You say what? Another Confrontation?

Okay so still stuck in the month of September – basically 19 September

So things are still so weird, yes he said he doesn’t want the divorce and yes he get home earlier than before and yes he now travels with me once a week so we can talk a bit, but it is still not all good.

So the morning of the 19th he drove with me to work and the drive was not fun at all as we overslept a bit and had to rush to get to work, but when we eventually got there it turned out weird as he jumped out the car told me to take the wheel and go, so when I mentioned that hey this is weird he just turned around saying I am late, but then turned to the people waiting at the gate and could greet them and smile politely. Some days I just don’t know whether he thinks that is the norm in terms of treating me. For the rest of the day I didn’t hear a squeak from him. I sent messages to ask what time we will be travelling, but never even got any responses on that. So off I went to his office for us to travel out of town and arrived there at around 4:30………..

He was still sitting in his office busy, so I went and spoke to the ladies in the front (which you should know by now include lady 1) I spoke polity and talked to each of them in turn, never even missing a beat with her. I could see that she was uncomfortable but I just looked at her, asked how the kids and husband were and then carried on as I would normally even though inside of me a had a huge storm of emotions going, a whole lot of thoughts wanting to come out, and a whole lot of words ready on the tip of my tongue which I just to keep in.

 

After a while I realized that he was already getting ready to leave, and I rushed outside to get my stuff out my car which I wanted to take with on the ride, so on my way out, Lady 1 was busy with a customer on a portable phone and she walked behind me. I didn’t pay her any attention, as I figured that she was on a call with a customer that she might be on her way out somewhere, so I just kept walking. I retrieved my stuff out my car and as I was making my way back in, she was standing close by.

 

Lady 1: So, you said you wanted to talk before, When are we going to talk then

Me:        It doesn’t matter anymore; we don’t have to talk about anything

Lady 1:  We should talk

Me:        Like I said it doesn’t matter, we are getting a divorce, do you know that

Lady 1:  Yes, I never planned for that to happen; I didn’t want you two to divorce

Me:        Oh come on, what did you and Lady 2 expect would happen?

Lady 1:  (just stare at me)

Me:        Once the divorce is final, I’ll tell your husband and the husband for Lady 2 everything, so I hope you have told them. Do you even realize that all the money spent on jewellery, spend on perfumes, spent on flowers, spent on your hotel sessions and everything else, do you realise that the money also came from my accounts. Do you realize I paid as much for your hotel sessions as him…

 

…I turned and walked off… leaving her staring at my back

But when I got to his office, he obviously saw this (and believe me when I tell you, I was talking politely, not screaming not shouting at her, just talking), but he was fuming and like always I got the scream… Fuck I am so tired of this already, they run to him, I crap, they don’t like something, he calls me and I crap, they confront me and when I talk back, I crap… what more am I supposed to do, how much more am I supposed to take without losing my shit. So I closed the door behind me (even though it has glass panels so everyone can still see us) he let rip.

 

Him:       Not at my work, I told you not to do this at my work

Me:        I didn’t, she confronted me at the car

Him:       Bullshit, I saw your hands going as you were fighting with her

Me:        No, You don’t know me at all, I was merely talking to her (told him what I said)

Him:       That is why you aren’t welcome here anymore; I don’t want you here anymore

Me:        Fine, I will take it offsite with her and Lady 2 at some point

Him:       Just not at my work

Him:       I trusted you to come to my work and now this

 

So that is where it ended, we then went outside, got into his bakkie and drove off. The start of our approximate 6 hour round trip journey

And the screaming continues…

 

Him:       I trusted you, I trusted you to come to my work

Me:        It wasn’t me; I didn’t do anything I just wanted to get my stuff from the car

Him:       I trusted you!!!!

Me:        So blame me then, blame me for everything, blame me for everything you and them have done, everyone knows that you will always take their side, and that is why they will confront me while you aren’t watching and then be all smug because you will take it out on me.

Him:       You came to my work, you looked for this, why did you go outside (Screaming and shouting)

Me:        You know, if we don’t talk about these things it will never be resolved, you know, I don’t even know if I can trust you or anything you say at all

Me:        What you have just done to me, the screaming, the name calling, the shouting, do you know how that makes me feel. It is wrong on all levels, and they know you will come up for them and that I will bear the brunt. Why do you always come up for them? You never come up for me, you never support me, you always yell at me, and you know what, they know you will do that to me.

Me:        You bought them all these things, you know, being married to you for almost 20 years I never got anything like it, even though I was the one who supported you when you. I was the one who was there long late hours of the night, when we both had nothing, I was the one who worked hard and supported us when you weren’t earning much, then when you made the career change, I was the one supporting you, cheering you on, even driving you to the interview. I was the one who slept on the cold floors waiting for you to finish up, I always did everything for you, and you know what, I regret it all today… because it was so fucking easy for you to just cheat

Me:        Why did you have to go out and touch these woman and kiss, why did you start and affair in the first place, why couldn’t you have been committed

Him:       We were not happy (this is still something I need to figure out, because in my mind things were not bad in the marriage, but my version of happy and his is definitely different)

Him:       Look kissing the others, I was drunk

With the other 2 ladies, we were not happy, I was stupid, I never should have, and I fucked up

Me:        Why did you not stop the affairs?

Him:       I don’t know

Me:        Why don’t you just let the divorce go through, if we are unhappy, and you are so unhappy with me for so long that you have been in a relationship with others for 3 years, just go through with the divorce so we both can live our life.

Him:       I don’t feel ready for a divorce, I still love you

Me:        Are you just saying this, because I threatened to tell their husbands

Him:       No, we are all adults, all of us knew what we were getting into, and all of us will get our own karma, even for them. They knew the consequences of this

Me:        Did you ever feel guilty of doing this

Him:       In the beginning of the affair I did, after a while I didn’t anymore, it became the norm. When we worked together the day, we would go off together, and then go to our spouses

Him:       I am done talking about it, can we just travel and not talk about them please

And there I sat… knowing

I asked for a very cheap silver pendant one year (during his affair time which is much less than the flowers he bought) and I never got anything, he spent our communal money on them, but when I needed something there was never money for me, knowing that he just didn’t want to spent anything on me hurt… Knowing that he blamed me because he asked me to stop smoking and I said that I will do it on my own time (which I have done now), blaming me because when he arrived home at night I was listening to online audible books (but he sat at the television not wanting to talk to anyone), blaming me for not physically being there, and not being able to talk to me… (And this I still need to all work through for myself)

Look I know that he said that Lady 1 broke it of this year (in the beginning sometime) because she wants to focus on her family life and her husband, I now worked it out that the affair with lady 2 started almost 2 months after Lady 1 called it off (yes so quick) and in less than the 2 month talking they were both in the hotel… I can’t seem to think through how quickly things escalated from just talking to sleeping together, and when I have asked these questions he just says that it just happened, and that by itself just makes it all seem like the talked the 1st day and started sleeping together on the 2nd. Anyway… I just can’t think this whole scenario through, but I also know that I will never get the answers from him… I never wanted exact details, but I needed to understand how they both allowed themselves to grow so close and so quickly to end up sleeping together… but maybe this is something I will never understand, or maybe this could be something that I will unpack at a later stage of my life… Who knows?

 

I sit here and think of all the things he has said:

The fact that he just agreed to let Lady 1 go on with her life and that they could just be friends, the fact that he is disappointed in lady 2, because he thought she will have some backbone, the fact that he had all the time to run off to hotels and talk to them on which ever platform but can never do this for me, the fact that I will most probably feel unwanted and uncared for always and that he will never stand up for me, the fact that he told me to my face that Lady 1 have beautiful eyes but that she is not beautiful and lady 2 is a very beautiful lady…and all these thoughts just came and went and came and went, like waves in an ocean, and each though brought its own emotions and feelings

 

  • How much screaming can I take?
  • How much more can I take before I break?
  • Will it ever get better?
  • Will I ever feel better?
  • Will I ever be able to function the same again?
  • How do one more on from all this?
  • Is there more I just don’t know about yet?

 

Time will tell

 

continue on Divorce…

We spent a lot of time there in silence and then talking and silence again, and talking, until I just couldn’t sat there anymore. Here is the thing, from past experience he would say he doesn’t want it, just to tell me an hour later he wants it, then I was too quick to arrange everything and then he didn’t care, so what on earth was I to believe here:

But then my questions started – and honestly, this is where I think I will just lose my shit because what none of them know is that I have much more proof than what anyone of them will ever suspect, if I wanted to I could cause a lot of damage in their marriages as well, and I do feel like it some days, but I haven’t yet (and I am saying yet, because I am still dealing with my own things and have not made up my mind as to what I want to do with everything)

Now here is about all the questions I asked and answers where there were answers, and also like always my little comments and understanding in the brackets… and do note that the questions are not in any particular order, I just had them jotted down so I could ask them

 

  • Tell me, what type of gifts did you buy them?
    • I bought perfume (this is known, very expensive perfume)
    • I bought flowers (about every week this was don I have never received flowers in about 20 years, and no I’m not bitter)
    • I bought the kids something when they needed it. For one of the ladies cupcakes for her kids and suitcases for the kids for the other.
  • What was the most expensive gift you bought for anyone of them?
    • I never bought anything more expensive than about 2000 (I believe this to be another lie, I have a little proof stating differently, but I have not confirmed this with him, I wanted him to tell me the truth and he keeps saying the same amount)
  • Where did you buy the jewellery?
    • The jewellery store and he gave me the names
  • Can I see your bank statements? And if not why?
    • No (just no, really just no?)
    • I don’t want you to see the past. I need us to forget about the past and start new (yeah, maybe because you know that there is much more going on there than what you want me to confirm)
  • Can I see your other statements like jewellery account?
    • There is nothing to see on there, but I will send it to you (He showed this to me on his phone, and there is nothing there)
  • Why did you stop telling me personal things, why didn’t you want to share things with me anymore
    • You have been talking to one of your friends, this friend have a past in our life and I figured that if it is okay for you to talk to her and do your own thing, then surely I can do my own thing too. (Now let me give you a quick update on this friend, this friend got to meet him through me, we worked together, she is a lesbian lady, one time over Christmas we went out the day and went drinking, on our way back, I fell asleep in the car, and woke up to him screaming that she is getting sick in the car. When we arrived home, she started to confront him about something, and after a huge fight and a trip to the emergency services as he hit his hand on the table and we thought it broke, he then confirmed that because I was asleep, she felt him up a bit and then he returned the favour and put his hand down her pants… I will leave the rest up for the imagination)
  • Are you and Lady 1 is still talking except for work
    • We have never really talked; we never really used any kind of messaging system to talk to one another. The only time we did talk was at work. There was never messages sent between us, so yes we talk now, but it is on a work bases
    • There is no longer anything between us, so there is nothing awkward between us so we do talk and there is nothing wrong with it (Yes buddy I find there is something wrong with it, not because you talk, but apparently talking got you both to where you were sleeping together right?)
  • How long ago has the relationship ended with Lady 1
    • About 5 months ago and we have been together for about 3
  • Are you and Lady 2 is still talking except for work
    • No – she blocked me on all messaging applications as well as calls. I have asked her that we talk this out, but she is not willing to talk to me
  • How long has the relationship been going on for
    • About 3 months
  • Why did you decide to cheat
    • It just happened
    • We just clicked
    • I don’t know why, it just happened and I was never going to give up my marriage
  • Where did you find the time to sleep with them
    • I can get off work anytime I want, we normally planned it during their half days, off days or with Lady 1 after work on a Saturday (this is news to me, you never take off from work, you never even take off when I needed you after anything, not even after operations, so they are lucky)
  • Where did their husbands think they are
    • Lady 1 – well her husband knew she was working, we quickly did it and then off she went home to her husband and kids, there were also times that he arrived, and then we just left it because she had to leave with him
    • Lady 2 – well it was planned for a specific day, her husband didn’t know where she was really, and the one kid was sick so she didn’t go to work
    • We also don’t really speak during the day because we are both busy, so I knew that you wouldn’t be phoning me
  • Except for the sleeping together what else did you do
    • Look we went out to eat something quickly at fast food restaurants like McDonalds or Burger king. We never met up to do something else
  • If I was to forgive you, will you allow it to happen again
    • I can promise you that I will do my best, I cannot tell you whether it will happen again, but I can promise I will do my best not to let it happen again and if it does this time I would rather tell you
  • Will you be prepared to see a marriage counsellor with me
    • I don’t believe this shit works
  • If we agree to try and make this work, will you try the (Fireproof book) love dare with me
    • What the hell is it, no why do you want to do something like that
  • How many ladies were there
    • There were many ladies I kissed and touched during the time we were married
    • There were only Lady 1 and Lady 2 that I have slept with
  • How many people knew about your affairs
    • Only 2 people. 2 Friends, the one saw the interaction between me and lady 1 and asked me if there was something, initially I denied it, but he did put 1 and 1 together after which I confirmed
    • Only 1 friend knew about Lady 2, the friend found out based on the fact that that we wanted to track down the person sending the emails, so based on some of the emails send to the friend, he obviously read the content and that’s how he knows
  • How am I supposed to move on from this
    • You just needs to let it go in order for us to move on
    • I told both ladies that it is their own shit if the truth comes out like it did with me. I told them to rather tell their own husbands. Lady 1 kept on saying that she will deny it till she can no longer deny it, and Lady 2 doesn’t want any further contact
    • I called Lady 2 to ask her that we need to talk things about between us as everything was up in the air, but she refuses
    • I don’t care what happens anymore, I have decided that I want my marriage to work, I have switched off from them and don’t care what happens
    • I would like for them to go through the same hell as me, I would like for their families and husbands to find out the same as with me, because now that this is out for me, they aren’t even willing to stand by me, they weren’t even strong enough to confess to having the affair even with you having all the details. I hope that karma finds them too
  • Did you receive the gift I sent you at work
    • Yes thank you
  • Why didn’t you say anything before I asked
    • Because I thought it was the person sending the emails that sent it, because of the card
  • Why do you feel that everyone will still be judge, receive their own Karma
    • Everyone will, I got mine and I had to be open and honest, they want to hide everything and not confess, why should they not, they should both confess and deal with the consequences of their actions
  • Why was s@x with them so awesome
    • I don’t know, maybe because it was something new, maybe because it was someone new
  • Did you always use protection
    • I didn’t want to use protection, but they were to scared that they might become pregnant and then because of the procedures their husbands had there would be no way to explain the pregnancy
  • You were lucky, did it never break, and how did you always have protection
    • It never broke
    • I always bought especially at the times I booked the hotels, it was easy to get as you buy it from various places
    • I also left them in my cupboard at work
  • Look you said that there is no guarantee it wouldn’t happen again, and honestly you haven’t tried all the races yet, so honestly would you want to get that in as well
    • No I am done
  • How can you say that you’re done, why so easy
    • Because I can see the hurt that I have caused
    • I see your hurt, and I feel the hurt
    • I feel the pain, I am humiliated and feel let down by them as well
  • Why didn’t you ever do something like you did for them for me
    • I didn’t feel like spending money on you anymore

And after all this, we basically, got home, unpacked the things we bought at the grocery store, cooked and had something to eat, cleaned up a bit and sat watching television until we went to sleep.

He called me the 19th of September and told me that he will have to go out on a 3 hours’ drive out of town to deliver something and he wanted me to travel with, so I made the necessary plans to go to his office a bit earlier for me to go with him and then….

Divorce?

So while all of this is going down (everything I have blogged about before), in between all of this (the chaos I call life) the settlement agreement was drawn up by my Attorney, after the initial meeting we had (I must be honest that it took a while to get that done, I don’t really understand why it took so long, but I know that if she did it more at a pace he was asking for it would all have been done and dusted and we would have been divorced very quick). They kept sending the document for review and we provided input and confirmed changed and so on, and the final document for review were then sent for signature (that day was a heart-breaking day for me, to review the final settlement knowing that everything both of you have worked for in your marriage has now been divided / shared and it’s over, I received the document my heart stopped, stuttered and stopped again.) It felt like everything I knew was gone, just the fact that everything was documented in so much detail was just so much of a confirmation that it is all done, it also felt so unreal. It sounds easy to divide everything, but the day I sat in the attorneys’ offices I felt like crying and when I got this document I still felt like crying. Yes I know it is earthly belongings but it was also something we both worked for, and in my case some of it I was prepared to give up to make this divorce just go much quicker and smoother.

Look I know that I have contacted the attorney, but hell what was I supposed to do (he also asked that I do, and he also pushes me in a corner at times when she took too long to do specific things), but was I supposed to just live a life of lies and deceit… I couldn’t. Up until now he keeps saying to me that I overreacted and I wanted to change things too quickly for him it was so easy to save his marriage but he seems to forget that it was not just emails and someone telling me about his affair, it was his affair, the lies to try and hide it, the hurt he caused, everything. Yes and I got myself off his medical aid onto my own; yes I did get both of us to see the attorney and yes the document were now ready for signature but that is what he asked for as well. I didn’t do this just because I woke up feeling like it. He might not have wanted to actually go through with it (but he asked for the divorce, and he didn’t think that the details around the affair would be confirmed and that he would have to confess), but he was the one that asked me on 27 July that we file for a divorce. I merely executed what I was asked for. So 7 September mark the day – they day feedback from his side and signature was due on the settlement agreement to the Attorney.

On that day (7 September 2018) I sent him one message: “Good morning, if I may ask one last thing of you please. Could you please let me know if there is anything you will be changing on the settlement agreement and just let me know before you send her the final response so I am not taken off guard, I will appreciate it”  regards

You see – the feedback was due a week before this, but he responded to the attorney that he was busy at work and it was month end and that he would give his final feedback on the 7th. So this is how the day became the deadline date. (To me he said he needs this time to sort things out in his own head, he needs to make a decision)

He never responded to my message. I also didn’t know whether he read it, but I knew that I would find out sooner or later what was in store.

The day was busy at work and before I realised the time it was already time to go home. So off I went, worried that I have missed the feedback leading into a weekend, feeling unsure and ill-at-ease, but you know you need to pick your head up focus and move forward right…. Right! And then my phone rang, and I could see the name on the car monitor, it was him. So my world stopped. I needed to know, but I also didn’t want to have this conversation while I am stuck in traffic, trying to fight my way home, but I took the call.

Him:       Where are you?

Me:        Driving home from work, why?

Him:       Are you close to my office?

Me:        Not really, but I can come there if you want me to?

Him:       Please can you, I will appreciate it I need to speak to you?

Me:        Sure, I am on my way

I got there at around 18:30, so Lady 1 and Lady 2 was already gone. Not that at this stage I really cared whether they were there or not. It was just another day, it was just another waiting game, I was waiting for more lies and deceit, I was waiting for more pain and hurt, I was just surviving from the one day to the other, I was just riding the emotional wave, going under and trying to kick my way back up. So it wouldn’t have changed anything if they were there except for me having to see them, but they weren’t. Would it have mattered to them anyway, does anyone feel any guilt? On my arrival, I parked the car, got out and walked in. I sat at his desk and just blankly stared towards the wall (not a great place to be at, especially knowing that most of the affair things happened here). He wasn’t in his office. So I waited, and he came in, I just kept staring. So he sat down and as per his usual way of doing things he started to work on his computer. So I just sat there, staring, saying nothing, feeling empty, but also feeling like I am wasting my time. I didn’t think that there is any more to say

Him: (and this is not his exact words) – look I have asked the attorney to give me the week in order for me to take the week, review the document and sign, but during this week so much has happened and I have really taken the time to think through what I want and need in my life. I have screwed up, I know I have, but I want to ask you to forgive me. I have not intended to cause you so much heartache and I have seen what this has done to you, please I do not want the divorce.

And then everything came tumbling out…

 

What do you think, you’ve read it to now, you have your opinion, share with me

Is this acting?

Back again… explaining more about the month of September…

Nothing serious happened during the beginning of the month, most of the crap was on the table, most of the scream and shout was out, most of the hurt and pain was out, well it was out in the open. It wasn’t easy, nor was it easy to be in the same house daily, at least he made it bearable as he spent most of his time away from the house in pubs or at work or wherever he was (not sure how he spent his time)

The one thing I come to realize (which was never a problem but now knowing what I know it became a problem) was that every time I go to his work, or any work function I will have a very good chance of walking into them (well Lady 1 mostly, Lady 2 only at work functions). Lady 1 I saw daily whenever I entered the building (Unless she was off sick or something) anyway moving on, so like you know Spring is here and he then decided in the beginning of the month that he would like to go fishing (it use to be one of our favorite things to do together until it became something he never wanted to do anymore), well the both of us should go fishing. Don’t get me wrong, I like the hobby and I love being at the dam and being in nature, but at this stage it was really awkward, the emotions are running high and we hardly have any words left for one another, but I went, nothing a little bit of sun, water and nature can’t fix right?

So off we went fishing, the day before I had to buy all the things that had to go with, while he was working with Lady 1 – it was her weekend on duty, and even though he did tell me this trying to share this bit of information it didn’t mean anything (It will always be in the back of my mind, I will always question and search). So I run around, I got what I had to get and went home, amazingly he was early (and again I say this and it is very sarcastic I know, but please do understand where I am coming from, and yes I never gave him the benefit of the doubt for this and he did come home earlier), well for the last couple of years he has left the house very early and came home late and when I asked about it, the answer was always that he has been busy, work is hectic, he has a lot to do, please don’t start again asking all this shit… well I asked but guess what, I never got the true answer (at least now I know so much more than then, and am in a position to assume / come up with my own answers).. Okay back to the fishing, so the Sunday morning off we went fishing. The weather was kind of okay, it started off being cold and only cleared up during the day, but all in all it was a very pleasant day. We didn’t talk a lot, and most of the time both of us just sat there staring at the water, or rigging the fishing gear, drinking and then eventually we made food and ate. While we were there, we went to have a drink at the bar at the dam which was not really big or very entertaining, but there were a couple of people there as well. When we walked in, we selected a table and chairs away from the actual bar area as there were already a couple of men seated at the bar. We got our drinks and sat down talking about bits and bobs, but nothing that really mattered. While we sat there, some of the males noted that I was not wearing my wedding ring and talked amongst themselves, they wanted the youngest one in the group to introduce himself to me, but he didn’t just want to walk up with my husband sitting there (not that he knew it was my husband), anyway, so they announced very loudly the names of each male seated and said to my husband that if he needed somthing one of them will be able to help as they are from that area, and when it got to this guy they made really sure I knew who he was and how I would be able to reach him (telling me the company name he owns). I just laughed it off, but I could see that my husband didn’t see the joke in it. So I immediately finished up my dink, paid and asked that we go back to the fishing spot. While we walked down he said that he is pissed about the comments and want to go pick a fight and sort them out. So  I just said they didn’t know I was married because I wasn’t wearing my wedding ring anymore, we walked back, packed up and went home…

Another Weird Discovery…

So the Monday started with a bang and during the working day he asked me for the pin code for the little safe we have (a very small little thing that we put some stuff in, nothing major) I gave it to him but honestly it is also something he should have remembered and I left it at that (you would think that something someone use for 20 years he would remember right?). That afternoon when I arrived home, it was really strange as he was there before me (He is never so early that he is home before me), but I didn’t make anything of it (except for saying wow you’re really early). I greeted him, unpacked my car after being at the shop for milk and bread and stuff and started with the daily routine stuff to get it out the way. Feed the animals and provide water, then go wash up and start with dinner. While I was doing all of this, I could see he has been searching for something in the house, so I asked him if he is looking for something. He then said that he believes the house is bugged. Honestly, here I just lost it, I started laughing a bit, and when I asked him why he said that all the emails and notes he has been receiving obviously was discussed in private, he knows it is not his office, so the only other possible place is the home (he searched but didn’t find anything) after the preparation and cooking we ate, cleared up and as per normal went to our separate rooms for the night… BUT

About 2 days later, I had this nagging feeling that something was wrong and I just couldn’t put my finger on it, I was still looking for my power bank and I was looking for some of my jewelry that kind of went missing / misplaced, anyway I know just the weekend before he asked me for the pin, I looked in the safe and I couldn’t find anything in there, but decided that it was worth the try again (and I must be honest at this point I really became paranoid. Could the house be bugged?) So off I go after I got dressed for work the morning, and punched in the code *error*, okay maybe I had it wrong, punch in the code again *error*, okay wait I am sure it is the right code I even have it written down, so again I try *error* Locked out for 5 min, Oh come on man, what the hell, okay walk up and down, getting irritated, waiting my 5 minutes. So again key in the code *error* okay wait, maybe I changed it to something else (Not that I remember but hey lately things have been hectic so maybe I forgot I changed it. So I tried a different combination, *error* and another, *error* and so it continued till I locked myself out for about 30 minute wait. So I called him:

Him:       Yes (I have no idea why he think it’s okay to answer a phone like this)

Me:        Hi there, tell me did you manage to get in the safe the other day (which I figured he did)

Him:       why (I don’t understand why he always answers a question with a question)

Me:        I am having a struggle and want to get in but for some reason it doesn’t acknowledge the pin

Him:       I don’t know

Me:        I can’t seem to find the key for it either (which I know where I have put it and it’s not there)

Him:       I don’t know

Me:        Did you change the code? (that would not make sense right?)

Him:       Why would I do that? (and here I actually believed him)

Me:        I don’t know, but honestly, did you change the code

Him:       No

Me:        Okay I can’t get into the safe, and I have logged myself out, now I have to sit and wait

Him:       Leave it and go to work

Me:        No – I have to get in there; I want to get to my stuff

Him:       Why are you so eager to get in there?

Me:        My stuff is in there, you don’t have anything in there but mine is

Him:       Just go to work, and sort that out later, I didn’t change it

Me:        Okay, well I am off to a locksmith; I am forcing this fucking thing open today.

Him:       Why (Why are you questioning it?)

Me:        Because you have nothing in there, I do, and I want to get inside

Him:       the code is ******

Me:        Why did you lie, I asked you if you changed it?

Him:       No you didn’t

Me:        I did, and you said you didn’t

Him:       Okay but I gave you the code, stop complaining now, and talk to you later I am busy

So I took down the code, went to work as I was already horribly late and when I got back home that night I went straight to the safe and keyed in the code, open the safe, and guess what I found… The power bank! The only place I know I would never have put it in, that is exactly where I found it. I also know I checked in there and it wasn’t there, so how did it get there?

So again the whole I don’t know where the power bank is story – I’m sorry I don’t buy it, but why on earth would he do this, why would he change the pin code, why would he lie, why would he take the power bank and when I ask about it why again would he lie and say he didn’t see it, why would he put it in the safe, why would he just do all these things… It didn’t make sense then and it still doesn’t. What is he expecting to happen, is there something behind this?

Is this by any chance normal?

Dead – End

So  here I am looking at all the blogs available to read, and believe me I have read a number of them already, following a number of them and still searching. I don’t really know what I want and what I need and what I want and need to read but I keep going. It is as if I am looking for answers or clarification on here.

The more I read, the more I have questions and my questions seems to go unanswered and I miss being able to just reach inside and know my own answers, but that it where I am emotionally and it is okay. I have also found that I use to blog on another sites (different blogs of cause), and on this one I don’t seem to get any written comments / feedback but only a couple of emails and then the likes on the posts, but when you are stuck and in need of feedback, information or you just need someone to say something to let you hang in there it is kind of lacking.

Maybe it’s just me, or maybe it’s just an expectation that I had, but it feels like a dead end right now. I just feel like I have been let down in so many aspects in my life, that I am not able to pick myself up…

And then it was…

Yeah and then it was September…

So as you would know, from my last blog post, I was officially blocked so I weren’t able to talk to him nor was I able to even see whether he was online to validate that he was still alive and kicking nor was I able to even communicate with him in the event where I had an emergency, and it felt like I have screwed this up, because if I didn’t become this online status stalker I wouldn’t have been blocked, if I didn’t become obsessed with wanting to know when he is online and offline then it all would have been fine, right?… Yeah right – that is what I told myself to rationalize everything and to let myself believe I was at fault here, that is what I was made to believe, it was sad but it was true… I have no idea why I even cared about his well-being at this stage why would I even care what happens, I was hurt, but I still cared, but I suppose that is just who I am, I will always care for others no matter how much they have hurt me in life. I will always try and be understanding even-though I am going through my own emotional turmoil… So yes I became an online stalker to see whether or not he was online as that was the only way to know if he was fine as he never talked to me, and that got me blocked, and then I told him in a fit of anger that I know he is online most of the day with her, and that got me blocked, so again, my own fault right?

So September didn’t really arrive with a big bang, and with September it is Spring in our country which means the temperatures are a little more warmer, we get some rainy days,  the trees blossom and everything just feels different and alive… But for me… Well it felt much more different, or is it just me (the person) who is different now? Did everything just change?

So how do I feel: At this stage I felt like some of the raging flames inside me has been put out to a low simmer – and I just couldn’t explain the feeling to anyone

I FELT LIKE:

  • A total zombie, with no emotions and no real validated feelings
  • I have lost total control of who I am and what is to become of me,
  • I had nothing left to give and what I have given before was never good enough
  • Everything I have believed a marriage should be has been a lie
  • Everything that was said to me over the years was lies
  • I had no more love and never received any love
  • I have offered a lifetime and all I got was a moment
  • I had a mind full of thoughts but I was unable to grab onto anything to think
  • I couldn’t focus or think of anything positive
  • I couldn’t move forward without any answers, answers which I knew it would be a struggle to get
  • I never understood what love was all about, how someone is suppose to love and what love really is
  • I wasted so many years of my life for someone who found it more interesting to sleep with others, then lies and deceive and betray and do what ever
  • I didn’t want to go on!
  • I felt like just giving up and die
  • All my feelings were gone!!! Was it gone? How can they just be gone, or was it just the silence before the storm

 

Can you relate to these feelings and emotions? What did you experience? How did you deal with the emotional and feelings during your healing stages after your discovery…

I have read so many articles and It is believed that we as a betrayed spouse go though mostly 4 stages to heal in this process, but I think we all go through these stages and we may go from one to the other or even go back a stage because of additional discovery of grief and so we move back and forth. Life is unfortunately not that clean cut that we go from 1-4 and never relapse.. Anyway, I will list the stages here in this post, because You will see my journey going forward and how it relates, but mostly I post it so I can also come back to this one day and see how life progressed.

  1. Discovery – or the Trauma stage
    • So it is believed that we as the Betrayed go through the feelings of shock and betrayal and we make a quick decision here to either fight or run for the hills, I suppose it is the whole fight or flight scenario
    • At least I know that this was the stage I was in right here in the beginning of September, and yes it makes sense because I just found out and had everything confirmed, but during this month you will also see the grief and anger stage come out and then because of more lies I find myself back in more discovery and trauma. It was such a mess and still is
    • After reading so much about the process of healing and what we endure during the process it makes more sense and I no longer feel abnormal – as they say that during this time because of the discovery we feel numb and that’s because of the shock of our discovery and then the sense of loss.
    • During this time I wanted to start and understand the underlying cause for the affairs, I wanted to know why he has done it to me, I wanted to know who he has done it with, I wanted to understand the time frames, I just wanted to know all the details, but let me tell you that it is really difficult to do, especially if you have a partner like mine. Even-though I knew that it would be hard to hear all the details and that it will expose so many flaws in our relationship and life that I might never have wanted to see, I knew that I needed to understand where and why it all started and ended, but unfortunately for me he was not that open to share information and kicked up a huge fight every-time I wanted to discuss anything relating to his affairs. (He did eventually share more, after the initial fights about the details, and it does look like it is becoming better but at this stage he wasn’t sharing as much)
    •  I have read that normally we (as betrayed) go through the feelings of shock and betrayal, and for them it is more feelings of guilt and remorse, but I really didn’t find that he showed any guilt or any remorse (and you will still see why). I just felt like he just wanted life to go on, he just wanted to live as if nothing changed as if nothing happened, but that is something I can’t do.
  2. Grief and Anger Stage- (So in the beginning of September I found that I was stuck in discovery and felt very sorry for myself because every time I managed to process the information for me to work through it, something else came out, or I discovered more and I am sure that now even while in October I will discover more. I felt like while I was still discovering more daily he he skipped everything that was suppose to go with his emotions as part of discovery and immediately went onto this stage where he become impatient, defensive and he was rationalizing everything, and kept on telling me to just get over myself. It was as if he just didn’t feel any remorse, that he doesn’t feel that anything is wrong, that he wasn’t in the wrong, and maybe that is true in his eyes, I didn’t see it the same
    • During this time we are suppose to work through our anger, the hurt of the betrayal, and we will then realize that the trust have been broken and we question whether the affairs are done or whether it will just start up again. We also tend to want to fix everything, control everything and then understand everything and sometimes our own pace and the pace of the next are different, which leaves us in a state or turmoil, and obviously I will still get to these stages in my journey and I think right now towards the end of September and now October I am here… Quick, yes I think so, but the anger is flaming, and the numbness is fading because I have come to realize that it happened and no matter what I do it can not change the past, that what happened is something that I am not able to change, that I need to
  3. Acceptance or Never Ending – So here you literally stand at a crossroad,
    • We all need to make the decision, will we accept that it happened in our life, and are we able to move forward from this, or will we be in limbo for the rest of our life
    • Will we turn toward accepting and forgiving our partner and be able to move forward with them,
    • Will we turn toward accepting and forgiving our partner and be able to move forward without them (Divorce) or
    • Will we turn towards the It will never end where we find ourselves in so much hurt / pain because we are unable to move forward, nor are we able to let go and we blame and shame and never be able to move past the affair.
      • So my understanding is that during this time we find it in ourselves to forgive, that some of us will also be willing to honor our commitments, and that like I said above, here we will be able to turn towards the road we wish to embark on
  4. Re-connection – Facing the issues and seek understanding and support
    • Now honestly, I can’t see myself in this stage, and I think it is all just to new, according so many articles and books it is believed that it takes approximately 2 / 3 years to reach this final stage, so maybe in 3 years time I will be able to give more feedback on this stage
      • They say that when we are able to reach this final stage and we have decided to take the accept and forgive road and we are able to more forward with our partner – that we will feel strength again, confidence in our relationship, we will feel loved again and we will feel like we will be able to do things together again (if any of you have reached this stage already – please leave a comment, tell me what your decision has been and how your life progressed)

I think I am going to publish this post as it is for now. I will rather post another with the run down of September because it was a very long emotional month for me, for some of the post I will be able to give a run down on some boring days and then there will even be a couple of days that I will have to publish on its own as I think that some of these days have more significance that others and those days I would like to keep separate, that will also allow for some feedback on them… so for now this is it

Over and out on this post!

Keep the likes coming – but I will also like some comments / feedback / sharing

The Plot, the reveal, the more!

I have had a couple of ideas with regards to how I should reveal the rest of this plot, and I thought and I wrote and I deleted, but there is no better way as to do it this way… well not for me…

Before you continue – Pardon the language within some sections

Just remember that some of these discussions were simultaneous… and I tried to add as much as possible, but also had to remove some of the details and changed some of the words, and I’m sure some of it got a bit lost in translation, but I know you understand why… o and there might be a bit of my own comments and thoughts in brackets.

Continuing from so I lost the plot, Yeah I did, want to take a guess what I did?

I messaged her… Yes I did… I Messaged Lady 2 and here is how it went down…

 

  • 13:06 – Me: I just want to tell you I know. I know you fucked my husband! It is out
  • 13:08 – Lady: 2: I can’t believe that you would think that, I would never do something like that to you
  • 13:09 – Me: I look like an idiot but believe me I am not, he also confirmed it, he confessed it to me, are you saying he is lying?
  • 13:12 – Lady 2: He is talking shit (well that is a nicer word than what was used but lost in translation)
  • 13:14 – Me: Whatever, I even has the hotel booking sheet, and confirmed the date ( I couldn’t believe it was so easy to get these kind of things if you apply your mind to it) He confirmed that it happened on his birthday, and I even have photos of your boobs (the books is not necessarily taken that day but I just had to throw it in there). I also found the photo of your underwear which he sent to you (now the underwear is the same I found in his pocket, but then he took a pouting photo with the underwear which he sent to her – did I say not a clear cookie). I also have messages where you told him you loved him; I have it all so stop lying (and Yes everything about this whole thing says she will still lie). I must be honest, I don’t know the details for your husband but don’t you think he should know (Yes the bitter, sad, broken me is talking here right now)
  • 13:15 – Lady 2: Let him tell you with whom he has been in a relationship with for 2 year (and later on it becomes 3. Anyway she was confused how long, but its 3)
  • 13:15 – Me: You (and here I know it is not just her, but hey just for the hell of it)
  • 13:15 – Lady 2: Not at all (Oh no he just buy you  stuff and sleep with you in hotels)
  • 13:15 – Me: well if he is lying about it, it will cost you your marriage (Just letting you know, laughing at myself)
  • 13:19 – Lady 2: I know the both of you for so long, why would it happen now? (Yes that is true, so why the fuck don’t you tell me why now, because he sure as hell aren’t)
  • 13:21 – Me: Look he says it is you, he says he slept with you, so why lie

Then she tells me that everyone needs to meet because my husband would need to say this in front of her and her husband… interesting right… I wonder what she wanted from this anyway. Maybe she wanted my husband to panel beat hers, who knows, maybe she wanted him locked up, lol who knows… She also then tells me that she is no home wrecker, Oh Lady 2 whatever… I mean really, you’re not a home wrecker, so what about your own family, and what about your own 2 kids or do they not exist in your little dream world… I told her that I know they have been messaging one another every night about the whole night, I kept on telling her that he says they slept together on his birthday and that the hotel booking even confirmed this, but she kept denying it. Shame someone would do this, and then not have the backbone to confess when all the details are even confirmed. Did she realise how stupid she looked and does she realise that in my eyes she still looks stupid. I mean really, I have everything confirmed and proof of but you still deny… how stupid. I even told her to stop and think, think what you’re saying especially after I have told you what I know and have, but she kept going…

But then

  • 13:24 – Lady 2: Do you know that Lady 1 has been sleeping with your husband for 3 year (On boy, and you just had to throw her under the bus didn’t you, I like it) Are you aware that everyone here at the company knows about it and they have been caught before in the offices, do you know they have been called in before however not one of them wanted to acknowledge the relationship and both denied it (do they?)
  • 13:25 – Me: I don’t understand, why would he say it is you then? (Oh yes I was slow here – It took me a while to realize that she has thrown another lady under the bus to save her own skin)

Then she go on telling me that she needs to find time to discuss this with him, she doesn’t know why he would say it is her, I told her that the photos proofs otherwise, the photos shows her, photos of her breasts, and others… (I’m leaving those to the imagination) So again I said to her that I can’t believe that you would say it is her and impact her marriage like that if it wasn’t true, and again she told me that she doesn’t understand why he would do this to her and her marriage, but 2 seconds after the next message she came back telling me she talked to him, and that he is saying that he never confessed… Oh boy, Oh boy… and you will see a bit later the conversation between us

She goes ahead answering me on stuff I asked, so about her underwear, she comes out and tell me that it couldn’t be hers, because she doesn’t wear garments made for ladies, she wear men briefs, and I then sent her a whole bunch of the photo proof I had, to think that even with all that I sent her where you can clearly identify things she still denies everything (am I slow here) and of cause, she blames him then, she says that he is a real dick for saying that they slept together and she asked me if it would be okay for her to call me… (What, did I read that right??? What are you thinking? You want to call me, are you even more stupid) I just kept sending more and more proof until I ended it with Need I say more

Anyway… this conversation continued the next day, and I will come back to it, but here is the conversation between me and hubby

For some reason, during the conversation with Lady 2 (and I am saying for some reason because I didn’t diaries why…) he called

  • 14:21 – Me: Why are you calling me, I have tried to talk about this shit and you never wanted to
  • 14:23 – Me: Do you know Lady 2 told me about your affair, shame on you, both married. How do you think both their husbands will feel, did you even think of the kids
  • 14:45 – Him: When you feel like talking call
  • 15:04 – Me: Lady 1 and Lady 2 really, fuck man really? WHY???
  • 15:15 – Me: You go for every female at work, 3 years ago to the beginning of this year Lady 1. And now lady 2, I am done, I am over it, you lie, and lie, lie, and how many married ladies do you want to fuck? Don’t you have any respect for any marriage and then above it all you make me the liar, you told me that you are in a relationship with Lady 2 and then you turn around and tell her that I am lying, decide how you want to lie and to who you want to lie, you’re sick

And then the whole emotional game starts, He tells me that I have been sending messages to everyone (and here he is only referring to lady 2, but she becomes everyone) and that their HR and their big boss called him in, that I will be costing his job, that I now managed to get that right, I sent him a message back saying that I am not sending anything to anyone except to the one who wouldn’t go rat on them because she is as guilty and this is the response

  • 15:39 – Him: Get out of my life, Fuck out of my life; I am done with you, just get out
  • 15:39 – Me: So you fuck around and then blame me, right then
  • 15:40 – Him: Everyone knows now
  • 15:39 – Me: Who told them?
  • 15:39 – Him: Just leave me alone
  • 15:41 – Him: Sell everything; let me go, just do what you want I am tired

 

This is how Lady 2 Named and Shamed Lady 1 …

The next day

So the messages between me and my husband were far and few

Basically it started with him calling me and screaming and shouting because one of his ladies received something that he wasn’t happy about, some email that was sent, but this email was sent from an created account which was so easy to deceiver because all the details contained in the message, Lady 2 sent this to the husband of Lady 1, telling her husband he needs to think back…

So after the screaming on the call I sent him this:

Today I want to tell you only 1 thing, People who doesn’t know what a marriage should be and that now suddenly stress about their marriage, you make me sick. You blame everyone but will never take your own blame. I am tired, and through all the emails and turmoil I stood behind you and I just kept on asking that you tell me the truth so I rather hear it from you than from a stranger, but as always I was the last to know, I pulled the shortest straw, I will always be the one person who will be treated like a doormat, I am sorry, I am done playing these games, it was nice for all of you but now this is your fucking problem. Don’t call me about anything that has to do with you and their situation. I am no longer prepared to help.

It was such an emotional morning for me, and during the initial phone call I even threatened to commit suicide, I have seriously just reached my limits. I just couldn’t anymore, and the more I thought that I would be able to move on from the one thing to a better place, the more information just came out that pulled me down under. Through this all he was more concerned about who was behind the emails than to actually safe which could be. He just wanted to find out who was sending all the proof, who was sending emails and he wanted this person to take responsibility and get the person exposed, nowhere did he actually care about what this person was actually revealing, until it was too late. I told him on 29 August to be exact – that through this all he could even be honest and open with me, and even though he saw that the truth was leaking out bit by bit, he still didn’t open up, that it would have been a bit more easier to hear the truth from him and not through some stranger. I told him that I don’t understand why it even matters anymore who is sitting behind the emails because now it is all out; all that is still needed is for the entire story to be told so that everyone can get it over and done with. That their husbands will feel eventually what I have felt and that they will suffer the consequences of the actions of their own wifes as I have for my husband. That morning he told me that he wanted to work on our marriage and shortly after that he didn’t want to work on our marriage, and I still said to him that I just don’t understand him anymore.

That night I told him that I feel sorry for him, that based on the conversations I had with Lady 2 it is very clear that she will not admit anything, but that I feel that what she is doing to say such bad things about him, and the way she says it that I feel sorry for him,  I know that he may thought that she was a stronger person, and maybe she told him that she will stand behind him, but the total opposite happened, and I could see that when I told him this it did hurt him, he asked me that if I had to speak to her again, if I would ask her something: I said I will see, he said: Please tell her that even through all this and you that have badmouthed her, I always defended her, ask her why she is the one that say all of these bad things about me, why is she badmouthing me?

And the messages between me and Lady 2 continued…

I started off just asking if we can continue the conversation from the previous day to which she responded that it would be no problem to  talk (I’m guessing she did this as she still believe that she got away) Anyway… So I asked her that we needed to go back to the conversation of the previous day. I asked questions about when he saw Lady one – she didn’t know (but I know, they saw one another only one weekends when both were working) she told me that my husband declared his love for Lady 1 and that there are others that can confirm, because my husband apparently declared it to them, she told me about situations that happened and that they were called in and that the record were set straight, she told me that Lady 1 became more bossy and confident during this time and and and, so I replied, so it is all hearsay right? (Yes I believed it by now – I just wanted to test the water)

  • 08:39 – Lady 2: I take it he didn’t confirm that he had a relationship with Lady 1 not me right?
  • 08:39 – Lady 2: But he is talking shit about me, That is not true the liar
  • 08:39 – Me: He did say he had a relationship with her but it’s over long ago
  • 08:40 – Lady 2: he is busy now; as soon as he is done I’m going to tell him to confirm this with you
  • 08:40 – Me: And again I ask you why would he do this to you if it is not true

So she went on about she sent him a little heart message (that’s the message that was on the spycam) and that it was inappropriate, she even told her husband that. She just wanted to thank him for some work he did. So again I mention then how did her boobs appear on his phone, and she asked me why I would even think it is hers and when I told her that he told me she kept on telling me that she can’t wait to hear what he has to say about these lies, she works specific hours to accommodate for travelling to pick up her children she even gave me the times. Over and above the boobs photos, there were also photos of herself (face photos – so come on am I so stupid, really) S

So she tells me

  • 08:48 – Lady 2: I never leave the house without my husband and my children. Never (Oh Come on, we all leave the house sometime without our kids or husbands, so saying never oh come on, just really)
  • 08:48 – Lady 2: My day is just too busy to meet at places, I don’t have time for that, and I will talk to him (Yes, run quick, run because guess what he is not going to defend you)
  • 08:49 – Lady 2: I do not have time to drive around and meet up, so why do you say that (you don’t have the time, but you constantly went for lunch, you met him for lunch all over and even lied to your employer as to where you were, but right you don’t have time)
  • 08:50 – Me: Maybe because with you it only happened 1 time yet (or shall I say 1 time he told me about, and she still denies)
  • 08:51 – Lady 2: I am not that type of girl you know (Sorry but I have to snort laugh here)
  • 08:51 – Me: Maybe because with you it only happened 1 time yet. Do you know I have proof of the Hotel? Why if you were in a relationship don’t you admit it to me?
  • 08:55 – Lady 2: Because I am not in a relationship with your husband (Maybe just sleeping right)
  • 08:55 – Me: So you want to tell me you just jumped in bed with him
  • 08:55 – Lady 2: Is that what he says? (he says a lot, and you to but both lies)
  • 08:56 – Me: Oh Yes honey, he says that and I even have the proof of the Hotel (I gave her the name of the hotel that was booked to show her I know, but oh boy)
  • 08:56 – Lady 2: I really don’t know what to tell you anymore you will not believe me anyway
  • 08:57 – Me: Be Honest

So here I decided that I will do my husband the favor so I can get him the details he asked for:

  • 09:29 – Me: Why would he say he slept with you if that is not true
  • 09:29 – Lady 2: Because he is the biggest Dick under the sun, he destroyed my entire marriage. Because of him my marriage is fucked (So she still don’t see that it is because of him and her, why does she just blame him, I don’t understand her logic)
  • 09:32 – Me: but now you can have him right? So why not take him?
  • 09:32 – Lady 2: Not even if you pay me, he is not my type; I will not give up my family for him or anything
  • 09:33 – Me:  Wait – He is not your type??
  • 09:33 – Lady 2: I am not attracted to a man of a different race than me, we have cultural differences and I am not interested. I will not give up my family.

And then she kept on telling me that she would never give up her family, he kids are fair and that it is not necessarily the skin color but there is definitely cultural differences, I asked her then:

  • 09:35 – Me: So if you were or are in a relationship, why would you talk about him this way
  • 09:50 – Lady 2: Because he is definitely not the man I though he was, he showed me  that is is different to what he said he is (Oh come on really, do you think people say everything you don’t even but you expect that from others). The things he is doing right now makes me say that (Yes and what is he saying, for once he is owning up and telling the truth and now he is such a bad person). He walks around here at work looking like a sick puppy all sad as if someone stole his food (I can imagine this actually, I do think that this is because he thought you would stand behind him and he got a real wake up call.)

But …she ended the conversation telling me that she will not be blocking me on her phone and the chat applications but she will no longer talk to me (as if I care, you don’t come clean, you think I am stupid and I just had enough anyway). She tells me that she hopes I find peace, and that even if I send something she will no longer respond. (How is anyone suppose to find peace, find peach with your lies? Find peace with what? Will you find peace knowing I know and that I can talk anytime?) To which I ended telling her that she can block me if she wants, I have nothing more to lose, that I have enough proof and that she doesn’t have to validate anything, and the fact that she questions my intelligence by not admitting even when I shared so much with her that she could see was valid, she still lied. I told her that I told him that sooner or later I will be ready to share this with maybe their spouses. Maybe one day I will, maybe not, but let me tell you something, I would have been better if they hear it from their own partners. (thinking back I could have dealt with some stuff differently, I could have treated things differently, I could have not threatened her with telling her husband, but honestly i just felt, and I still feel like Karma didn’t get tot hem yet)

Look I must be honest, this wasn’t easy at all for me, and the days leading up to this and after this wasn’t either, but the more I read this, I realize that life goes on, not just for them but for me as well. I feel sorry for their families because I don’t think that they thought about any of the consequences to their marriages and kids before allowing this, but it is their problem now. It is also their problem as to how they will tell their husbands, and should it ever come out, may their husbands not feel the same pain as what I did, may they be more open and honest then.

He had to give the attorney an answer the end of this month, he didn’t, he also never spoke to me about anything he thought about or what he felt, the only things that kept on happening is that more and more of the crap leaked out and they never thought it would..

And that is the end of August…