And here I thought… Well I was wrong

beignme1 Comment

I have been away, I mean not blogging, because I went on my merry self and tried to sort out my life, but I guess time was no healer, but in my case, time gave me time to grow, to get stronger and to focus on me. Time gave me more perspective in terms of what I needed and what I want, and here I am, blogging again. It has been a while, from my initial discovery in 2018, until now, and now I have more to say…..

I have never had the opportunity to get closure on a lot of things from the past, he just never wanted to speak about things, and I have left things unsaid. I have moved on with all that in the unknown and really tried hard to look forward, to see the future, without looking back in the past, and I think in some ways I have been able to achieve that. I was not 100%, but I know in my heart that I tried, that I gave it my all, and this time, I need to look out for myself. I am not sure what this future will hold, but I will survive whatever will come my way.

So, I have a question for anyone out there: Do you see it as cheating when your husband sends a message via WhatsApp to a married lady telling her he loves her?

Well, let me explain!

So, my husband was preparing for a trip on Friday night, I helped him, pack and get everything ready for his trip. After all the packing he then took some photos of his packing art LOL and sent it off to a couple of guys. I then had to quickly get onto his phone as he wanted me to send something, when I noticed that the same photos were sent yet again to Lady 1. So, when I questioned him, he mentioned that he just shared it, because she wanted to know how he will transport everything. So, I left it, but it was a nagging kind of feeling. If you have read my post before, you will know that he works with Lady 1, so yes, she is still in the picture. Anyway, I left it and on Saturday morning off he went on his trip. Later during the day, he sent me a couple of photos of the trip with 4 heart emojis, so I returned it with a blowing kiss emoji and that was the last I heard from him until Sunday. So, Sunday, he sent me a single red heart emoji on WhatsApp, which I returned with a single purple heart emoji, then I told him to enjoy the day out,. He called me at around 10am to tell me that he is in the vicinity, and I started cooking something for lunch. So, he got home at around 4pm, and this is where the issue started….

So, let me explain the in between.

On Saturday Lady 1 was working, and obviously as you would have read by now my husband went on his trip. I was at home doing what I had to do, cleaning, working, and sorting out the things in our daily life. *DING* went my phone and I thought it might be information that I was waiting for, so I went to check, hmmmm some weird incoming message on email, but wait, this looks so familiar. So, I opened the email and there it is… A WhatsApp conversation between my husband and lady 1. It went like this: The same photos he sent me on Saturday he sent her, then a Single red heart Emoji, then another message saying Love you with a whole slew of hug emojis. She then replies with a Single red heart Emoji, and a Ditto with a kiss Emoji, then he sent her another photo, where she replies saying “Enjoy” with another kiss Emoji…

So back to when he returned home on Sunday.

He got home, we sat talking for a while about his trip and I told him the stuff that I had to email from his phone never came through, so he said I should just send it again. Picking up his phone, I went into his email and resent the messages. I gave him back his phone. And then my conversation started… continuing from this is where the issue started….

  • Me: So did you send Lady 1 any more photos of your trip
  • Him: No why would I do such a thing
  • Me: I am just asking because you said that she wanted to know you’re safe and sound
  • Him: No, I did not send her anything, I just sent her the photo on Friday night when we prepared
  • Me: Can I see
  • Him: “looking through his phone trying to find her name”
  • Me: Just search her name
  • Him: No that is not how I do it
  • Me: “getting irritated” Just give me the phone so I can see
  • Him: “hands me the phone”
  • Me: Searching with her name, coming up on a cleaned-out chat history
  • Me: So where did your messages go
  • Him: I don’t know
  • Me: You cleaned it out right because that is easier to delete all the messages instead of one message, so you don’t make a mistake right?
  • Him: What do you mean
  • Me: Did you not send her anything during the weekend
  • Him: I promise you, I never communicated with her at all
  • Me: “Got so angry” Walked up to my phone and showed him the screenshot, where he sent her the messages
  • Him: I swear I never sent her anything, I don’t remember, I promise you, I don’t know where this come from
  • Me: “Proud moment for me, to be honest, because my heart was racing my head was spinning in anger, but I stayed calm” Walking up to him while he is seated, putting my face right up to his looking him in the eyes, saying YOU ARE THE BIGGEST LIAR I EVER MET, and I truly hate you, I hate what you have done to me, but I am not going to get upset, I am not going to cry, because you have proven to me that you are not worth it.
  • Me: I am done, You are not worth it, I am worth so much more that what you are able to give me. I want a divorce.

So again, I will ask – I have a question for anyone out there: Do you see it as cheating when your husband send messages via WhatsApp like I explained above, or am I just sensitive?

He got right up to my face, told me that the Love you means nothing, that it is a friendship Love you, not a Love you like he loves me, he did not mean that message the same as what his love is for me, he loves me, I am his everything, he will fight for me, he will not divorce me, he will do everything in his power to not let the divorce go through, I just stated that he can have everything, last time he was so greedy he wanted it all, this time, he can have it all as long as he just get out of my life. I don’t want to talk to him, I don’t want to see him, I want nothing from him, no reminder no nothing. I told him that I know that we recently bought a new home together (as part of the trying to move on), and that I will do my share to get it sold, I will stay until it is sold (as I don’t have another choice), but as soon as things are done, it will be bye, bye forever. I told him that I really wasted my life on him, that for the years I have been married to him, he cheated with about 5 Ladies that I know of and lies his way through life. I am just over it all. I just can’t continue life like this as I would lose myself in the process.

I had the longest night of my life, trying to sleep and not managing to shut my brain down, fell asleep at around 2am in our spare room…

But in this I have also taken a step forward, I have enrolled for some more studying, I am doing this with my sister-in-law, who actually convinced me that we should do it together and on Saturday we actually done the paperwork and payments and am awaiting our course material. I might have taken steps back in my marriage, but I am taking more steps forward for my own peace of mind and sanity… Loving me First!

Ending this with a reminder: If I asked you to name all the things that you love, how long would it take for you to name yourself? REMEMER YOURSELF, YOU ARE WORTH IT!

Me

beignmeLeave a comment

Hallo everyone,

I have been missing in action for a while, not that I can say I’ve been missing because life is good, it’s just because of time.

I hope you’re all good… I’m back and will update you on the journey so far

Cupid, is this your fault?

beignme6 Comments

Cupid

So this is a question that kind off is stuck in my head at the moment and it is all about Unrequited love!I am sure you know that Unrequited love – but in a nutshell it is love that is not openly reciprocated. Well the thing is, I don’t really know whether or not I might fall in this category. Let me start to explain:

A number of people have told me before that they believe that my husband has a hold on me, because no matter what he does, I always find a way to forgive him and a way to move on (with him), and for the last couple of weeks it is something that has been playing over and over and over in my head. Do I love him and does he not even return anything, do I love him and let him do this to me over and over again and I find a way to forgive him, but I don’t see that he doesn’t feel anything for me, Am I just blind to everything.

Well it took some time for me to think about it and to be really honest with myself. I still don’t really have the answer and I don’t think that thinking about this is any healthy for me at this stage but hey…

Look they say signs (that is when you look on the internet) of unrequited or one sided love is things like:

  • The fact that they can do nothing wrong in your eyes – and this is partially true, I know that he is doing wrong, but I have always found ways to forgive
  • There is little to no physical contact – again this is true, but he has never really been a person who is clingy, but maybe he was and I am looking past it and making up excuses
  • You are unnoticed, the one you love may not notice you at all – this is very true in my life, he hardly even notice any change, no hair change, mood change or anything unless I point it out, or he notice and doesn’t say anything
  • They don’t notice your absence – he can easily be without me the entire day, and even if I am there and leave the room he will only look for me when he needs something
  • You are ignored and always give more – he never speak to me not even on social media, and when I ask him to call me for whatever he sometimes does. Even if I send personal messages he will just answer with emoji…
  • Flirting with other people and not spending time with you – whenever he can he will always be with and around other people. It is almost as if he doesn’t need alone time with me.

 

And these are my thoughts:

  • Could it just be because of where we are in life
  • Could it be because of emotional baggage from the affairs
  • Could it really just be that we have drifted apart and that we are no longer compatible
  • Could it be that I am just expecting too much

What do you think – could it be that it has always been reciprocated love and that as why he had his affairs?

Does Forgiveness Change The Future?

beignme9 Comments

As most of you know, i do refer to the hussies that my husband were involved with Lady 1 and Lady 2, so yeah this is all about the 1

About a week ago, I was busy at his work cleaning up stuff on his computer, he was running around doing what he had to do and sorting out things, so I carried on archiving his emails etc, then I heard the class office door

*Click* – I looked up

AND THERE SHE WAS

She was working with him the day, she then decided to come into his office, but before i could say anything, she started tearing up and some tears run down her cheeks… (Was I suppose to feel anything here – if So I Didn’t)

She started by saying she is really sorry, she feels that she need to get this off her chest. She has been seeing me around and she wanted to talk to me before. She said again, I am sorry that this happened

She told me that she’s really sorry for what happened, she said that she need to sort out her life with God and that she realized she has beautiful children in her marriage. I asked her if her husband knows and whether she is saying this to keep my mouth shut, she said that he doesn’t know and that she hope that in time she will be able to tell him the truth. I told her that she please need to stop talking about her children, because she didn’t think of them when she started this whole thing, that they (My husband and Lady 1 and 2) used the children every time i confronted them, telling me I had to think of the children – why should I think of them but both of them never thought of their own children. She asked me to forgive her – I said to her that she is forgiven, I would not be able to forget, but she alone can ask God to forgive her sins and she alone can account for them. She told me that she doesn’t know why it happened but it did, she said that she is really sorry

What am I suppose to make of it, I don’t feel better, the apology that I hoped would have made me feel different didn’t do anything.

Again, I can only work on myself… I can not change anyone or the past, but I really hoped that this would have made me feel differently about things… it didn’t

Does forgiveness change the Future???

forgive

I am going to live

beignmeLeave a comment

Regrets, we all have them! But again, it’s what we do with each one that’s most important, and when we allow regrets to keep our focal point on the past, we are setting ourselves up again for failure. This is something I have come to realize – but to realize this it had to take a very emotional filled day in my life, and that day for me was the past Sunday.

So what do I do Accept the Unchangeable and should I Change the Unacceptable? So here I am pondering about whether my husband feels the same way about the state of our marital union as I do, especially going into this year. I got confronted again with something from our past which reared its head, my husband was involved in his club and got promoted up the ranks and with it brought on new responsibilities for me in the past, I put my heart and soul into it as I enjoyed it, but little did I know I was putting in all the effort and working my bum off every day and every weekend and he was lounging around in hotels. So after it all collapsed the way it did (long story) he joined somewhere else and I didn’t get involved. I never thought that we would by any means go back to anything similar, but boy oh boy I was so wrong, so again last night he got promoted and while I should be really happy for him I am more skeptical and almost more nervous than ever. When you got home to tell me the news last night all I wanted to do is lay there and cry. It just feels like I am being punished again. Feels like I am living my life over, feels like it is all Deja-vu. Oh boy I just don’t know right now what to do or how to react. I am feeling a bit lost and at a loss for words. (But enough about that for now)

On the more positive side, I have managed to work on myself. I have come to realize that I will never be able to change him (But I shouldn’t even want to change him). I can pray for him, I can be supportive of him and that I already did and do. So I asked myself the question, so what now? I decided to go back and take a good deep look at myself. I am looking into the “me” who am I…

Here is the BIGGEST QUESTION OF ALL

WHO ARE YOU REALLY? And the answers I have right now is little, but I am going to work on this and as I go along I am going to share my discovery. Why? Just because I feel like sharing it and maybe just maybe someone could come across it and it can help or safe them.

Honestly – someone saved me from where I have been in the deep pits of darkness – 2 ladies have taken my hands and they have started to bring me closer to light. I have come to realize that I cannot just live for him, I am supposed to live for me too. So Cheers – this is to me taking the leap of faith – I AM GOING TO LIVE

focus

New Year… Me!

beignme4 Comments

Happy 2019 Everyone, I hope that 2019 will be much better than the past years.

I must be honest, mine started off on a very bad note, but I am managing it and I have come to realize a couple of things about myself. Anyway, I know that life will never stand still for anyone of us, I also know that time tick by, so honestly I am not good at making New Year Resolutions and sticking to them, so I am not even going to try and make any. One thing is for sure, I am going to or shall I say I am on a route to discover….

  • Finding inner peace and finding my own life balance again
  • Finding more effective ways to let go of feelings and emotions
  • and looking after myself better in terms of health and eating habits

 

Lol – yeah seems like i have just made a list of things i just said i am not going to do, but hey…

Anyone of you have made New Year Resolutions? Are you good at keeping to it and fulfilling them?

Time to Reflect

beignme2 Comments

The last couple of days gave me a lot of time to reflect. To really look inside myself and to think about the things I have done in life, the things I want to do and the things I don’t want to do or don’t want in my life.

It is so strange to sit all by yourself and think about all these things, while there is people around you. Everyone busy with their own things, busy with their own life, busy with their own communication and their own things. Life stop for no one, you are either part of the gravy train or you stay behind…

I am however at a place where I believe that I have made decisions! I think that I have set new goals and that I have also decided what I will and wont allow in my life going forward. Yes it all seems so easy, but it’s not easy. I have lost people in my life because of the fact that I haven’t made a decision to just divorce and get it over with, I have lost people because I haven’t told anyone whether I will proceed with the divorce or not, I have lost people merely because they are no longer willing to put up with me and what ever I am going through, but I know now, more than ever, that I am able to stand alone. I am able to look after myself, and that I don’t need people to get by. I can do it on my own and if they don’t want to stand with me or be a friend or whatever then so be it.

The New Year is going to be tough, but I have decided to make changes for myself, changes that I will only do for me and if anyone doesn’t like it then oops!

I just need to look out for myself going forward, if I don’t No one else will…

So here is a closing thought:

What does Love mean?

And why is it so easy to use those words to say I love you?

But then you go and Break someone but still love them?

How on earth does that make sense…

Merry Christmas

beignmeLeave a comment

Hi Everyone,

Just a quick note (as some of us are still working) to say, Merry Christmas, and thank you for being out there and for your support!

May you be blessed and may you find peace in your heart, and may you allow the spirit of Christmas to warm your home with love, joy and peace. Have a blessed Christmas!! Be blessed and be safe!

Merry Christmas

Where to – Straight or Brake?

beignme5 Comments

Grrr, how does one cope with all these feelings running through your brain. Feelings of love, feelings of remorse, of hate, of self loathing, of revenge, do I even need to call them out, I am sure I am not the only one feeling this crap, feeling all these emotions, feeling these things…

You know when you sit in your car and drive towards a destination, and all you can think of is just drive, go straight, don’t brake, just accelerate, just, just… then you know! You realize that you have gotten to a point where the help is just not good enough, where the trying is just not good enough, where the talking is just not good enough, Now where to from here… Straight, or brake?

Quizzes on FB, Grrr

beignmeLeave a comment

I don’t like anything I do on Facebook right now, or shall I rather say, it is just working with my mind… making it run in all kinds of directions

Everyone seems to be doing these little quizzes and things on Facebook lately, where you click on a link and it tells you what 2019 have in store for you, or what you would get in 2019, or things like that..

If you know me personally you would know why I even blog about this, for those of you that don’t know me personally, well let me just say after numerous attempts at having a family we don’t have any children of our own, and if you have read previous posts you might have noticed that his hotel rendezvous with Lady 2 was exactly 10 days after we have seen a social worker for adoption. Well it was our second social worker, but the first one we saw a couple of years ago and we didn’t really like what they had to offer. This time round, this lady was so caring and so helpful I really had my heart set on a baby. I know I will be a good mother, I have no doubt that I would be a good mother at all, but now I have doubts whether I can be a mother in this relationship…

Anyway, I don’t want to be depressing, nor do I want to start the weekend thinking too much about this, but I thought I will share my FB notices… I must be honest and say that I use to let these things get me all excited just to feel emotional and let down again in the past, but at least I know better now

 

So without any further delay… take a look…

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