Just something, before the trip

I decided to add the little things the kind of in between things here as well, things that I noted and that I just want to add here, right now everything I have posted has been so kind of negative (and believe me i am not yet very positive) but there is things that doesn’t go unnoticed, but goes without recognition and words, and I try to add these things but a lot of times when I go back and read my post again, I realize that i didn’t say anything positive

Here is the rest of October

  • I have started to notice that after the wedding he started to wear his wedding ring again, and even-though he was wearing his biking ring on that finger for some time now, he moved that off – that obviously dint last long and he alternates between the two rings because the biking ring doesn’t fit on any other finger, so when he has biking events or meetings he wears the biking ring, any other time his wedding ring.
  • We had an opportunity where he spoke about Lady 2, he told me that he always thought that she had more backbone. It sounded like she told him that she is a real fighter and that even her busband is scared of her some times as she stands up to anyone. He told me that he was hurt because he asked her if the fact that he was white was a problem and she always said no that his skin color was never a problem and then when he saw the messages she sent me it hurt him. He said that he just can’t understand why she can’t even acknowledge that she had the affair, not to me nor to her husband, he always thought she had it in her to at least confess when the time came. He told me that both of them did agree that they will never give up their families for one another, she told him that she want happy in her marriage, and he told her that there is things lacking in ours.When I asked him then why didn’t he just leave me and she her husband that they could have been together and happy, because both of them were then not happy right, he just told me that he loves me (this just still makes no sense to me) – if you love someone so much you are not willing to give up the person, then why would you look for things outside your marriage (is it just me, or does this sound off?) He told me that the people at work started to notice that him and Lady 2 aren’t talking anymore and they have asked him why, but he just keep saying that they communicate on email whatever is needed at work. He said that she needs to come to him if she wants to talk, he will not go to her to talk, he called her many times and said they had to talk but never did, and now she needs to when she is ready he doesn’t care
  • I also noted that he is and Lady 1 is communicating on Whatsapp, sending jokes and clips etc, nothing personal but it is still there, I also noticed that she is calling him everyday at around 5, now that is the time she leaves, apparently it is routine for one of the reception ladies to do so, but it seems to be her daily, and he leaves the messages so I can see (so I should be satified right?)
  • For him, the relationship with Lady 1 has been over a long time ago, so when he says long I just want to yell and scream, because 5 months to him is long!!! anyway the relationships have ended with Lady 1 and Lady 2 all at the Date of discovery basically in my mind. So from that day on it seems like the affairs are done, but here is the thing, Lady 1 asked him to end it because she wanted to focus on her husband and kids and now that Lady 2 is out of the picture now what? Would Lady 1 come back for more, and will he accept again? 
  • Some days I just feel like, nothing I say means anything, nothing I ask gets the answer that is really required, Nothing is changing, I feel like he doesn’t care about my feelings, I feel like everything is about him and him alone
  • So he has biking the end of the month and because it is the end of the month the Friday he first has to do the reports so he will only leave the Saturday and then return the Sunday. Anyway the 3rd is my birthday, but I have no high hopes for this day as for the last 6 – 8 years it has never been special, it was never made special by him. He then said that he hopes by then his financial situation would be sorted so he can at least buy me something for my birthday now let me tell you this, he doesn’t have the fucking financial shit, all he has is the shit he bought them on his credit card, so yes, it literally is a message that says: Look you fool, if I don’t have the cash, you will get nothing again, and then the 5th of December would be the big 20 Anniversary, yeah *sigh* maybe I need to talk about this later, it is just making me depressed so moving on… on the 5th he has a biking year end, but apparently he told them he cant be there because it is his anniversary and his wife comes first, so they told him to bring me with but he said no he is not going to their event he needs to do something for me – but do you think anything will happen from his side? Well I don’t want to get my hope up for the 3rd or the 5th so all i am going to say is watch this space, I will let you know

and then we left for work… the time away was good, it had its moments, and we worked and had some time together as well, the time away felt like normal, like these things didn’t happen, we were able to talk and just be without all the anger and emotions bubbling up from my side, and on our return, everything was back to normal… well normal as in back to how it was before we left (I will post about where we were, it was peaceful, I felt at peace, and I need to put it on here too.

Through this all, I still feel as if:

  • Even though he did mention that we didn’t really talk in the past and that he enjoyed speaking to Lady 2 on Whatsapp and that he would like that communication, he doesn’t really talk to me, and if I should send him anything he replies with a emoji, or he ignores the message – and when I ask why he just says he is busy. He says that he had to work late because he spoke to her the whole day and now he comes home early so that should be sufficient right? 
  • He mentioned that it was easy for him to do all these things with the ladies because we never even called one another during the day really, and when I use to call he never picked up. Now he does, but there are times that he doesn’t (but here I suppose I also needs to be reasonable because he has customers and meetings)
  • Whenever I ask him who is working on a Saturday, it seems like Lady 1 is getting away with not working, I haven’t heard her name pop up in a while when I ask, but I do know during the week they obviously see one another and that she and the other ladies working in the front buys things to eat and he does for them too.
  • He has given me all his passwords of his phone and other login accounts and has his phone available, I never go in at all, but the once or twice he asked me to help out I noticed some messages and calls, nothing really major, and yet again I will wonder if it gets deleted
  • Oh yeah, and I descovered I was alergic so Sunflower seeds. Yeah had some seeds on my salad, and he had to rush me off to the doctor, what an experience, I had to get some injections a drip and then after an EKG discovered that my heart seems to beat uneven – more to follow on this in December as I would have to go see a Cardiologist to check it out…
  • He updates his statuses at random, some days it makes me feel like he is sending someone a message again like he did before D Day, and other days I can’t really put it together… the other day he had Bruno Mars on, the song Just the way you are, it was just suddenly and unexpectedly weird of him. Eventually I couldn’t hold back the question anymore and then when I asked for who it was he said for me (yeah that I should have known) it was what he use to answer me in the past as well, but when this happens it wakes up all kinds of doubt and wonder
  • October was also the month where we had to make the decision to either proceed with the divorce or continue, now let me tell you what happened, I don’t think that I was prepared for this, and I wasn’t aware of all these things, it would have been nice to know it all up front. So the Attorney gave us an amount for the divorce and sent us the invoice shortly after we saw her in July, then we agreed to the cost, because it would have been an amiable divorce it was a settled amount, which we agreed we had to pay an amount up front, both me and him and then the last just before our court date. This was all fine and agreed, so when she called in August and he told her to please put it all on a bit of a hold, she sent us her invoice again, and now there were even more cost, cost for phone calls she made to both me and him (which honestly I can’t see that I received that many) and each e-mail she had to read each document she had to review (this is like an ID document) and then the drafting of the settlement agreement, well the cost involved for this was double the amount that was in the initial invoice and when I questioned it, I was told to pay the amount. When I asked her that I would want to speak to her on call, as she wasn’t available when I called her, she didn’t even reply. So at the end of the day, after a couple of emails I got a little discount but had to pay the amount within 5 days. All still feels so unreal, everything feels awkward and it is still something that I need take a look at because surely there is a snake in the grass, but it cost me a lot of money!!! and it feels like I had to pay because of the decision to hold off the divorce, almost feels like she was wanting or waiting for us to fight and take this to higher court (which would have secured much more money in her pocket), but even while this was going on, I said to him, look we are going to pay for the divorce whether we like it or not, so we could just as well divorce and stay together like you proposed in the first place, but his answer now became a no. He didn’t want to divorce, that he thought about his life and that he loves me and wants to be with me
  • I also mentioned to him that I was blogging, now he didn’t seem to find it funny, I told him that I haven’t used there names or his at all, and he just looked at me, he didn’t ask me much about it, not did he comment. So maybe he isn’t phased about it or maybe he is, but don’t want me to catch on. Who knows, maybe they are all reading this LOL. (and just because the Ladies might be reading this, I just want them to know – I call you ladies here just because I don’t want to use your real name and just because I am still saving your husbands and children from the pain you have caused them, I call you ladies but you are no lady in my eyes, You’re cheap, trashy, desperate and don’t know how to keep your own family happy and them still sleep with another ladies husband – just go fix your own fucking life and close up those legs)

So there you have it for now… just a whole bunch of this and that, and poof the month was gone

27 September what a Nightmare

I am going to start this post and say, I am truly ashamed! I contemplated whether I should add a post about it but I figured that I should. Yes I am ashamed of how I reacted, yes I have a lot of guilt, but honestly I was heading down a slippery slope…

He woke up sick

During the morning, I wanted to give him a call in order for me to maybe book a doctor appointment for him, but he didn’t answer and didn’t respond on my message…

During later the afternoon, I called him again (I shouldn’t have) and when he answered he was so rude I immediately regretted it. He told me that he is busy, he is working, one of his people isn’t there and he now has to do the work, he can’t talk, he is feeling so sick but he will rather go to the clinic later, he doesn’t have time to go to the doctor, and will call when he leaves, and that is where the call ended.. Right then… why the F-k do I still call this man! I never seem to learn

 

He called me much later as he was leaving the office, talking about everything that happened; he was late as he had late meetings with the staff and his manager. He spoke about changes at work and how this will impact him and his staff, he spoke about how the fact that he is sick and he went to the clinic, he also asked me how my day was, and I gave him a short rundown of the day. I asked him if it would be okay with him if we can talk a bit about our feelings and if he could share a bit about the past in order for me to understand, but he lost his cool and threatened to put the phone down, so I just replied with

 

Me:        if you’re not prepared to talk about anything, then we need to just let one another go. Right now it doesn’t even feel like our relationship is going anywhere, we will never recover from this

Him:       Okay fine, we can talk a bit. I have to go

 

Later that night we spoke about his work, we updated his CV and I managed to ask a couple of questions, things that really stuck to the back of my mind. Why, well I don’t know but it seems to me I need the answer on these

 

Q1:         Why did you allow the 2 physical affairs?

Q2:         Why did you allow it all to go so far and not just ask for a divorce?

Q3:         How did you manage to come home and face me after you have just been with them?

 

And the answers to all the above – I DON’T KNOW

 

At this point it just feels like that is the escape answer. Whenever I don’t want to answer you, I say I don’t know, whenever I don’t want you to know I say, I don’t know… and it really gets the better of me. So at this point please also do note that I am taking some calming medicine.

 

I got up from where we were sitting, as I got more and more irritated with the “I don’t know” answers, and I asked him if I could warm some food up for him. He then replied and I started to dish, but I got a little distracted and my mind wondered off a bit, so I asked the same question again. Could I warm some food for him (while I asked this I realized that I was already busy dishing for him) but this time his answer was NO, He will do it himself – so I chucked the stuff back and went to sit again.

 

Me:        Why do you keep saying one thing, but you do the exact opposite

Him:       What are you talking about?

Me:        I’m talking about the fact that just now you agreed to talk and now you don’t

Him:       I don’t want to keep talking about these things; you keep asking the same things

Me:        Does your marriage mean so little to you

Him:       No, You know I love you

Me:        You said the spark was gone and you felt it in January, so how did it now come back

Him:       We can get the spark back if both of us work on it

Me:        Why do I mean so little to you, that you spent all our money on others but weren’t even prepared to give me anything, you didn’t want to spent anything on me (now this is still a bit uncomfortable because how am I supposed to work through this one. I also didn’t feel like a lot of things but I still had to do it. I still bought him what he asked and needed… Why, because he is my husband)

 

But again he got upset

 

He got up and went to work food up for himself, I asked him why did he look for something outside of our marriage if he doesn’t even know what he was looking for (well that’s what he kept saying right) and yet again by this time his was fuming and I could see that he was prepared to start hitting the cupboard, but unfortunately I couldn’t let go. Again I said I think that I should talk to Lady 1 and Lady 2, maybe see it from their point of view, maybe that could give me the answers he didn’t have, maybe that will help me work through my own healing, but the answer to this is always that I can but that I have to give it time, that I should calm down, and that he knows me and that he knows that if one of them would like openly or if they will deny things that I know is true that I will lose my cool and he is scared that I might hit them, he went on  and on about trying to keep them away from me, because he doesn’t trust me, because they might not want to be honest with me… and the more he spoke about it the more both of us got aggravated, the more both of us got irritated and I think that I am just at the point where I am ready to explode

 

I feel like I am not getting any answers, like he is still hiding something from me, that he is still protecting them, that nothing will ever change and that he will keep lying and cheating, that I am fighting a losing battle to try and understand anything…

 

I was standing at the microwave warming my food, I took my food out of the microwave and it was still cold (anger building – he carries on as if nothing is wrong), I put my food back into the microwave (anger building – he is talking about what he really wanted to eat), the timer goes off and I take my food out, now the food looks fine (anger building – he is still talking about how he didn’t want to eat what he just dished up), walked back to where he was sitting and when I took the first bite the food was still cold (anger building – he is still talking), walk back to the microwave open the door, put my food in, switch it on (losing my patience and knowing I should calm down) timer goes off  – he is still going on – open the microwave door, bang it close, hit the microwave, shake the microwave, microwave switch off automatically and the plugs switch trip (I think I just broke the microwave) take-out food, walk back to eat, food now overheated, I started Looked at him while he is going on about the fact that he asked me to make him something different to eat, but now he just had to eat that food because I didn’t listen… I lost it, I yelling and screaming answers at him and chucked the kitchen chair, the more I did this the more he aggravated me, I went to sit down to eat and he responded with such a snarky comment that I got so upset I threw my plate in the air and it dropped on the floor, walked to the bedroom, opened the door, slammed the door, opened the door, slammed the door, opened it again and I broke down crying (at his point I know already that my reaction is so wrong and I already felt so stupid for this, but how am I supposed to cope with everything. If he runs into trouble he runs to Lady 1 and Lady 2, I have no one… NO ONE! He walked in shortly after and told me that he is leaving; I told him that that would be in order, and that he needs to take his keys with, because I will be packing my things and will be leaving

But he stayed (why he stayed I don’t really know…

 

I cried – and he just stood there

I cried – and he never once tried to comfort me

 

Why did this have to happen to me, I have given this man everything I had and he truly hurt me so deeply? I don’t understand why he could have done this. Why were others so much more important to him than me, why was I who gave him all of my life worth nothing in his eyes? Why does he never comfort me, why could he never be truthful to me, why did he not just divorce me to sleep around? Why, why, why?

 

I went to bed – knowing that this outburst was one of the worst days ever, the worst experience and that it wasn’t healthy for me at all. I felt ashamed that I have screamed, yelled and shouted that I broke the microwave and that I messed food. I just had to close my eyes and forget. Even if it will only be for a short time period

 

He told me that he knows we can work things through; we will be able to work on us and get it sorted out. I just laid there crying silently till I fell asleep

Cry and cry some more

Time never stand still, Life Continues…

 

So calling him during the day – VERY BAD IDEA – Result – SCREAMING AND SHOUTING

I can’t call him for anything during the day, whenever I do, even if I need help, he picks up and then start shouting that he is busy… what do I want? And that, well that just shuts me up! He told me he is not getting to everything, he is busy, he needs to do a lot of stuff before he can go home and before he can leave on his trip. He kept on telling me that he can’t pick up the call he saw me calling but he is busy and so it just continues… (but now the question remains, you’re busy and I had to get some info, so no problem, but when I do ask you to call back you never do, so where is the problem?) and you’re so busy but you can run around and order and pay for food for people… oh come on, and you’re so busy that you can’t just listen for 5 seconds byt you can go sit in a salon for a shave… (am I expecting to much here?)

 

I’m pissed at this point, because no matter what I do or say, it always just ends up in a fight, and here we were at another crossing, he was on his way out of town and again he choice his hobby above his marriage (something he said he wanted to work on), but I guess my view on working on a marriage and his are totally different (just saying)

 

So from work I rushed home to make sure that he has everything he needs for his trip. I made sure the clothing is washed and ironed, that he has toiletries and all those kind of things. I even rushed to the shops to buy some meat and prepare something to eat before he arrived so he can focus on packing. (Why did I do this, Oh I actually regret every moment, as you’ll just see what a night it became?)

 

…Then he arrived…

 

While talking to one of the guys who will be going with on this trip, he stood looking over me while I finished up the last bit of things before we were ready to eat. After his call, I told him that we were ready to dish up food and eat, which will leave him with lots of time to pack. So both of us dished and sat at the table ready to eat. While sitting here I just could stop my mind from running over and over everything that happened and that have been said over the last couple of weeks / months. (How do you just switch everything off, how are you supposed to just forget anything ever happened, how are you supposed to just go back to normal. Nothing is Normal anymore; we will never be able to go back to how things were?). I think both of us felt a bit edgy, both of us didn’t really know how to deal with everything, and at times talking about things made the whole situation worse. So he mentioned that he spoke to Lady 1 today, they spoke about the wedding of a colleague which we are all invited too. He said that lady 1 told him that the wedding will be really weird and awkward now that I know of him and her, and apparently he said to her that it wouldn’t be weird, because he even told me that if he wants to dance with her he will. Yeah you read it, he didn’t ask me, he didn’t check if it would be okay, but he TOLD ME, and I suppose you guessed it already…

 

*I SNAPPED*

 

Why on this earth do you want to work on your marriage but still cling to someone your screwed, why would you want to hold her and dance with her while I sit there with her husband (who doesn’t know). Why could you not even respect me on a day like that after you f-up the memory I had of ours, and obviously he doesn’t see anything wrong with that scenario!!! So yet another massive argument about the fact that he will do whatever he wants to that day even if it involves her, and I just need to deal with it. (Is it just me or does he really not care at all, why does he even want to work on a marriage then, I will never be good enough, I will never mean anything to him, he will never respect me, he will never care for me, he will never care about how I feel)…

 

And that resulted in both of us just getting up from the table – leaving our food

 

At this stage he went to pack, but I still had so much on my mind, so I walked to where he was busy in the room, I walked in and kept talking but he became so angry it literally looked like he was about to hit me. So he turned around and told me to F-off.

 

Me:        do you know that even after all the hurt I love you and just wanted to talk

Him:       F-off

Him:       Stop threatening me, stop asking shit, I am tired of this shit, just F-off

Me:        I also had enough, enough of being played, enough of meaning nothing to you. I will leave, Me:               Right, I will f-off (I turned and walked away)

 

As I was walking away, I knew that I couldn’t take the car and go somewhere because I had something to drink and that he will be leaving in a couple of hours anyway, so I went outside. I went to the back of our property and I sat at the pool (I just had to get away, I just had to refocus, I just couldn’t hurt like this anymore, I just couldn’t take it anymore), but as I was walking out he was still calling and shouting. I just stayed outside, in the dark, listening to the fountain, and I started to cry. I cried for a long time, I cried for each missed opportunity, I cried because I didn’t know and I didn’t realize that he was doing this to me, I cried because I offered him everything and this was what I was getting, I cried because I knew again he picked her instead of caring about my feelings, I cried because I spent 24 years of my life dedicated to this person who was spending the last 8 years of his life dedicating it to others, I cried because I just felt so empty and alone inside and I am so confused, I cried and cried and cried.

 

He kept calling me from the inside to come inside (he never once took his own keys to come look for me) he just kept calling and screaming and going on.

Him:       You will just get sick

Me:        I don’t care and nor should you

I don’t know how long I spent outside, but the time came to go back in

Him:       Help me look for rope to tie up my bag to the bike

Me:        I don’t know where the rope is

Him:       I used it the last time

Me:        Why did you not put it back where it is supposed to be?

Him:       I am taking your car; I am going to the garage to buy

 

So again – things just continued as if nothing just happened. Just forget right, just forget!!!

And within ours he left on his trip… now in hindsight – last year this time I did find evidence of his Hotel bookings, but I was never able to piece the puzzle together, I was so trusting and naïve. I found a photo on his phone, where he took the photo of the room, he obviously must have sent it to someone, and when I questioned him he said that he doesn’t know what that was for, he never saw it and it must have been sent to him. Even though I knew it were his fingers gripping the picture before he took the photo I just left it…? Boy oh Boy if only…

 

And basically I got ignored while he was out and about with the boys… Just a few messages here and there, and one quick call so he can rant about stuff, and then dead silence… until his return…

You say what? Another Confrontation?

Okay so still stuck in the month of September – basically 19 September

So things are still so weird, yes he said he doesn’t want the divorce and yes he get home earlier than before and yes he now travels with me once a week so we can talk a bit, but it is still not all good.

So the morning of the 19th he drove with me to work and the drive was not fun at all as we overslept a bit and had to rush to get to work, but when we eventually got there it turned out weird as he jumped out the car told me to take the wheel and go, so when I mentioned that hey this is weird he just turned around saying I am late, but then turned to the people waiting at the gate and could greet them and smile politely. Some days I just don’t know whether he thinks that is the norm in terms of treating me. For the rest of the day I didn’t hear a squeak from him. I sent messages to ask what time we will be travelling, but never even got any responses on that. So off I went to his office for us to travel out of town and arrived there at around 4:30………..

He was still sitting in his office busy, so I went and spoke to the ladies in the front (which you should know by now include lady 1) I spoke polity and talked to each of them in turn, never even missing a beat with her. I could see that she was uncomfortable but I just looked at her, asked how the kids and husband were and then carried on as I would normally even though inside of me a had a huge storm of emotions going, a whole lot of thoughts wanting to come out, and a whole lot of words ready on the tip of my tongue which I just to keep in.

 

After a while I realized that he was already getting ready to leave, and I rushed outside to get my stuff out my car which I wanted to take with on the ride, so on my way out, Lady 1 was busy with a customer on a portable phone and she walked behind me. I didn’t pay her any attention, as I figured that she was on a call with a customer that she might be on her way out somewhere, so I just kept walking. I retrieved my stuff out my car and as I was making my way back in, she was standing close by.

 

Lady 1: So, you said you wanted to talk before, When are we going to talk then

Me:        It doesn’t matter anymore; we don’t have to talk about anything

Lady 1:  We should talk

Me:        Like I said it doesn’t matter, we are getting a divorce, do you know that

Lady 1:  Yes, I never planned for that to happen; I didn’t want you two to divorce

Me:        Oh come on, what did you and Lady 2 expect would happen?

Lady 1:  (just stare at me)

Me:        Once the divorce is final, I’ll tell your husband and the husband for Lady 2 everything, so I hope you have told them. Do you even realize that all the money spent on jewellery, spend on perfumes, spent on flowers, spent on your hotel sessions and everything else, do you realise that the money also came from my accounts. Do you realize I paid as much for your hotel sessions as him…

 

…I turned and walked off… leaving her staring at my back

But when I got to his office, he obviously saw this (and believe me when I tell you, I was talking politely, not screaming not shouting at her, just talking), but he was fuming and like always I got the scream… Fuck I am so tired of this already, they run to him, I crap, they don’t like something, he calls me and I crap, they confront me and when I talk back, I crap… what more am I supposed to do, how much more am I supposed to take without losing my shit. So I closed the door behind me (even though it has glass panels so everyone can still see us) he let rip.

 

Him:       Not at my work, I told you not to do this at my work

Me:        I didn’t, she confronted me at the car

Him:       Bullshit, I saw your hands going as you were fighting with her

Me:        No, You don’t know me at all, I was merely talking to her (told him what I said)

Him:       That is why you aren’t welcome here anymore; I don’t want you here anymore

Me:        Fine, I will take it offsite with her and Lady 2 at some point

Him:       Just not at my work

Him:       I trusted you to come to my work and now this

 

So that is where it ended, we then went outside, got into his bakkie and drove off. The start of our approximate 6 hour round trip journey

And the screaming continues…

 

Him:       I trusted you, I trusted you to come to my work

Me:        It wasn’t me; I didn’t do anything I just wanted to get my stuff from the car

Him:       I trusted you!!!!

Me:        So blame me then, blame me for everything, blame me for everything you and them have done, everyone knows that you will always take their side, and that is why they will confront me while you aren’t watching and then be all smug because you will take it out on me.

Him:       You came to my work, you looked for this, why did you go outside (Screaming and shouting)

Me:        You know, if we don’t talk about these things it will never be resolved, you know, I don’t even know if I can trust you or anything you say at all

Me:        What you have just done to me, the screaming, the name calling, the shouting, do you know how that makes me feel. It is wrong on all levels, and they know you will come up for them and that I will bear the brunt. Why do you always come up for them? You never come up for me, you never support me, you always yell at me, and you know what, they know you will do that to me.

Me:        You bought them all these things, you know, being married to you for almost 20 years I never got anything like it, even though I was the one who supported you when you. I was the one who was there long late hours of the night, when we both had nothing, I was the one who worked hard and supported us when you weren’t earning much, then when you made the career change, I was the one supporting you, cheering you on, even driving you to the interview. I was the one who slept on the cold floors waiting for you to finish up, I always did everything for you, and you know what, I regret it all today… because it was so fucking easy for you to just cheat

Me:        Why did you have to go out and touch these woman and kiss, why did you start and affair in the first place, why couldn’t you have been committed

Him:       We were not happy (this is still something I need to figure out, because in my mind things were not bad in the marriage, but my version of happy and his is definitely different)

Him:       Look kissing the others, I was drunk

With the other 2 ladies, we were not happy, I was stupid, I never should have, and I fucked up

Me:        Why did you not stop the affairs?

Him:       I don’t know

Me:        Why don’t you just let the divorce go through, if we are unhappy, and you are so unhappy with me for so long that you have been in a relationship with others for 3 years, just go through with the divorce so we both can live our life.

Him:       I don’t feel ready for a divorce, I still love you

Me:        Are you just saying this, because I threatened to tell their husbands

Him:       No, we are all adults, all of us knew what we were getting into, and all of us will get our own karma, even for them. They knew the consequences of this

Me:        Did you ever feel guilty of doing this

Him:       In the beginning of the affair I did, after a while I didn’t anymore, it became the norm. When we worked together the day, we would go off together, and then go to our spouses

Him:       I am done talking about it, can we just travel and not talk about them please

And there I sat… knowing

I asked for a very cheap silver pendant one year (during his affair time which is much less than the flowers he bought) and I never got anything, he spent our communal money on them, but when I needed something there was never money for me, knowing that he just didn’t want to spent anything on me hurt… Knowing that he blamed me because he asked me to stop smoking and I said that I will do it on my own time (which I have done now), blaming me because when he arrived home at night I was listening to online audible books (but he sat at the television not wanting to talk to anyone), blaming me for not physically being there, and not being able to talk to me… (And this I still need to all work through for myself)

Look I know that he said that Lady 1 broke it of this year (in the beginning sometime) because she wants to focus on her family life and her husband, I now worked it out that the affair with lady 2 started almost 2 months after Lady 1 called it off (yes so quick) and in less than the 2 month talking they were both in the hotel… I can’t seem to think through how quickly things escalated from just talking to sleeping together, and when I have asked these questions he just says that it just happened, and that by itself just makes it all seem like the talked the 1st day and started sleeping together on the 2nd. Anyway… I just can’t think this whole scenario through, but I also know that I will never get the answers from him… I never wanted exact details, but I needed to understand how they both allowed themselves to grow so close and so quickly to end up sleeping together… but maybe this is something I will never understand, or maybe this could be something that I will unpack at a later stage of my life… Who knows?

 

I sit here and think of all the things he has said:

The fact that he just agreed to let Lady 1 go on with her life and that they could just be friends, the fact that he is disappointed in lady 2, because he thought she will have some backbone, the fact that he had all the time to run off to hotels and talk to them on which ever platform but can never do this for me, the fact that I will most probably feel unwanted and uncared for always and that he will never stand up for me, the fact that he told me to my face that Lady 1 have beautiful eyes but that she is not beautiful and lady 2 is a very beautiful lady…and all these thoughts just came and went and came and went, like waves in an ocean, and each though brought its own emotions and feelings

 

  • How much screaming can I take?
  • How much more can I take before I break?
  • Will it ever get better?
  • Will I ever feel better?
  • Will I ever be able to function the same again?
  • How do one more on from all this?
  • Is there more I just don’t know about yet?

 

Time will tell

 

Divorce?

So while all of this is going down (everything I have blogged about before), in between all of this (the chaos I call life) the settlement agreement was drawn up by my Attorney, after the initial meeting we had (I must be honest that it took a while to get that done, I don’t really understand why it took so long, but I know that if she did it more at a pace he was asking for it would all have been done and dusted and we would have been divorced very quick). They kept sending the document for review and we provided input and confirmed changed and so on, and the final document for review were then sent for signature (that day was a heart-breaking day for me, to review the final settlement knowing that everything both of you have worked for in your marriage has now been divided / shared and it’s over, I received the document my heart stopped, stuttered and stopped again.) It felt like everything I knew was gone, just the fact that everything was documented in so much detail was just so much of a confirmation that it is all done, it also felt so unreal. It sounds easy to divide everything, but the day I sat in the attorneys’ offices I felt like crying and when I got this document I still felt like crying. Yes I know it is earthly belongings but it was also something we both worked for, and in my case some of it I was prepared to give up to make this divorce just go much quicker and smoother.

Look I know that I have contacted the attorney, but hell what was I supposed to do (he also asked that I do, and he also pushes me in a corner at times when she took too long to do specific things), but was I supposed to just live a life of lies and deceit… I couldn’t. Up until now he keeps saying to me that I overreacted and I wanted to change things too quickly for him it was so easy to save his marriage but he seems to forget that it was not just emails and someone telling me about his affair, it was his affair, the lies to try and hide it, the hurt he caused, everything. Yes and I got myself off his medical aid onto my own; yes I did get both of us to see the attorney and yes the document were now ready for signature but that is what he asked for as well. I didn’t do this just because I woke up feeling like it. He might not have wanted to actually go through with it (but he asked for the divorce, and he didn’t think that the details around the affair would be confirmed and that he would have to confess), but he was the one that asked me on 27 July that we file for a divorce. I merely executed what I was asked for. So 7 September mark the day – they day feedback from his side and signature was due on the settlement agreement to the Attorney.

On that day (7 September 2018) I sent him one message: “Good morning, if I may ask one last thing of you please. Could you please let me know if there is anything you will be changing on the settlement agreement and just let me know before you send her the final response so I am not taken off guard, I will appreciate it”  regards

You see – the feedback was due a week before this, but he responded to the attorney that he was busy at work and it was month end and that he would give his final feedback on the 7th. So this is how the day became the deadline date. (To me he said he needs this time to sort things out in his own head, he needs to make a decision)

He never responded to my message. I also didn’t know whether he read it, but I knew that I would find out sooner or later what was in store.

The day was busy at work and before I realised the time it was already time to go home. So off I went, worried that I have missed the feedback leading into a weekend, feeling unsure and ill-at-ease, but you know you need to pick your head up focus and move forward right…. Right! And then my phone rang, and I could see the name on the car monitor, it was him. So my world stopped. I needed to know, but I also didn’t want to have this conversation while I am stuck in traffic, trying to fight my way home, but I took the call.

Him:       Where are you?

Me:        Driving home from work, why?

Him:       Are you close to my office?

Me:        Not really, but I can come there if you want me to?

Him:       Please can you, I will appreciate it I need to speak to you?

Me:        Sure, I am on my way

I got there at around 18:30, so Lady 1 and Lady 2 was already gone. Not that at this stage I really cared whether they were there or not. It was just another day, it was just another waiting game, I was waiting for more lies and deceit, I was waiting for more pain and hurt, I was just surviving from the one day to the other, I was just riding the emotional wave, going under and trying to kick my way back up. So it wouldn’t have changed anything if they were there except for me having to see them, but they weren’t. Would it have mattered to them anyway, does anyone feel any guilt? On my arrival, I parked the car, got out and walked in. I sat at his desk and just blankly stared towards the wall (not a great place to be at, especially knowing that most of the affair things happened here). He wasn’t in his office. So I waited, and he came in, I just kept staring. So he sat down and as per his usual way of doing things he started to work on his computer. So I just sat there, staring, saying nothing, feeling empty, but also feeling like I am wasting my time. I didn’t think that there is any more to say

Him: (and this is not his exact words) – look I have asked the attorney to give me the week in order for me to take the week, review the document and sign, but during this week so much has happened and I have really taken the time to think through what I want and need in my life. I have screwed up, I know I have, but I want to ask you to forgive me. I have not intended to cause you so much heartache and I have seen what this has done to you, please I do not want the divorce.

And then everything came tumbling out…

 

What do you think, you’ve read it to now, you have your opinion, share with me

Is this acting?

Back again… explaining more about the month of September…

Nothing serious happened during the beginning of the month, most of the crap was on the table, most of the scream and shout was out, most of the hurt and pain was out, well it was out in the open. It wasn’t easy, nor was it easy to be in the same house daily, at least he made it bearable as he spent most of his time away from the house in pubs or at work or wherever he was (not sure how he spent his time)

The one thing I come to realize (which was never a problem but now knowing what I know it became a problem) was that every time I go to his work, or any work function I will have a very good chance of walking into them (well Lady 1 mostly, Lady 2 only at work functions). Lady 1 I saw daily whenever I entered the building (Unless she was off sick or something) anyway moving on, so like you know Spring is here and he then decided in the beginning of the month that he would like to go fishing (it use to be one of our favorite things to do together until it became something he never wanted to do anymore), well the both of us should go fishing. Don’t get me wrong, I like the hobby and I love being at the dam and being in nature, but at this stage it was really awkward, the emotions are running high and we hardly have any words left for one another, but I went, nothing a little bit of sun, water and nature can’t fix right?

So off we went fishing, the day before I had to buy all the things that had to go with, while he was working with Lady 1 – it was her weekend on duty, and even though he did tell me this trying to share this bit of information it didn’t mean anything (It will always be in the back of my mind, I will always question and search). So I run around, I got what I had to get and went home, amazingly he was early (and again I say this and it is very sarcastic I know, but please do understand where I am coming from, and yes I never gave him the benefit of the doubt for this and he did come home earlier), well for the last couple of years he has left the house very early and came home late and when I asked about it, the answer was always that he has been busy, work is hectic, he has a lot to do, please don’t start again asking all this shit… well I asked but guess what, I never got the true answer (at least now I know so much more than then, and am in a position to assume / come up with my own answers).. Okay back to the fishing, so the Sunday morning off we went fishing. The weather was kind of okay, it started off being cold and only cleared up during the day, but all in all it was a very pleasant day. We didn’t talk a lot, and most of the time both of us just sat there staring at the water, or rigging the fishing gear, drinking and then eventually we made food and ate. While we were there, we went to have a drink at the bar at the dam which was not really big or very entertaining, but there were a couple of people there as well. When we walked in, we selected a table and chairs away from the actual bar area as there were already a couple of men seated at the bar. We got our drinks and sat down talking about bits and bobs, but nothing that really mattered. While we sat there, some of the males noted that I was not wearing my wedding ring and talked amongst themselves, they wanted the youngest one in the group to introduce himself to me, but he didn’t just want to walk up with my husband sitting there (not that he knew it was my husband), anyway, so they announced very loudly the names of each male seated and said to my husband that if he needed somthing one of them will be able to help as they are from that area, and when it got to this guy they made really sure I knew who he was and how I would be able to reach him (telling me the company name he owns). I just laughed it off, but I could see that my husband didn’t see the joke in it. So I immediately finished up my dink, paid and asked that we go back to the fishing spot. While we walked down he said that he is pissed about the comments and want to go pick a fight and sort them out. So  I just said they didn’t know I was married because I wasn’t wearing my wedding ring anymore, we walked back, packed up and went home…

Another Weird Discovery…

So the Monday started with a bang and during the working day he asked me for the pin code for the little safe we have (a very small little thing that we put some stuff in, nothing major) I gave it to him but honestly it is also something he should have remembered and I left it at that (you would think that something someone use for 20 years he would remember right?). That afternoon when I arrived home, it was really strange as he was there before me (He is never so early that he is home before me), but I didn’t make anything of it (except for saying wow you’re really early). I greeted him, unpacked my car after being at the shop for milk and bread and stuff and started with the daily routine stuff to get it out the way. Feed the animals and provide water, then go wash up and start with dinner. While I was doing all of this, I could see he has been searching for something in the house, so I asked him if he is looking for something. He then said that he believes the house is bugged. Honestly, here I just lost it, I started laughing a bit, and when I asked him why he said that all the emails and notes he has been receiving obviously was discussed in private, he knows it is not his office, so the only other possible place is the home (he searched but didn’t find anything) after the preparation and cooking we ate, cleared up and as per normal went to our separate rooms for the night… BUT

About 2 days later, I had this nagging feeling that something was wrong and I just couldn’t put my finger on it, I was still looking for my power bank and I was looking for some of my jewelry that kind of went missing / misplaced, anyway I know just the weekend before he asked me for the pin, I looked in the safe and I couldn’t find anything in there, but decided that it was worth the try again (and I must be honest at this point I really became paranoid. Could the house be bugged?) So off I go after I got dressed for work the morning, and punched in the code *error*, okay maybe I had it wrong, punch in the code again *error*, okay wait I am sure it is the right code I even have it written down, so again I try *error* Locked out for 5 min, Oh come on man, what the hell, okay walk up and down, getting irritated, waiting my 5 minutes. So again key in the code *error* okay wait, maybe I changed it to something else (Not that I remember but hey lately things have been hectic so maybe I forgot I changed it. So I tried a different combination, *error* and another, *error* and so it continued till I locked myself out for about 30 minute wait. So I called him:

Him:       Yes (I have no idea why he think it’s okay to answer a phone like this)

Me:        Hi there, tell me did you manage to get in the safe the other day (which I figured he did)

Him:       why (I don’t understand why he always answers a question with a question)

Me:        I am having a struggle and want to get in but for some reason it doesn’t acknowledge the pin

Him:       I don’t know

Me:        I can’t seem to find the key for it either (which I know where I have put it and it’s not there)

Him:       I don’t know

Me:        Did you change the code? (that would not make sense right?)

Him:       Why would I do that? (and here I actually believed him)

Me:        I don’t know, but honestly, did you change the code

Him:       No

Me:        Okay I can’t get into the safe, and I have logged myself out, now I have to sit and wait

Him:       Leave it and go to work

Me:        No – I have to get in there; I want to get to my stuff

Him:       Why are you so eager to get in there?

Me:        My stuff is in there, you don’t have anything in there but mine is

Him:       Just go to work, and sort that out later, I didn’t change it

Me:        Okay, well I am off to a locksmith; I am forcing this fucking thing open today.

Him:       Why (Why are you questioning it?)

Me:        Because you have nothing in there, I do, and I want to get inside

Him:       the code is ******

Me:        Why did you lie, I asked you if you changed it?

Him:       No you didn’t

Me:        I did, and you said you didn’t

Him:       Okay but I gave you the code, stop complaining now, and talk to you later I am busy

So I took down the code, went to work as I was already horribly late and when I got back home that night I went straight to the safe and keyed in the code, open the safe, and guess what I found… The power bank! The only place I know I would never have put it in, that is exactly where I found it. I also know I checked in there and it wasn’t there, so how did it get there?

So again the whole I don’t know where the power bank is story – I’m sorry I don’t buy it, but why on earth would he do this, why would he change the pin code, why would he lie, why would he take the power bank and when I ask about it why again would he lie and say he didn’t see it, why would he put it in the safe, why would he just do all these things… It didn’t make sense then and it still doesn’t. What is he expecting to happen, is there something behind this?

Is this by any chance normal?

And then it was…

Yeah and then it was September…

So as you would know, from my last blog post, I was officially blocked so I weren’t able to talk to him nor was I able to even see whether he was online to validate that he was still alive and kicking nor was I able to even communicate with him in the event where I had an emergency, and it felt like I have screwed this up, because if I didn’t become this online status stalker I wouldn’t have been blocked, if I didn’t become obsessed with wanting to know when he is online and offline then it all would have been fine, right?… Yeah right – that is what I told myself to rationalize everything and to let myself believe I was at fault here, that is what I was made to believe, it was sad but it was true… I have no idea why I even cared about his well-being at this stage why would I even care what happens, I was hurt, but I still cared, but I suppose that is just who I am, I will always care for others no matter how much they have hurt me in life. I will always try and be understanding even-though I am going through my own emotional turmoil… So yes I became an online stalker to see whether or not he was online as that was the only way to know if he was fine as he never talked to me, and that got me blocked, and then I told him in a fit of anger that I know he is online most of the day with her, and that got me blocked, so again, my own fault right?

So September didn’t really arrive with a big bang, and with September it is Spring in our country which means the temperatures are a little more warmer, we get some rainy days,  the trees blossom and everything just feels different and alive… But for me… Well it felt much more different, or is it just me (the person) who is different now? Did everything just change?

So how do I feel: At this stage I felt like some of the raging flames inside me has been put out to a low simmer – and I just couldn’t explain the feeling to anyone

I FELT LIKE:

  • A total zombie, with no emotions and no real validated feelings
  • I have lost total control of who I am and what is to become of me,
  • I had nothing left to give and what I have given before was never good enough
  • Everything I have believed a marriage should be has been a lie
  • Everything that was said to me over the years was lies
  • I had no more love and never received any love
  • I have offered a lifetime and all I got was a moment
  • I had a mind full of thoughts but I was unable to grab onto anything to think
  • I couldn’t focus or think of anything positive
  • I couldn’t move forward without any answers, answers which I knew it would be a struggle to get
  • I never understood what love was all about, how someone is suppose to love and what love really is
  • I wasted so many years of my life for someone who found it more interesting to sleep with others, then lies and deceive and betray and do what ever
  • I didn’t want to go on!
  • I felt like just giving up and die
  • All my feelings were gone!!! Was it gone? How can they just be gone, or was it just the silence before the storm

 

Can you relate to these feelings and emotions? What did you experience? How did you deal with the emotional and feelings during your healing stages after your discovery…

I have read so many articles and It is believed that we as a betrayed spouse go though mostly 4 stages to heal in this process, but I think we all go through these stages and we may go from one to the other or even go back a stage because of additional discovery of grief and so we move back and forth. Life is unfortunately not that clean cut that we go from 1-4 and never relapse.. Anyway, I will list the stages here in this post, because You will see my journey going forward and how it relates, but mostly I post it so I can also come back to this one day and see how life progressed.

  1. Discovery – or the Trauma stage
    • So it is believed that we as the Betrayed go through the feelings of shock and betrayal and we make a quick decision here to either fight or run for the hills, I suppose it is the whole fight or flight scenario
    • At least I know that this was the stage I was in right here in the beginning of September, and yes it makes sense because I just found out and had everything confirmed, but during this month you will also see the grief and anger stage come out and then because of more lies I find myself back in more discovery and trauma. It was such a mess and still is
    • After reading so much about the process of healing and what we endure during the process it makes more sense and I no longer feel abnormal – as they say that during this time because of the discovery we feel numb and that’s because of the shock of our discovery and then the sense of loss.
    • During this time I wanted to start and understand the underlying cause for the affairs, I wanted to know why he has done it to me, I wanted to know who he has done it with, I wanted to understand the time frames, I just wanted to know all the details, but let me tell you that it is really difficult to do, especially if you have a partner like mine. Even-though I knew that it would be hard to hear all the details and that it will expose so many flaws in our relationship and life that I might never have wanted to see, I knew that I needed to understand where and why it all started and ended, but unfortunately for me he was not that open to share information and kicked up a huge fight every-time I wanted to discuss anything relating to his affairs. (He did eventually share more, after the initial fights about the details, and it does look like it is becoming better but at this stage he wasn’t sharing as much)
    •  I have read that normally we (as betrayed) go through the feelings of shock and betrayal, and for them it is more feelings of guilt and remorse, but I really didn’t find that he showed any guilt or any remorse (and you will still see why). I just felt like he just wanted life to go on, he just wanted to live as if nothing changed as if nothing happened, but that is something I can’t do.
  2. Grief and Anger Stage- (So in the beginning of September I found that I was stuck in discovery and felt very sorry for myself because every time I managed to process the information for me to work through it, something else came out, or I discovered more and I am sure that now even while in October I will discover more. I felt like while I was still discovering more daily he he skipped everything that was suppose to go with his emotions as part of discovery and immediately went onto this stage where he become impatient, defensive and he was rationalizing everything, and kept on telling me to just get over myself. It was as if he just didn’t feel any remorse, that he doesn’t feel that anything is wrong, that he wasn’t in the wrong, and maybe that is true in his eyes, I didn’t see it the same
    • During this time we are suppose to work through our anger, the hurt of the betrayal, and we will then realize that the trust have been broken and we question whether the affairs are done or whether it will just start up again. We also tend to want to fix everything, control everything and then understand everything and sometimes our own pace and the pace of the next are different, which leaves us in a state or turmoil, and obviously I will still get to these stages in my journey and I think right now towards the end of September and now October I am here… Quick, yes I think so, but the anger is flaming, and the numbness is fading because I have come to realize that it happened and no matter what I do it can not change the past, that what happened is something that I am not able to change, that I need to
  3. Acceptance or Never Ending – So here you literally stand at a crossroad,
    • We all need to make the decision, will we accept that it happened in our life, and are we able to move forward from this, or will we be in limbo for the rest of our life
    • Will we turn toward accepting and forgiving our partner and be able to move forward with them,
    • Will we turn toward accepting and forgiving our partner and be able to move forward without them (Divorce) or
    • Will we turn towards the It will never end where we find ourselves in so much hurt / pain because we are unable to move forward, nor are we able to let go and we blame and shame and never be able to move past the affair.
      • So my understanding is that during this time we find it in ourselves to forgive, that some of us will also be willing to honor our commitments, and that like I said above, here we will be able to turn towards the road we wish to embark on
  4. Re-connection – Facing the issues and seek understanding and support
    • Now honestly, I can’t see myself in this stage, and I think it is all just to new, according so many articles and books it is believed that it takes approximately 2 / 3 years to reach this final stage, so maybe in 3 years time I will be able to give more feedback on this stage
      • They say that when we are able to reach this final stage and we have decided to take the accept and forgive road and we are able to more forward with our partner – that we will feel strength again, confidence in our relationship, we will feel loved again and we will feel like we will be able to do things together again (if any of you have reached this stage already – please leave a comment, tell me what your decision has been and how your life progressed)

I think I am going to publish this post as it is for now. I will rather post another with the run down of September because it was a very long emotional month for me, for some of the post I will be able to give a run down on some boring days and then there will even be a couple of days that I will have to publish on its own as I think that some of these days have more significance that others and those days I would like to keep separate, that will also allow for some feedback on them… so for now this is it

Over and out on this post!

Keep the likes coming – but I will also like some comments / feedback / sharing