Cupid, is this your fault?

Cupid

So this is a question that kind off is stuck in my head at the moment and it is all about Unrequited love!I am sure you know that Unrequited love – but in a nutshell it is love that is not openly reciprocated. Well the thing is, I don’t really know whether or not I might fall in this category. Let me start to explain:

A number of people have told me before that they believe that my husband has a hold on me, because no matter what he does, I always find a way to forgive him and a way to move on (with him), and for the last couple of weeks it is something that has been playing over and over and over in my head. Do I love him and does he not even return anything, do I love him and let him do this to me over and over again and I find a way to forgive him, but I don’t see that he doesn’t feel anything for me, Am I just blind to everything.

Well it took some time for me to think about it and to be really honest with myself. I still don’t really have the answer and I don’t think that thinking about this is any healthy for me at this stage but hey…

Look they say signs (that is when you look on the internet) of unrequited or one sided love is things like:

  • The fact that they can do nothing wrong in your eyes – and this is partially true, I know that he is doing wrong, but I have always found ways to forgive
  • There is little to no physical contact – again this is true, but he has never really been a person who is clingy, but maybe he was and I am looking past it and making up excuses
  • You are unnoticed, the one you love may not notice you at all – this is very true in my life, he hardly even notice any change, no hair change, mood change or anything unless I point it out, or he notice and doesn’t say anything
  • They don’t notice your absence – he can easily be without me the entire day, and even if I am there and leave the room he will only look for me when he needs something
  • You are ignored and always give more – he never speak to me not even on social media, and when I ask him to call me for whatever he sometimes does. Even if I send personal messages he will just answer with emoji…
  • Flirting with other people and not spending time with you – whenever he can he will always be with and around other people. It is almost as if he doesn’t need alone time with me.

 

And these are my thoughts:

  • Could it just be because of where we are in life
  • Could it be because of emotional baggage from the affairs
  • Could it really just be that we have drifted apart and that we are no longer compatible
  • Could it be that I am just expecting too much

What do you think – could it be that it has always been reciprocated love and that as why he had his affairs?

Does Forgiveness Change The Future?

As most of you know, i do refer to the hussies that my husband were involved with Lady 1 and Lady 2, so yeah this is all about the 1

About a week ago, I was busy at his work cleaning up stuff on his computer, he was running around doing what he had to do and sorting out things, so I carried on archiving his emails etc, then I heard the class office door

*Click* – I looked up

AND THERE SHE WAS

She was working with him the day, she then decided to come into his office, but before i could say anything, she started tearing up and some tears run down her cheeks… (Was I suppose to feel anything here – if So I Didn’t)

She started by saying she is really sorry, she feels that she need to get this off her chest. She has been seeing me around and she wanted to talk to me before. She said again, I am sorry that this happened

She told me that she’s really sorry for what happened, she said that she need to sort out her life with God and that she realized she has beautiful children in her marriage. I asked her if her husband knows and whether she is saying this to keep my mouth shut, she said that he doesn’t know and that she hope that in time she will be able to tell him the truth. I told her that she please need to stop talking about her children, because she didn’t think of them when she started this whole thing, that they (My husband and Lady 1 and 2) used the children every time i confronted them, telling me I had to think of the children – why should I think of them but both of them never thought of their own children. She asked me to forgive her – I said to her that she is forgiven, I would not be able to forget, but she alone can ask God to forgive her sins and she alone can account for them. She told me that she doesn’t know why it happened but it did, she said that she is really sorry

What am I suppose to make of it, I don’t feel better, the apology that I hoped would have made me feel different didn’t do anything.

Again, I can only work on myself… I can not change anyone or the past, but I really hoped that this would have made me feel differently about things… it didn’t

Does forgiveness change the Future???

forgive

I am going to live

Regrets, we all have them! But again, it’s what we do with each one that’s most important, and when we allow regrets to keep our focal point on the past, we are setting ourselves up again for failure. This is something I have come to realize – but to realize this it had to take a very emotional filled day in my life, and that day for me was the past Sunday.

So what do I do Accept the Unchangeable and should I Change the Unacceptable? So here I am pondering about whether my husband feels the same way about the state of our marital union as I do, especially going into this year. I got confronted again with something from our past which reared its head, my husband was involved in his club and got promoted up the ranks and with it brought on new responsibilities for me in the past, I put my heart and soul into it as I enjoyed it, but little did I know I was putting in all the effort and working my bum off every day and every weekend and he was lounging around in hotels. So after it all collapsed the way it did (long story) he joined somewhere else and I didn’t get involved. I never thought that we would by any means go back to anything similar, but boy oh boy I was so wrong, so again last night he got promoted and while I should be really happy for him I am more skeptical and almost more nervous than ever. When you got home to tell me the news last night all I wanted to do is lay there and cry. It just feels like I am being punished again. Feels like I am living my life over, feels like it is all Deja-vu. Oh boy I just don’t know right now what to do or how to react. I am feeling a bit lost and at a loss for words. (But enough about that for now)

On the more positive side, I have managed to work on myself. I have come to realize that I will never be able to change him (But I shouldn’t even want to change him). I can pray for him, I can be supportive of him and that I already did and do. So I asked myself the question, so what now? I decided to go back and take a good deep look at myself. I am looking into the “me” who am I…

Here is the BIGGEST QUESTION OF ALL

WHO ARE YOU REALLY? And the answers I have right now is little, but I am going to work on this and as I go along I am going to share my discovery. Why? Just because I feel like sharing it and maybe just maybe someone could come across it and it can help or safe them.

Honestly – someone saved me from where I have been in the deep pits of darkness – 2 ladies have taken my hands and they have started to bring me closer to light. I have come to realize that I cannot just live for him, I am supposed to live for me too. So Cheers – this is to me taking the leap of faith – I AM GOING TO LIVE

focus

Hit Delete!!!

So here it is…

WHY DO PEOPLE FIND IT SO EASY TO REMOVE SOMEONE FROM THEIR LIFE?

I don’t seem to understand this, I find it really questionable. You see maybe it is just me, but when I become close with someone or when I allow someone close to me then surely that person means something, let alone if you allow for someone to share your bed, but why do people find it easy to switch off and move on, letting the person go, and never looking back?

Why is it so easy for friends to decide they no longer want to be part of your life, they make that choice and tomorrow they are gone. Why is it so easy for someone to cheat, be with their partner everyday and when it is out, they easily make the decision, they decide who they want and the other party get left behind, but before they were outed they couldn’t decide..

Today, I feel very alone (I know that I am not alone, I have plenty of people I can rely on), but I feel alone, some people have deserted me. People decided to no longer be part of my life, others decided that they will occasionally be there, others still talk to me daily and others have changed their life and it means that there is just no more room for more. I have been ill for a while (just flu) and I have been really emotional, been discovering more things about myself and have thrown myself into work to keep my mind occupied, but I don;t think it is working. I wish I had a little switch (like a light switch) so I can just switch off every thought and emotion, I just don’t want to feel right now.

 

mental-health-quote-hp-53-2-1

 

27 September what a Nightmare

I am going to start this post and say, I am truly ashamed! I contemplated whether I should add a post about it but I figured that I should. Yes I am ashamed of how I reacted, yes I have a lot of guilt, but honestly I was heading down a slippery slope…

He woke up sick

During the morning, I wanted to give him a call in order for me to maybe book a doctor appointment for him, but he didn’t answer and didn’t respond on my message…

During later the afternoon, I called him again (I shouldn’t have) and when he answered he was so rude I immediately regretted it. He told me that he is busy, he is working, one of his people isn’t there and he now has to do the work, he can’t talk, he is feeling so sick but he will rather go to the clinic later, he doesn’t have time to go to the doctor, and will call when he leaves, and that is where the call ended.. Right then… why the F-k do I still call this man! I never seem to learn

 

He called me much later as he was leaving the office, talking about everything that happened; he was late as he had late meetings with the staff and his manager. He spoke about changes at work and how this will impact him and his staff, he spoke about how the fact that he is sick and he went to the clinic, he also asked me how my day was, and I gave him a short rundown of the day. I asked him if it would be okay with him if we can talk a bit about our feelings and if he could share a bit about the past in order for me to understand, but he lost his cool and threatened to put the phone down, so I just replied with

 

Me:        if you’re not prepared to talk about anything, then we need to just let one another go. Right now it doesn’t even feel like our relationship is going anywhere, we will never recover from this

Him:       Okay fine, we can talk a bit. I have to go

 

Later that night we spoke about his work, we updated his CV and I managed to ask a couple of questions, things that really stuck to the back of my mind. Why, well I don’t know but it seems to me I need the answer on these

 

Q1:         Why did you allow the 2 physical affairs?

Q2:         Why did you allow it all to go so far and not just ask for a divorce?

Q3:         How did you manage to come home and face me after you have just been with them?

 

And the answers to all the above – I DON’T KNOW

 

At this point it just feels like that is the escape answer. Whenever I don’t want to answer you, I say I don’t know, whenever I don’t want you to know I say, I don’t know… and it really gets the better of me. So at this point please also do note that I am taking some calming medicine.

 

I got up from where we were sitting, as I got more and more irritated with the “I don’t know” answers, and I asked him if I could warm some food up for him. He then replied and I started to dish, but I got a little distracted and my mind wondered off a bit, so I asked the same question again. Could I warm some food for him (while I asked this I realized that I was already busy dishing for him) but this time his answer was NO, He will do it himself – so I chucked the stuff back and went to sit again.

 

Me:        Why do you keep saying one thing, but you do the exact opposite

Him:       What are you talking about?

Me:        I’m talking about the fact that just now you agreed to talk and now you don’t

Him:       I don’t want to keep talking about these things; you keep asking the same things

Me:        Does your marriage mean so little to you

Him:       No, You know I love you

Me:        You said the spark was gone and you felt it in January, so how did it now come back

Him:       We can get the spark back if both of us work on it

Me:        Why do I mean so little to you, that you spent all our money on others but weren’t even prepared to give me anything, you didn’t want to spent anything on me (now this is still a bit uncomfortable because how am I supposed to work through this one. I also didn’t feel like a lot of things but I still had to do it. I still bought him what he asked and needed… Why, because he is my husband)

 

But again he got upset

 

He got up and went to work food up for himself, I asked him why did he look for something outside of our marriage if he doesn’t even know what he was looking for (well that’s what he kept saying right) and yet again by this time his was fuming and I could see that he was prepared to start hitting the cupboard, but unfortunately I couldn’t let go. Again I said I think that I should talk to Lady 1 and Lady 2, maybe see it from their point of view, maybe that could give me the answers he didn’t have, maybe that will help me work through my own healing, but the answer to this is always that I can but that I have to give it time, that I should calm down, and that he knows me and that he knows that if one of them would like openly or if they will deny things that I know is true that I will lose my cool and he is scared that I might hit them, he went on  and on about trying to keep them away from me, because he doesn’t trust me, because they might not want to be honest with me… and the more he spoke about it the more both of us got aggravated, the more both of us got irritated and I think that I am just at the point where I am ready to explode

 

I feel like I am not getting any answers, like he is still hiding something from me, that he is still protecting them, that nothing will ever change and that he will keep lying and cheating, that I am fighting a losing battle to try and understand anything…

 

I was standing at the microwave warming my food, I took my food out of the microwave and it was still cold (anger building – he carries on as if nothing is wrong), I put my food back into the microwave (anger building – he is talking about what he really wanted to eat), the timer goes off and I take my food out, now the food looks fine (anger building – he is still talking about how he didn’t want to eat what he just dished up), walked back to where he was sitting and when I took the first bite the food was still cold (anger building – he is still talking), walk back to the microwave open the door, put my food in, switch it on (losing my patience and knowing I should calm down) timer goes off  – he is still going on – open the microwave door, bang it close, hit the microwave, shake the microwave, microwave switch off automatically and the plugs switch trip (I think I just broke the microwave) take-out food, walk back to eat, food now overheated, I started Looked at him while he is going on about the fact that he asked me to make him something different to eat, but now he just had to eat that food because I didn’t listen… I lost it, I yelling and screaming answers at him and chucked the kitchen chair, the more I did this the more he aggravated me, I went to sit down to eat and he responded with such a snarky comment that I got so upset I threw my plate in the air and it dropped on the floor, walked to the bedroom, opened the door, slammed the door, opened the door, slammed the door, opened it again and I broke down crying (at his point I know already that my reaction is so wrong and I already felt so stupid for this, but how am I supposed to cope with everything. If he runs into trouble he runs to Lady 1 and Lady 2, I have no one… NO ONE! He walked in shortly after and told me that he is leaving; I told him that that would be in order, and that he needs to take his keys with, because I will be packing my things and will be leaving

But he stayed (why he stayed I don’t really know…

 

I cried – and he just stood there

I cried – and he never once tried to comfort me

 

Why did this have to happen to me, I have given this man everything I had and he truly hurt me so deeply? I don’t understand why he could have done this. Why were others so much more important to him than me, why was I who gave him all of my life worth nothing in his eyes? Why does he never comfort me, why could he never be truthful to me, why did he not just divorce me to sleep around? Why, why, why?

 

I went to bed – knowing that this outburst was one of the worst days ever, the worst experience and that it wasn’t healthy for me at all. I felt ashamed that I have screamed, yelled and shouted that I broke the microwave and that I messed food. I just had to close my eyes and forget. Even if it will only be for a short time period

 

He told me that he knows we can work things through; we will be able to work on us and get it sorted out. I just laid there crying silently till I fell asleep

Cry and cry some more

Time never stand still, Life Continues…

 

So calling him during the day – VERY BAD IDEA – Result – SCREAMING AND SHOUTING

I can’t call him for anything during the day, whenever I do, even if I need help, he picks up and then start shouting that he is busy… what do I want? And that, well that just shuts me up! He told me he is not getting to everything, he is busy, he needs to do a lot of stuff before he can go home and before he can leave on his trip. He kept on telling me that he can’t pick up the call he saw me calling but he is busy and so it just continues… (but now the question remains, you’re busy and I had to get some info, so no problem, but when I do ask you to call back you never do, so where is the problem?) and you’re so busy but you can run around and order and pay for food for people… oh come on, and you’re so busy that you can’t just listen for 5 seconds byt you can go sit in a salon for a shave… (am I expecting to much here?)

 

I’m pissed at this point, because no matter what I do or say, it always just ends up in a fight, and here we were at another crossing, he was on his way out of town and again he choice his hobby above his marriage (something he said he wanted to work on), but I guess my view on working on a marriage and his are totally different (just saying)

 

So from work I rushed home to make sure that he has everything he needs for his trip. I made sure the clothing is washed and ironed, that he has toiletries and all those kind of things. I even rushed to the shops to buy some meat and prepare something to eat before he arrived so he can focus on packing. (Why did I do this, Oh I actually regret every moment, as you’ll just see what a night it became?)

 

…Then he arrived…

 

While talking to one of the guys who will be going with on this trip, he stood looking over me while I finished up the last bit of things before we were ready to eat. After his call, I told him that we were ready to dish up food and eat, which will leave him with lots of time to pack. So both of us dished and sat at the table ready to eat. While sitting here I just could stop my mind from running over and over everything that happened and that have been said over the last couple of weeks / months. (How do you just switch everything off, how are you supposed to just forget anything ever happened, how are you supposed to just go back to normal. Nothing is Normal anymore; we will never be able to go back to how things were?). I think both of us felt a bit edgy, both of us didn’t really know how to deal with everything, and at times talking about things made the whole situation worse. So he mentioned that he spoke to Lady 1 today, they spoke about the wedding of a colleague which we are all invited too. He said that lady 1 told him that the wedding will be really weird and awkward now that I know of him and her, and apparently he said to her that it wouldn’t be weird, because he even told me that if he wants to dance with her he will. Yeah you read it, he didn’t ask me, he didn’t check if it would be okay, but he TOLD ME, and I suppose you guessed it already…

 

*I SNAPPED*

 

Why on this earth do you want to work on your marriage but still cling to someone your screwed, why would you want to hold her and dance with her while I sit there with her husband (who doesn’t know). Why could you not even respect me on a day like that after you f-up the memory I had of ours, and obviously he doesn’t see anything wrong with that scenario!!! So yet another massive argument about the fact that he will do whatever he wants to that day even if it involves her, and I just need to deal with it. (Is it just me or does he really not care at all, why does he even want to work on a marriage then, I will never be good enough, I will never mean anything to him, he will never respect me, he will never care for me, he will never care about how I feel)…

 

And that resulted in both of us just getting up from the table – leaving our food

 

At this stage he went to pack, but I still had so much on my mind, so I walked to where he was busy in the room, I walked in and kept talking but he became so angry it literally looked like he was about to hit me. So he turned around and told me to F-off.

 

Me:        do you know that even after all the hurt I love you and just wanted to talk

Him:       F-off

Him:       Stop threatening me, stop asking shit, I am tired of this shit, just F-off

Me:        I also had enough, enough of being played, enough of meaning nothing to you. I will leave, Me:               Right, I will f-off (I turned and walked away)

 

As I was walking away, I knew that I couldn’t take the car and go somewhere because I had something to drink and that he will be leaving in a couple of hours anyway, so I went outside. I went to the back of our property and I sat at the pool (I just had to get away, I just had to refocus, I just couldn’t hurt like this anymore, I just couldn’t take it anymore), but as I was walking out he was still calling and shouting. I just stayed outside, in the dark, listening to the fountain, and I started to cry. I cried for a long time, I cried for each missed opportunity, I cried because I didn’t know and I didn’t realize that he was doing this to me, I cried because I offered him everything and this was what I was getting, I cried because I knew again he picked her instead of caring about my feelings, I cried because I spent 24 years of my life dedicated to this person who was spending the last 8 years of his life dedicating it to others, I cried because I just felt so empty and alone inside and I am so confused, I cried and cried and cried.

 

He kept calling me from the inside to come inside (he never once took his own keys to come look for me) he just kept calling and screaming and going on.

Him:       You will just get sick

Me:        I don’t care and nor should you

I don’t know how long I spent outside, but the time came to go back in

Him:       Help me look for rope to tie up my bag to the bike

Me:        I don’t know where the rope is

Him:       I used it the last time

Me:        Why did you not put it back where it is supposed to be?

Him:       I am taking your car; I am going to the garage to buy

 

So again – things just continued as if nothing just happened. Just forget right, just forget!!!

And within ours he left on his trip… now in hindsight – last year this time I did find evidence of his Hotel bookings, but I was never able to piece the puzzle together, I was so trusting and naïve. I found a photo on his phone, where he took the photo of the room, he obviously must have sent it to someone, and when I questioned him he said that he doesn’t know what that was for, he never saw it and it must have been sent to him. Even though I knew it were his fingers gripping the picture before he took the photo I just left it…? Boy oh Boy if only…

 

And basically I got ignored while he was out and about with the boys… Just a few messages here and there, and one quick call so he can rant about stuff, and then dead silence… until his return…

You say what? Another Confrontation?

Okay so still stuck in the month of September – basically 19 September

So things are still so weird, yes he said he doesn’t want the divorce and yes he get home earlier than before and yes he now travels with me once a week so we can talk a bit, but it is still not all good.

So the morning of the 19th he drove with me to work and the drive was not fun at all as we overslept a bit and had to rush to get to work, but when we eventually got there it turned out weird as he jumped out the car told me to take the wheel and go, so when I mentioned that hey this is weird he just turned around saying I am late, but then turned to the people waiting at the gate and could greet them and smile politely. Some days I just don’t know whether he thinks that is the norm in terms of treating me. For the rest of the day I didn’t hear a squeak from him. I sent messages to ask what time we will be travelling, but never even got any responses on that. So off I went to his office for us to travel out of town and arrived there at around 4:30………..

He was still sitting in his office busy, so I went and spoke to the ladies in the front (which you should know by now include lady 1) I spoke polity and talked to each of them in turn, never even missing a beat with her. I could see that she was uncomfortable but I just looked at her, asked how the kids and husband were and then carried on as I would normally even though inside of me a had a huge storm of emotions going, a whole lot of thoughts wanting to come out, and a whole lot of words ready on the tip of my tongue which I just to keep in.

 

After a while I realized that he was already getting ready to leave, and I rushed outside to get my stuff out my car which I wanted to take with on the ride, so on my way out, Lady 1 was busy with a customer on a portable phone and she walked behind me. I didn’t pay her any attention, as I figured that she was on a call with a customer that she might be on her way out somewhere, so I just kept walking. I retrieved my stuff out my car and as I was making my way back in, she was standing close by.

 

Lady 1: So, you said you wanted to talk before, When are we going to talk then

Me:        It doesn’t matter anymore; we don’t have to talk about anything

Lady 1:  We should talk

Me:        Like I said it doesn’t matter, we are getting a divorce, do you know that

Lady 1:  Yes, I never planned for that to happen; I didn’t want you two to divorce

Me:        Oh come on, what did you and Lady 2 expect would happen?

Lady 1:  (just stare at me)

Me:        Once the divorce is final, I’ll tell your husband and the husband for Lady 2 everything, so I hope you have told them. Do you even realize that all the money spent on jewellery, spend on perfumes, spent on flowers, spent on your hotel sessions and everything else, do you realise that the money also came from my accounts. Do you realize I paid as much for your hotel sessions as him…

 

…I turned and walked off… leaving her staring at my back

But when I got to his office, he obviously saw this (and believe me when I tell you, I was talking politely, not screaming not shouting at her, just talking), but he was fuming and like always I got the scream… Fuck I am so tired of this already, they run to him, I crap, they don’t like something, he calls me and I crap, they confront me and when I talk back, I crap… what more am I supposed to do, how much more am I supposed to take without losing my shit. So I closed the door behind me (even though it has glass panels so everyone can still see us) he let rip.

 

Him:       Not at my work, I told you not to do this at my work

Me:        I didn’t, she confronted me at the car

Him:       Bullshit, I saw your hands going as you were fighting with her

Me:        No, You don’t know me at all, I was merely talking to her (told him what I said)

Him:       That is why you aren’t welcome here anymore; I don’t want you here anymore

Me:        Fine, I will take it offsite with her and Lady 2 at some point

Him:       Just not at my work

Him:       I trusted you to come to my work and now this

 

So that is where it ended, we then went outside, got into his bakkie and drove off. The start of our approximate 6 hour round trip journey

And the screaming continues…

 

Him:       I trusted you, I trusted you to come to my work

Me:        It wasn’t me; I didn’t do anything I just wanted to get my stuff from the car

Him:       I trusted you!!!!

Me:        So blame me then, blame me for everything, blame me for everything you and them have done, everyone knows that you will always take their side, and that is why they will confront me while you aren’t watching and then be all smug because you will take it out on me.

Him:       You came to my work, you looked for this, why did you go outside (Screaming and shouting)

Me:        You know, if we don’t talk about these things it will never be resolved, you know, I don’t even know if I can trust you or anything you say at all

Me:        What you have just done to me, the screaming, the name calling, the shouting, do you know how that makes me feel. It is wrong on all levels, and they know you will come up for them and that I will bear the brunt. Why do you always come up for them? You never come up for me, you never support me, you always yell at me, and you know what, they know you will do that to me.

Me:        You bought them all these things, you know, being married to you for almost 20 years I never got anything like it, even though I was the one who supported you when you. I was the one who was there long late hours of the night, when we both had nothing, I was the one who worked hard and supported us when you weren’t earning much, then when you made the career change, I was the one supporting you, cheering you on, even driving you to the interview. I was the one who slept on the cold floors waiting for you to finish up, I always did everything for you, and you know what, I regret it all today… because it was so fucking easy for you to just cheat

Me:        Why did you have to go out and touch these woman and kiss, why did you start and affair in the first place, why couldn’t you have been committed

Him:       We were not happy (this is still something I need to figure out, because in my mind things were not bad in the marriage, but my version of happy and his is definitely different)

Him:       Look kissing the others, I was drunk

With the other 2 ladies, we were not happy, I was stupid, I never should have, and I fucked up

Me:        Why did you not stop the affairs?

Him:       I don’t know

Me:        Why don’t you just let the divorce go through, if we are unhappy, and you are so unhappy with me for so long that you have been in a relationship with others for 3 years, just go through with the divorce so we both can live our life.

Him:       I don’t feel ready for a divorce, I still love you

Me:        Are you just saying this, because I threatened to tell their husbands

Him:       No, we are all adults, all of us knew what we were getting into, and all of us will get our own karma, even for them. They knew the consequences of this

Me:        Did you ever feel guilty of doing this

Him:       In the beginning of the affair I did, after a while I didn’t anymore, it became the norm. When we worked together the day, we would go off together, and then go to our spouses

Him:       I am done talking about it, can we just travel and not talk about them please

And there I sat… knowing

I asked for a very cheap silver pendant one year (during his affair time which is much less than the flowers he bought) and I never got anything, he spent our communal money on them, but when I needed something there was never money for me, knowing that he just didn’t want to spent anything on me hurt… Knowing that he blamed me because he asked me to stop smoking and I said that I will do it on my own time (which I have done now), blaming me because when he arrived home at night I was listening to online audible books (but he sat at the television not wanting to talk to anyone), blaming me for not physically being there, and not being able to talk to me… (And this I still need to all work through for myself)

Look I know that he said that Lady 1 broke it of this year (in the beginning sometime) because she wants to focus on her family life and her husband, I now worked it out that the affair with lady 2 started almost 2 months after Lady 1 called it off (yes so quick) and in less than the 2 month talking they were both in the hotel… I can’t seem to think through how quickly things escalated from just talking to sleeping together, and when I have asked these questions he just says that it just happened, and that by itself just makes it all seem like the talked the 1st day and started sleeping together on the 2nd. Anyway… I just can’t think this whole scenario through, but I also know that I will never get the answers from him… I never wanted exact details, but I needed to understand how they both allowed themselves to grow so close and so quickly to end up sleeping together… but maybe this is something I will never understand, or maybe this could be something that I will unpack at a later stage of my life… Who knows?

 

I sit here and think of all the things he has said:

The fact that he just agreed to let Lady 1 go on with her life and that they could just be friends, the fact that he is disappointed in lady 2, because he thought she will have some backbone, the fact that he had all the time to run off to hotels and talk to them on which ever platform but can never do this for me, the fact that I will most probably feel unwanted and uncared for always and that he will never stand up for me, the fact that he told me to my face that Lady 1 have beautiful eyes but that she is not beautiful and lady 2 is a very beautiful lady…and all these thoughts just came and went and came and went, like waves in an ocean, and each though brought its own emotions and feelings

 

  • How much screaming can I take?
  • How much more can I take before I break?
  • Will it ever get better?
  • Will I ever feel better?
  • Will I ever be able to function the same again?
  • How do one more on from all this?
  • Is there more I just don’t know about yet?

 

Time will tell