Happy 2019 Everyone, I hope that 2019 will be much better than the past years.
I must be honest, mine started off on a very bad note, but I am managing it and I have come to realize a couple of things about myself. Anyway, I know that life will never stand still for anyone of us, I also know that time tick by, so honestly I am not good at making New Year Resolutions and sticking to them, so I am not even going to try and make any. One thing is for sure, I am going to or shall I say I am on a route to discover….
Finding inner peace and finding my own life balance again
Finding more effective ways to let go of feelings and emotions
and looking after myself better in terms of health and eating habits
Lol – yeah seems like i have just made a list of things i just said i am not going to do, but hey…
Anyone of you have made New Year Resolutions? Are you good at keeping to it and fulfilling them?
The last couple of days gave me a lot of time to reflect. To really look inside myself and to think about the things I have done in life, the things I want to do and the things I don’t want to do or don’t want in my life.
It is so strange to sit all by yourself and think about all these things, while there is people around you. Everyone busy with their own things, busy with their own life, busy with their own communication and their own things. Life stop for no one, you are either part of the gravy train or you stay behind…
I am however at a place where I believe that I have made decisions! I think that I have set new goals and that I have also decided what I will and wont allow in my life going forward. Yes it all seems so easy, but it’s not easy. I have lost people in my life because of the fact that I haven’t made a decision to just divorce and get it over with, I have lost people because I haven’t told anyone whether I will proceed with the divorce or not, I have lost people merely because they are no longer willing to put up with me and what ever I am going through, but I know now, more than ever, that I am able to stand alone. I am able to look after myself, and that I don’t need people to get by. I can do it on my own and if they don’t want to stand with me or be a friend or whatever then so be it.
The New Year is going to be tough, but I have decided to make changes for myself, changes that I will only do for me and if anyone doesn’t like it then oops!
I just need to look out for myself going forward, if I don’t No one else will…
So here is a closing thought:
What does Love mean?
And why is it so easy to use those words to say I love you?
But then you go and Break someone but still love them?
Grrr, how does one cope with all these feelings running through your brain. Feelings of love, feelings of remorse, of hate, of self loathing, of revenge, do I even need to call them out, I am sure I am not the only one feeling this crap, feeling all these emotions, feeling these things…
You know when you sit in your car and drive towards a destination, and all you can think of is just drive, go straight, don’t brake, just accelerate, just, just… then you know! You realize that you have gotten to a point where the help is just not good enough, where the trying is just not good enough, where the talking is just not good enough, Now where to from here… Straight, or brake?
I don’t like anything I do on Facebook right now, or shall I rather say, it is just working with my mind… making it run in all kinds of directions
Everyone seems to be doing these little quizzes and things on Facebook lately, where you click on a link and it tells you what 2019 have in store for you, or what you would get in 2019, or things like that..
If you know me personally you would know why I even blog about this, for those of you that don’t know me personally, well let me just say after numerous attempts at having a family we don’t have any children of our own, and if you have read previous posts you might have noticed that his hotel rendezvous with Lady 2 was exactly 10 days after we have seen a social worker for adoption. Well it was our second social worker, but the first one we saw a couple of years ago and we didn’t really like what they had to offer. This time round, this lady was so caring and so helpful I really had my heart set on a baby. I know I will be a good mother, I have no doubt that I would be a good mother at all, but now I have doubts whether I can be a mother in this relationship…
Anyway, I don’t want to be depressing, nor do I want to start the weekend thinking too much about this, but I thought I will share my FB notices… I must be honest and say that I use to let these things get me all excited just to feel emotional and let down again in the past, but at least I know better now
After so many years, and all that we have gone through we are being congratulated on our 20th year Wedding Anniversary…
Something that was posted:
Today we celebrate 20 years of marriage.
We had no idea that married life would be so challenging 20 years ago when we started our journey together. All we knew back then was that we were in love and just wanted to be together every day. We had some of the happiest and most challenging times of our lives the past 20 years, and mostly didn’t know what we were doing half of the time. Now we are here with happiness and love to show. Thank you for all the moments that we shared, both the good and the bad, if we didn’t have the bad parts we wouldn’t appreciate the good parts that much.
Happiness in marriage is not something that just happens. A good marriage must be created. In the art of marriage the little things are the big things. Wilfred Peterson
What an interesting question… How do we respond all depends on the space we’re in right. So how do you do it?
I am good thanks, and you?
I am Okay thank you, and you?
Not bad thanks and yourself?
Can’t complain thanks and you?
Well, it is the only way to respond to be friendly and polite when you are asked how you are right, why is it that one always try to be polite and to help and to be friendly but that is not how you feel, and to top it all of (I can only speak for myself right now) I immediately wonder what their intent are. Why would they want to know how I am, and if I respond with the real way I am feeling will they even be able to cope with it. What if I tell them that I am not fine, I am not doing well, what if I tell them life is not good, life is terrible, I don’t know how to cope from day to day will they run, will they snoop, will they be uncomfortable? Then I also think about how will me answering the question actually affect me? Will it change anything, will I feel better, will it change something for them…
Here are so many people who suddenly pop up, with whom I have not had a conversation in years and now they want to know how I am. I also received a message last week from someone I use to work with (Female) whom I have not had any contact with for 12 years and suddenly I get a message saying Hi, can we meet for coffee, I haven’t spoken to you in so long and would like to catch up. (Is this is a trick). I mean, what the hell.
Maybe I am just suspicious of everyone right now, maybe they have good intentions, but maybe not… who knows, and who knows right now what I should answer!