Cry and cry some more

Time never stand still, Life Continues…

 

So calling him during the day – VERY BAD IDEA – Result – SCREAMING AND SHOUTING

I can’t call him for anything during the day, whenever I do, even if I need help, he picks up and then start shouting that he is busy… what do I want? And that, well that just shuts me up! He told me he is not getting to everything, he is busy, he needs to do a lot of stuff before he can go home and before he can leave on his trip. He kept on telling me that he can’t pick up the call he saw me calling but he is busy and so it just continues… (but now the question remains, you’re busy and I had to get some info, so no problem, but when I do ask you to call back you never do, so where is the problem?) and you’re so busy but you can run around and order and pay for food for people… oh come on, and you’re so busy that you can’t just listen for 5 seconds byt you can go sit in a salon for a shave… (am I expecting to much here?)

 

I’m pissed at this point, because no matter what I do or say, it always just ends up in a fight, and here we were at another crossing, he was on his way out of town and again he choice his hobby above his marriage (something he said he wanted to work on), but I guess my view on working on a marriage and his are totally different (just saying)

 

So from work I rushed home to make sure that he has everything he needs for his trip. I made sure the clothing is washed and ironed, that he has toiletries and all those kind of things. I even rushed to the shops to buy some meat and prepare something to eat before he arrived so he can focus on packing. (Why did I do this, Oh I actually regret every moment, as you’ll just see what a night it became?)

 

…Then he arrived…

 

While talking to one of the guys who will be going with on this trip, he stood looking over me while I finished up the last bit of things before we were ready to eat. After his call, I told him that we were ready to dish up food and eat, which will leave him with lots of time to pack. So both of us dished and sat at the table ready to eat. While sitting here I just could stop my mind from running over and over everything that happened and that have been said over the last couple of weeks / months. (How do you just switch everything off, how are you supposed to just forget anything ever happened, how are you supposed to just go back to normal. Nothing is Normal anymore; we will never be able to go back to how things were?). I think both of us felt a bit edgy, both of us didn’t really know how to deal with everything, and at times talking about things made the whole situation worse. So he mentioned that he spoke to Lady 1 today, they spoke about the wedding of a colleague which we are all invited too. He said that lady 1 told him that the wedding will be really weird and awkward now that I know of him and her, and apparently he said to her that it wouldn’t be weird, because he even told me that if he wants to dance with her he will. Yeah you read it, he didn’t ask me, he didn’t check if it would be okay, but he TOLD ME, and I suppose you guessed it already…

 

*I SNAPPED*

 

Why on this earth do you want to work on your marriage but still cling to someone your screwed, why would you want to hold her and dance with her while I sit there with her husband (who doesn’t know). Why could you not even respect me on a day like that after you f-up the memory I had of ours, and obviously he doesn’t see anything wrong with that scenario!!! So yet another massive argument about the fact that he will do whatever he wants to that day even if it involves her, and I just need to deal with it. (Is it just me or does he really not care at all, why does he even want to work on a marriage then, I will never be good enough, I will never mean anything to him, he will never respect me, he will never care for me, he will never care about how I feel)…

 

And that resulted in both of us just getting up from the table – leaving our food

 

At this stage he went to pack, but I still had so much on my mind, so I walked to where he was busy in the room, I walked in and kept talking but he became so angry it literally looked like he was about to hit me. So he turned around and told me to F-off.

 

Me:        do you know that even after all the hurt I love you and just wanted to talk

Him:       F-off

Him:       Stop threatening me, stop asking shit, I am tired of this shit, just F-off

Me:        I also had enough, enough of being played, enough of meaning nothing to you. I will leave, Me:               Right, I will f-off (I turned and walked away)

 

As I was walking away, I knew that I couldn’t take the car and go somewhere because I had something to drink and that he will be leaving in a couple of hours anyway, so I went outside. I went to the back of our property and I sat at the pool (I just had to get away, I just had to refocus, I just couldn’t hurt like this anymore, I just couldn’t take it anymore), but as I was walking out he was still calling and shouting. I just stayed outside, in the dark, listening to the fountain, and I started to cry. I cried for a long time, I cried for each missed opportunity, I cried because I didn’t know and I didn’t realize that he was doing this to me, I cried because I offered him everything and this was what I was getting, I cried because I knew again he picked her instead of caring about my feelings, I cried because I spent 24 years of my life dedicated to this person who was spending the last 8 years of his life dedicating it to others, I cried because I just felt so empty and alone inside and I am so confused, I cried and cried and cried.

 

He kept calling me from the inside to come inside (he never once took his own keys to come look for me) he just kept calling and screaming and going on.

Him:       You will just get sick

Me:        I don’t care and nor should you

I don’t know how long I spent outside, but the time came to go back in

Him:       Help me look for rope to tie up my bag to the bike

Me:        I don’t know where the rope is

Him:       I used it the last time

Me:        Why did you not put it back where it is supposed to be?

Him:       I am taking your car; I am going to the garage to buy

 

So again – things just continued as if nothing just happened. Just forget right, just forget!!!

And within ours he left on his trip… now in hindsight – last year this time I did find evidence of his Hotel bookings, but I was never able to piece the puzzle together, I was so trusting and naïve. I found a photo on his phone, where he took the photo of the room, he obviously must have sent it to someone, and when I questioned him he said that he doesn’t know what that was for, he never saw it and it must have been sent to him. Even though I knew it were his fingers gripping the picture before he took the photo I just left it…? Boy oh Boy if only…

 

And basically I got ignored while he was out and about with the boys… Just a few messages here and there, and one quick call so he can rant about stuff, and then dead silence… until his return…

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And then it was…

Yeah and then it was September…

So as you would know, from my last blog post, I was officially blocked so I weren’t able to talk to him nor was I able to even see whether he was online to validate that he was still alive and kicking nor was I able to even communicate with him in the event where I had an emergency, and it felt like I have screwed this up, because if I didn’t become this online status stalker I wouldn’t have been blocked, if I didn’t become obsessed with wanting to know when he is online and offline then it all would have been fine, right?… Yeah right – that is what I told myself to rationalize everything and to let myself believe I was at fault here, that is what I was made to believe, it was sad but it was true… I have no idea why I even cared about his well-being at this stage why would I even care what happens, I was hurt, but I still cared, but I suppose that is just who I am, I will always care for others no matter how much they have hurt me in life. I will always try and be understanding even-though I am going through my own emotional turmoil… So yes I became an online stalker to see whether or not he was online as that was the only way to know if he was fine as he never talked to me, and that got me blocked, and then I told him in a fit of anger that I know he is online most of the day with her, and that got me blocked, so again, my own fault right?

So September didn’t really arrive with a big bang, and with September it is Spring in our country which means the temperatures are a little more warmer, we get some rainy days,  the trees blossom and everything just feels different and alive… But for me… Well it felt much more different, or is it just me (the person) who is different now? Did everything just change?

So how do I feel: At this stage I felt like some of the raging flames inside me has been put out to a low simmer – and I just couldn’t explain the feeling to anyone

I FELT LIKE:

  • A total zombie, with no emotions and no real validated feelings
  • I have lost total control of who I am and what is to become of me,
  • I had nothing left to give and what I have given before was never good enough
  • Everything I have believed a marriage should be has been a lie
  • Everything that was said to me over the years was lies
  • I had no more love and never received any love
  • I have offered a lifetime and all I got was a moment
  • I had a mind full of thoughts but I was unable to grab onto anything to think
  • I couldn’t focus or think of anything positive
  • I couldn’t move forward without any answers, answers which I knew it would be a struggle to get
  • I never understood what love was all about, how someone is suppose to love and what love really is
  • I wasted so many years of my life for someone who found it more interesting to sleep with others, then lies and deceive and betray and do what ever
  • I didn’t want to go on!
  • I felt like just giving up and die
  • All my feelings were gone!!! Was it gone? How can they just be gone, or was it just the silence before the storm

 

Can you relate to these feelings and emotions? What did you experience? How did you deal with the emotional and feelings during your healing stages after your discovery…

I have read so many articles and It is believed that we as a betrayed spouse go though mostly 4 stages to heal in this process, but I think we all go through these stages and we may go from one to the other or even go back a stage because of additional discovery of grief and so we move back and forth. Life is unfortunately not that clean cut that we go from 1-4 and never relapse.. Anyway, I will list the stages here in this post, because You will see my journey going forward and how it relates, but mostly I post it so I can also come back to this one day and see how life progressed.

  1. Discovery – or the Trauma stage
    • So it is believed that we as the Betrayed go through the feelings of shock and betrayal and we make a quick decision here to either fight or run for the hills, I suppose it is the whole fight or flight scenario
    • At least I know that this was the stage I was in right here in the beginning of September, and yes it makes sense because I just found out and had everything confirmed, but during this month you will also see the grief and anger stage come out and then because of more lies I find myself back in more discovery and trauma. It was such a mess and still is
    • After reading so much about the process of healing and what we endure during the process it makes more sense and I no longer feel abnormal – as they say that during this time because of the discovery we feel numb and that’s because of the shock of our discovery and then the sense of loss.
    • During this time I wanted to start and understand the underlying cause for the affairs, I wanted to know why he has done it to me, I wanted to know who he has done it with, I wanted to understand the time frames, I just wanted to know all the details, but let me tell you that it is really difficult to do, especially if you have a partner like mine. Even-though I knew that it would be hard to hear all the details and that it will expose so many flaws in our relationship and life that I might never have wanted to see, I knew that I needed to understand where and why it all started and ended, but unfortunately for me he was not that open to share information and kicked up a huge fight every-time I wanted to discuss anything relating to his affairs. (He did eventually share more, after the initial fights about the details, and it does look like it is becoming better but at this stage he wasn’t sharing as much)
    •  I have read that normally we (as betrayed) go through the feelings of shock and betrayal, and for them it is more feelings of guilt and remorse, but I really didn’t find that he showed any guilt or any remorse (and you will still see why). I just felt like he just wanted life to go on, he just wanted to live as if nothing changed as if nothing happened, but that is something I can’t do.
  2. Grief and Anger Stage- (So in the beginning of September I found that I was stuck in discovery and felt very sorry for myself because every time I managed to process the information for me to work through it, something else came out, or I discovered more and I am sure that now even while in October I will discover more. I felt like while I was still discovering more daily he he skipped everything that was suppose to go with his emotions as part of discovery and immediately went onto this stage where he become impatient, defensive and he was rationalizing everything, and kept on telling me to just get over myself. It was as if he just didn’t feel any remorse, that he doesn’t feel that anything is wrong, that he wasn’t in the wrong, and maybe that is true in his eyes, I didn’t see it the same
    • During this time we are suppose to work through our anger, the hurt of the betrayal, and we will then realize that the trust have been broken and we question whether the affairs are done or whether it will just start up again. We also tend to want to fix everything, control everything and then understand everything and sometimes our own pace and the pace of the next are different, which leaves us in a state or turmoil, and obviously I will still get to these stages in my journey and I think right now towards the end of September and now October I am here… Quick, yes I think so, but the anger is flaming, and the numbness is fading because I have come to realize that it happened and no matter what I do it can not change the past, that what happened is something that I am not able to change, that I need to
  3. Acceptance or Never Ending – So here you literally stand at a crossroad,
    • We all need to make the decision, will we accept that it happened in our life, and are we able to move forward from this, or will we be in limbo for the rest of our life
    • Will we turn toward accepting and forgiving our partner and be able to move forward with them,
    • Will we turn toward accepting and forgiving our partner and be able to move forward without them (Divorce) or
    • Will we turn towards the It will never end where we find ourselves in so much hurt / pain because we are unable to move forward, nor are we able to let go and we blame and shame and never be able to move past the affair.
      • So my understanding is that during this time we find it in ourselves to forgive, that some of us will also be willing to honor our commitments, and that like I said above, here we will be able to turn towards the road we wish to embark on
  4. Re-connection – Facing the issues and seek understanding and support
    • Now honestly, I can’t see myself in this stage, and I think it is all just to new, according so many articles and books it is believed that it takes approximately 2 / 3 years to reach this final stage, so maybe in 3 years time I will be able to give more feedback on this stage
      • They say that when we are able to reach this final stage and we have decided to take the accept and forgive road and we are able to more forward with our partner – that we will feel strength again, confidence in our relationship, we will feel loved again and we will feel like we will be able to do things together again (if any of you have reached this stage already – please leave a comment, tell me what your decision has been and how your life progressed)

I think I am going to publish this post as it is for now. I will rather post another with the run down of September because it was a very long emotional month for me, for some of the post I will be able to give a run down on some boring days and then there will even be a couple of days that I will have to publish on its own as I think that some of these days have more significance that others and those days I would like to keep separate, that will also allow for some feedback on them… so for now this is it

Over and out on this post!

Keep the likes coming – but I will also like some comments / feedback / sharing

The Plot, the reveal, the more!

I have had a couple of ideas with regards to how I should reveal the rest of this plot, and I thought and I wrote and I deleted, but there is no better way as to do it this way… well not for me…

Before you continue – Pardon the language within some sections

Just remember that some of these discussions were simultaneous… and I tried to add as much as possible, but also had to remove some of the details and changed some of the words, and I’m sure some of it got a bit lost in translation, but I know you understand why… o and there might be a bit of my own comments and thoughts in brackets.

Continuing from so I lost the plot, Yeah I did, want to take a guess what I did?

I messaged her… Yes I did… I Messaged Lady 2 and here is how it went down…

 

  • 13:06 – Me: I just want to tell you I know. I know you fucked my husband! It is out
  • 13:08 – Lady: 2: I can’t believe that you would think that, I would never do something like that to you
  • 13:09 – Me: I look like an idiot but believe me I am not, he also confirmed it, he confessed it to me, are you saying he is lying?
  • 13:12 – Lady 2: He is talking shit (well that is a nicer word than what was used but lost in translation)
  • 13:14 – Me: Whatever, I even has the hotel booking sheet, and confirmed the date ( I couldn’t believe it was so easy to get these kind of things if you apply your mind to it) He confirmed that it happened on his birthday, and I even have photos of your boobs (the books is not necessarily taken that day but I just had to throw it in there). I also found the photo of your underwear which he sent to you (now the underwear is the same I found in his pocket, but then he took a pouting photo with the underwear which he sent to her – did I say not a clear cookie). I also have messages where you told him you loved him; I have it all so stop lying (and Yes everything about this whole thing says she will still lie). I must be honest, I don’t know the details for your husband but don’t you think he should know (Yes the bitter, sad, broken me is talking here right now)
  • 13:15 – Lady 2: Let him tell you with whom he has been in a relationship with for 2 year (and later on it becomes 3. Anyway she was confused how long, but its 3)
  • 13:15 – Me: You (and here I know it is not just her, but hey just for the hell of it)
  • 13:15 – Lady 2: Not at all (Oh no he just buy you  stuff and sleep with you in hotels)
  • 13:15 – Me: well if he is lying about it, it will cost you your marriage (Just letting you know, laughing at myself)
  • 13:19 – Lady 2: I know the both of you for so long, why would it happen now? (Yes that is true, so why the fuck don’t you tell me why now, because he sure as hell aren’t)
  • 13:21 – Me: Look he says it is you, he says he slept with you, so why lie

Then she tells me that everyone needs to meet because my husband would need to say this in front of her and her husband… interesting right… I wonder what she wanted from this anyway. Maybe she wanted my husband to panel beat hers, who knows, maybe she wanted him locked up, lol who knows… She also then tells me that she is no home wrecker, Oh Lady 2 whatever… I mean really, you’re not a home wrecker, so what about your own family, and what about your own 2 kids or do they not exist in your little dream world… I told her that I know they have been messaging one another every night about the whole night, I kept on telling her that he says they slept together on his birthday and that the hotel booking even confirmed this, but she kept denying it. Shame someone would do this, and then not have the backbone to confess when all the details are even confirmed. Did she realise how stupid she looked and does she realise that in my eyes she still looks stupid. I mean really, I have everything confirmed and proof of but you still deny… how stupid. I even told her to stop and think, think what you’re saying especially after I have told you what I know and have, but she kept going…

But then

  • 13:24 – Lady 2: Do you know that Lady 1 has been sleeping with your husband for 3 year (On boy, and you just had to throw her under the bus didn’t you, I like it) Are you aware that everyone here at the company knows about it and they have been caught before in the offices, do you know they have been called in before however not one of them wanted to acknowledge the relationship and both denied it (do they?)
  • 13:25 – Me: I don’t understand, why would he say it is you then? (Oh yes I was slow here – It took me a while to realize that she has thrown another lady under the bus to save her own skin)

Then she go on telling me that she needs to find time to discuss this with him, she doesn’t know why he would say it is her, I told her that the photos proofs otherwise, the photos shows her, photos of her breasts, and others… (I’m leaving those to the imagination) So again I said to her that I can’t believe that you would say it is her and impact her marriage like that if it wasn’t true, and again she told me that she doesn’t understand why he would do this to her and her marriage, but 2 seconds after the next message she came back telling me she talked to him, and that he is saying that he never confessed… Oh boy, Oh boy… and you will see a bit later the conversation between us

She goes ahead answering me on stuff I asked, so about her underwear, she comes out and tell me that it couldn’t be hers, because she doesn’t wear garments made for ladies, she wear men briefs, and I then sent her a whole bunch of the photo proof I had, to think that even with all that I sent her where you can clearly identify things she still denies everything (am I slow here) and of cause, she blames him then, she says that he is a real dick for saying that they slept together and she asked me if it would be okay for her to call me… (What, did I read that right??? What are you thinking? You want to call me, are you even more stupid) I just kept sending more and more proof until I ended it with Need I say more

Anyway… this conversation continued the next day, and I will come back to it, but here is the conversation between me and hubby

For some reason, during the conversation with Lady 2 (and I am saying for some reason because I didn’t diaries why…) he called

  • 14:21 – Me: Why are you calling me, I have tried to talk about this shit and you never wanted to
  • 14:23 – Me: Do you know Lady 2 told me about your affair, shame on you, both married. How do you think both their husbands will feel, did you even think of the kids
  • 14:45 – Him: When you feel like talking call
  • 15:04 – Me: Lady 1 and Lady 2 really, fuck man really? WHY???
  • 15:15 – Me: You go for every female at work, 3 years ago to the beginning of this year Lady 1. And now lady 2, I am done, I am over it, you lie, and lie, lie, and how many married ladies do you want to fuck? Don’t you have any respect for any marriage and then above it all you make me the liar, you told me that you are in a relationship with Lady 2 and then you turn around and tell her that I am lying, decide how you want to lie and to who you want to lie, you’re sick

And then the whole emotional game starts, He tells me that I have been sending messages to everyone (and here he is only referring to lady 2, but she becomes everyone) and that their HR and their big boss called him in, that I will be costing his job, that I now managed to get that right, I sent him a message back saying that I am not sending anything to anyone except to the one who wouldn’t go rat on them because she is as guilty and this is the response

  • 15:39 – Him: Get out of my life, Fuck out of my life; I am done with you, just get out
  • 15:39 – Me: So you fuck around and then blame me, right then
  • 15:40 – Him: Everyone knows now
  • 15:39 – Me: Who told them?
  • 15:39 – Him: Just leave me alone
  • 15:41 – Him: Sell everything; let me go, just do what you want I am tired

 

This is how Lady 2 Named and Shamed Lady 1 …

The next day

So the messages between me and my husband were far and few

Basically it started with him calling me and screaming and shouting because one of his ladies received something that he wasn’t happy about, some email that was sent, but this email was sent from an created account which was so easy to deceiver because all the details contained in the message, Lady 2 sent this to the husband of Lady 1, telling her husband he needs to think back…

So after the screaming on the call I sent him this:

Today I want to tell you only 1 thing, People who doesn’t know what a marriage should be and that now suddenly stress about their marriage, you make me sick. You blame everyone but will never take your own blame. I am tired, and through all the emails and turmoil I stood behind you and I just kept on asking that you tell me the truth so I rather hear it from you than from a stranger, but as always I was the last to know, I pulled the shortest straw, I will always be the one person who will be treated like a doormat, I am sorry, I am done playing these games, it was nice for all of you but now this is your fucking problem. Don’t call me about anything that has to do with you and their situation. I am no longer prepared to help.

It was such an emotional morning for me, and during the initial phone call I even threatened to commit suicide, I have seriously just reached my limits. I just couldn’t anymore, and the more I thought that I would be able to move on from the one thing to a better place, the more information just came out that pulled me down under. Through this all he was more concerned about who was behind the emails than to actually safe which could be. He just wanted to find out who was sending all the proof, who was sending emails and he wanted this person to take responsibility and get the person exposed, nowhere did he actually care about what this person was actually revealing, until it was too late. I told him on 29 August to be exact – that through this all he could even be honest and open with me, and even though he saw that the truth was leaking out bit by bit, he still didn’t open up, that it would have been a bit more easier to hear the truth from him and not through some stranger. I told him that I don’t understand why it even matters anymore who is sitting behind the emails because now it is all out; all that is still needed is for the entire story to be told so that everyone can get it over and done with. That their husbands will feel eventually what I have felt and that they will suffer the consequences of the actions of their own wifes as I have for my husband. That morning he told me that he wanted to work on our marriage and shortly after that he didn’t want to work on our marriage, and I still said to him that I just don’t understand him anymore.

That night I told him that I feel sorry for him, that based on the conversations I had with Lady 2 it is very clear that she will not admit anything, but that I feel that what she is doing to say such bad things about him, and the way she says it that I feel sorry for him,  I know that he may thought that she was a stronger person, and maybe she told him that she will stand behind him, but the total opposite happened, and I could see that when I told him this it did hurt him, he asked me that if I had to speak to her again, if I would ask her something: I said I will see, he said: Please tell her that even through all this and you that have badmouthed her, I always defended her, ask her why she is the one that say all of these bad things about me, why is she badmouthing me?

And the messages between me and Lady 2 continued…

I started off just asking if we can continue the conversation from the previous day to which she responded that it would be no problem to  talk (I’m guessing she did this as she still believe that she got away) Anyway… So I asked her that we needed to go back to the conversation of the previous day. I asked questions about when he saw Lady one – she didn’t know (but I know, they saw one another only one weekends when both were working) she told me that my husband declared his love for Lady 1 and that there are others that can confirm, because my husband apparently declared it to them, she told me about situations that happened and that they were called in and that the record were set straight, she told me that Lady 1 became more bossy and confident during this time and and and, so I replied, so it is all hearsay right? (Yes I believed it by now – I just wanted to test the water)

  • 08:39 – Lady 2: I take it he didn’t confirm that he had a relationship with Lady 1 not me right?
  • 08:39 – Lady 2: But he is talking shit about me, That is not true the liar
  • 08:39 – Me: He did say he had a relationship with her but it’s over long ago
  • 08:40 – Lady 2: he is busy now; as soon as he is done I’m going to tell him to confirm this with you
  • 08:40 – Me: And again I ask you why would he do this to you if it is not true

So she went on about she sent him a little heart message (that’s the message that was on the spycam) and that it was inappropriate, she even told her husband that. She just wanted to thank him for some work he did. So again I mention then how did her boobs appear on his phone, and she asked me why I would even think it is hers and when I told her that he told me she kept on telling me that she can’t wait to hear what he has to say about these lies, she works specific hours to accommodate for travelling to pick up her children she even gave me the times. Over and above the boobs photos, there were also photos of herself (face photos – so come on am I so stupid, really) S

So she tells me

  • 08:48 – Lady 2: I never leave the house without my husband and my children. Never (Oh Come on, we all leave the house sometime without our kids or husbands, so saying never oh come on, just really)
  • 08:48 – Lady 2: My day is just too busy to meet at places, I don’t have time for that, and I will talk to him (Yes, run quick, run because guess what he is not going to defend you)
  • 08:49 – Lady 2: I do not have time to drive around and meet up, so why do you say that (you don’t have the time, but you constantly went for lunch, you met him for lunch all over and even lied to your employer as to where you were, but right you don’t have time)
  • 08:50 – Me: Maybe because with you it only happened 1 time yet (or shall I say 1 time he told me about, and she still denies)
  • 08:51 – Lady 2: I am not that type of girl you know (Sorry but I have to snort laugh here)
  • 08:51 – Me: Maybe because with you it only happened 1 time yet. Do you know I have proof of the Hotel? Why if you were in a relationship don’t you admit it to me?
  • 08:55 – Lady 2: Because I am not in a relationship with your husband (Maybe just sleeping right)
  • 08:55 – Me: So you want to tell me you just jumped in bed with him
  • 08:55 – Lady 2: Is that what he says? (he says a lot, and you to but both lies)
  • 08:56 – Me: Oh Yes honey, he says that and I even have the proof of the Hotel (I gave her the name of the hotel that was booked to show her I know, but oh boy)
  • 08:56 – Lady 2: I really don’t know what to tell you anymore you will not believe me anyway
  • 08:57 – Me: Be Honest

So here I decided that I will do my husband the favor so I can get him the details he asked for:

  • 09:29 – Me: Why would he say he slept with you if that is not true
  • 09:29 – Lady 2: Because he is the biggest Dick under the sun, he destroyed my entire marriage. Because of him my marriage is fucked (So she still don’t see that it is because of him and her, why does she just blame him, I don’t understand her logic)
  • 09:32 – Me: but now you can have him right? So why not take him?
  • 09:32 – Lady 2: Not even if you pay me, he is not my type; I will not give up my family for him or anything
  • 09:33 – Me:  Wait – He is not your type??
  • 09:33 – Lady 2: I am not attracted to a man of a different race than me, we have cultural differences and I am not interested. I will not give up my family.

And then she kept on telling me that she would never give up her family, he kids are fair and that it is not necessarily the skin color but there is definitely cultural differences, I asked her then:

  • 09:35 – Me: So if you were or are in a relationship, why would you talk about him this way
  • 09:50 – Lady 2: Because he is definitely not the man I though he was, he showed me  that is is different to what he said he is (Oh come on really, do you think people say everything you don’t even but you expect that from others). The things he is doing right now makes me say that (Yes and what is he saying, for once he is owning up and telling the truth and now he is such a bad person). He walks around here at work looking like a sick puppy all sad as if someone stole his food (I can imagine this actually, I do think that this is because he thought you would stand behind him and he got a real wake up call.)

But …she ended the conversation telling me that she will not be blocking me on her phone and the chat applications but she will no longer talk to me (as if I care, you don’t come clean, you think I am stupid and I just had enough anyway). She tells me that she hopes I find peace, and that even if I send something she will no longer respond. (How is anyone suppose to find peace, find peach with your lies? Find peace with what? Will you find peace knowing I know and that I can talk anytime?) To which I ended telling her that she can block me if she wants, I have nothing more to lose, that I have enough proof and that she doesn’t have to validate anything, and the fact that she questions my intelligence by not admitting even when I shared so much with her that she could see was valid, she still lied. I told her that I told him that sooner or later I will be ready to share this with maybe their spouses. Maybe one day I will, maybe not, but let me tell you something, I would have been better if they hear it from their own partners. (thinking back I could have dealt with some stuff differently, I could have treated things differently, I could have not threatened her with telling her husband, but honestly i just felt, and I still feel like Karma didn’t get tot hem yet)

Look I must be honest, this wasn’t easy at all for me, and the days leading up to this and after this wasn’t either, but the more I read this, I realize that life goes on, not just for them but for me as well. I feel sorry for their families because I don’t think that they thought about any of the consequences to their marriages and kids before allowing this, but it is their problem now. It is also their problem as to how they will tell their husbands, and should it ever come out, may their husbands not feel the same pain as what I did, may they be more open and honest then.

He had to give the attorney an answer the end of this month, he didn’t, he also never spoke to me about anything he thought about or what he felt, the only things that kept on happening is that more and more of the crap leaked out and they never thought it would..

And that is the end of August…

Adding more to the mix

Continuing… let me add the rest of the information so it makes better sense…
Here we start on the month of August, and what a start it was, because as you would have noted in my previous post I mentioned that I started to note the online behavior between my husband and Lady 2 (Which he lied about), anyway… Well the 1st of August started with my Husband blocking me on the chat platform we used… Yeah, you read it, he blocked me, so I figured that this is the start to our end… and I made the call to the attorney and got the information about divorce and sent that off to him. We then visited the attorney a couple of day later and I must be honest and say that the process feels so awkward, I am not sure if this is the feeling for everyone, but I was sitting there, high on emotion, he sat there and just spew off everything he wanted and needed and wanted to keep, I agreed to some, disagreed to some and just wanted to make this process quick and easy. Lucky for me the attorney didn’t let me walk out of there giving up everything, but that was how I felt. I felt like my 20 years worth of life meant nothing, that 20 years worth of earthly belongings was all a lie. We collected lies, we didn’t make sweet memories, we didn’t have anything that wasn’t bought without deceit. I know that it is not all true, but please believe me when I tell you that this is how I felt when I sat there, and I felt the same when I left the offices. I just felt like I knew the person to whom I have been married to. It felt like i have collected and wanted to see us grow, but on the other hand, I have worked and collected and did these kind of things but it all got ripped from underneath me. In a blink of an eye the things I valued in our home and the things we had became objects that no longer matter, that I saw as objects that was obtained just for the sake of having to have it, and it all felt empty…….

During this month, he bought Lady 2 expensive perfume and he bought her lovely flowers which were delivered at their offices, but this time round he didn’t have any more money that the both of us saved up, it was all used and spent, so the credit card started to come out.

Again how did I find out, well a close friend of mine went to the same shopping center and called me, saying that she didn’t want to spoil the surprise but I will be getting some expensive perfume, she told me that I will get spoiled and that she wanted to smell it as soon as I get it, I got excited knowing that I will be getting something, but that something never came, however that same night he came home, he told me that someone visited their work who was selling perfume, he complained about how expensive perfume have become, and as I told him that nice perfumes are expensive he said that he would never spend that kind of money on it. He made me smell his arm where he tested the perfume and it was a real manly type of smell, but it didn’t smell that great. I told him that it was lovely, but that he should look for something little different, because there might be even better perfumes that will smell great on him. I asked if he bought anything and again he said no, but I knew he did, but I left it. A couple of days afterwards i confronted him, I told him that someone saw him buying perfume and I wanted to know for whom he bought it, he then told me that he bought himself perfume, that he didnt want to tell me because I would freak out because of the price, and again I left it. Then over month end, I went to his office, as we were sitting there spending some time talking, I remembered the perfume, so I asked him. I said hey, remember you told me that you bought yourself some perfume, I would love to smell it, can I smell it please, so he turned around and told me that he only had a sample, so I said wow a sample cost you so expensive I can’t believe it. He said that he didn’t say he bought anything, to which I reminded him that my friends saw him, and he then confirmed that he bought it for her… and the flowers, well he confessed about the flowers at a later stage but he did tell me that he bought her flowers, but I knew this already, and I knew this because of someone that works with him, who mentioned these lovely flowers being delivered to her and when they asked her about it, she mentioned that she didn’t know from whom they were, so the person kind of started to put 2 and 2 together, called me and mentioned it, maybe to see what I would say or do, but I didn’t say or do anything, when they told me she got the most lovely flowers I just said lucky girl, because guess what, she was lucky to get flowers.

But what else happend… Yes there is more… adding more to the mix

I started to look for things in our home, things just randomly disappeared or showed up at places where you would never expect them, and one of these little things was my power bank.  I was looking for it due to the fact that I was using it to charge my things at work, also because I knew that he would be using it for a trip he would be going on. I knew exactly where I would always store it and it was just not there, I started searching high and low, and was kind of freaked out because I couldn’t find it. So I asked him, but you see, after this I received another email which told me to stop looking because he has it, and when I asked him he just point blank told me he didn’t. I asked him to maybe check at work, and he came back on a message saying it must be at home, it felt like I was going crazy, it felt like I didn’t know what I was doing or where I was saving things, I just felt like my world kept becoming this slippery slope, and I was losing my footing.

and then… I lost the plot… and the lies becomes more and the plot thicken…

Want to know how I lost the plot, well I hope you come back to read, and like always your comments are welcome…

 

The Mess Explained (July)

I don’t even know where to start explaining this flip flop of a mess, nor do I know how to even try and explain it with the emotions that is running through me. I am sure with time I will heal, and I am sure with time i will feel different about things, but I know for now I need to share this, because Now I feel it and I don’t want anyone reading this to think that the road is easy because I paint the picture, well for me it’s not, maybe for someone else it is much easier.

So Here We Go:

July 2018 – I don’t want to put out exact dates, but the month is important. This is the Birth month of my husband. On his birthday I took him out for supper after a hard day of work… but… never did I know that I was the only one working, that he was spending his birthday in a hotel bed in the arms of another married woman (this I only found out later…), but the day after his birthday, small rocks were slowly but surely falling… and soon it became a mudslide…

The day after his birthday, the day was just a normal day, both of us went to work, both of us did what we normally did (well now I know things were not as I saw them) but we went off to work that is the point. Later during the day, I received an email, and email detailing that my husband is lying to me and that I should be asking him about his lover, with 2 photos, but you could clearly see that the photos were tampered with, but I took it at face value and I contacted him. Now this was the photo of the 2nd lady (If you read the previous post you will know it was only a 2 month thing) anyway, as usual he never answered his phone, so I decided to send him a message. All I said is that I wanted to sort something out with him about a email I received and the fact that he doesn’t pick up well I will be coming over to his work to sort the thing out as I want to know what is happening between him and lady 2. Almost immediately my phone started ringing, he kept on telling me that there is nothing, he kept on telling me to not come, but I did. I arrived at his work and he was already waiting outside, he asked me to show him the evidence and I said that I didn’t have it with me (which I didn’t) he showered me a photo that someone took of them (him and lady 2, well it was actually lady 1 that took the photo as they all work together) and I said that it was not the photo. I said that I want to speak to her to find out what was happening, that I want to know, he kept on telling me that there is nothing, that he is so busy working he doesn’t have time for other woman etc, and I believed it and left it at that, but the more we talked, he admitted that he was talking to a lady he met 3 months ago, it is just a friendship and he enjoy the way she is talking with him, i accepted the fact that he is talking with someone but in the days to come it became clear that it was lies.

So there were so many emails that I have received, he received and lover lady 2 received. Through this all he manipulated, lied, cheated and belittled, let me tell you, yeah you might think I am bitter today, but I am much better today writing this post than what I was during that month. Anyway the emails didn’t stop and with all these emails it made me more and more suspicious. There were emails telling me to ask him about ladies underwear I got in one of his pockets to which he had an excuse (which I believed), then an email to tell me about the hotel bookings (which I called and got the evidence for), then emails to to let me know about flowers bought, perfumes, jewelry and so this list just grew. Who the person is, I don’t know, I know that my husband tried so badly to find the person, and I must be honest I am grateful for this person, but the details hurt. I kept on saying that it is Lady 1 that is jealous on Lady 2, or Lady 2 that want him to get rid of me, but he kept defending it, so I suppose I will never know, but with everything bought, I was the fool, I have been saving and helping him monthly, and that money bought hotel days and all the other things, so you can just imagine how I felt when this came out, especially because for so many years, he never even bought me a flower on my birthday, or anything small like a chocolate, but this is what he has done for them… Yeah it was a kick to the ribs, but all of this is revealed over time, but I thought to put it out here so I can continue with the daily things, I am scared I might miss something, and even with all the mails i did receive, he didn’t admit anything, he kept on lying and digging the hole deeper, only later on will he admit, and you will see the journey to it

In the beginning of the month, we went to see a social worker (Will explain later in posts), 7 days later (after the emails I confirmed) he slept with Lady 2 in a hotel, and then 10 days later he came home to ask me for a divorce.

Forward – towards to end of July (10 days after the Hotel day)

He left for work that morning as usual, now I knew things have been a bit tight since the middle of July, with all the emails and stuff coming out tension was running high in our home. We never really talk a lot during the day, but he always goes to work very early and come home late, but this specific day he came home much earlier than usual. It was a great opportunity for us to talked about everything that is happening and he asked me for a divorce (I must be honest I was expecting it because all these little validations via email made life really hard on both of us), but he said that he just wants the divorce to clear up the emails he said, he doesn’t know what is up with the emails and who wants what out of this and that he is scared that it will cost our jobs, so we need to get a divorce to stop this and then we live together so we don’t have to give up anything that we have and that we will still be able to support one another, but in my heart and gut something felt so wrong, it felt like something was up but obviously I didn’t know what, so I agreed we can get the divorce. He said that we lost our spark, and that he has been feeling it since the beginning of the year, this was a eye opener for me, because I felt that he has become distant, and every time I asked he would just say it was because of stress at work.  But now looking back he mentioned this year, he never said since 2015 or maybe earlier, as things will reveal much more than just 2 ladies.

What was I going to do, He was all I know, this life was all I know, but now I am loosing it.

The next day, he went out with the boys, he asked me to join him via a message much later and I joined them when they were sitting at a pub much later that day as I already had commitments, when he saw me for the day, I was dressed a bit different than usual, he immediately got up in my face telling me that the other girls have a problem with it, honestly, if anyone knows me, if you have a problem with what i wear come talk to me, why would you tell my husband and not me, but I spent the night with them all, drinking and dancing to music we selected, but eventually he was standing in the corner on his mobile talking to the girl (the girl he told me that he was talking to for 3 months – the lie), I felt embarrassed, as the other girls around me asked what he was doing so I walked up to him knowing he was talking to her, I greeted everyone nicely and left, he didn’t even walk me out, he never even cared. I went home, and went to bed, he came home very late the next morning, drunk as can be, early he had to get up to go out, and when he returned he laid on the bed as he was tired, he was laying there browsing the internet for quotes and sayings while I was making food, and just as any other night at around 19:30 he started talking to this girl, but our next day I decided to put a camera in the lounge. Pfff I know this is sad, I know it is sly, but I had to get the answers and I knew he was lying and kept lying, so while he was talking to the girl he said he met I recorded him. During this time I asked multiple times if this was the lady he met and he kept on saying yes, however I could confirm that this is the lady he works with Lady 2 and that yet again he was lying, but I asked him if the talks are still platonic and friendship with the girl, he confirmed yes, however the video footage showed clearly how he is sending her I love you messages and she returns it. (keep in mind both of them are married). So as I am looking at this footage while making food, he then put down his phone on the table, so I asked: So did you tell her Goodnight and say you love her, to which he replied Are you Crazy??? So I asked him if I know the girl, again he says no (but I do know her from work outings), So I lost my cool, I told him about the video footage, I told him that I knew who she was (so he knows I know she is married with 2 kids, I even know her husband) So he told me that there is nothing wrong to tell another lady that you love her. Apparently he is saying that to many people, one even says that to your siblings he said. He calls everyone lovey and sweets and that he doesn’t know what my problem is, so that night at around midnight he goes to the bathroom, and as he is in there, I open the door to find him on his phone with her, I walked to my phone and started calling her, but of cause she wouldn’t pick-up the phone, but she went offline for the nigh. I asked him to show me the messages between them, but he refused. I said I have been looking at both of their online status and that I know it it Lady 2, he was furious, but hey how the hell was I suppose to feel… and that was my month of July…

This is closing off July, July in a nutshell…

let me know was your better, can I do anything better, You want to hear more, or less???  Feedback is always welcome

 

And so this all start

So far this journey has been very difficult, but believe me when I say, I am not a victim, I might have gone through life with a lot of things that happened to me, but I am strong and I know that I can survive, not just can survive I know that I will survive.

So if you want to follow my story, let me give you some insight as to what this will be all about, I am not new to blogging at all, but my other journey I am unable to link with this journey and soon you might understand why.

This will become a platform for me to get a number of feelings, emotions, and just thoughts off my chest. Why you may ask, so here is the why:

I have always believed that a marriage is 100%. You give it your all for the good for the bad, for the sad times, for the happy times, for everything, and when times get tough you go the your partner and you talk it out, you explain, you ask, you fight if you have to, but the last thing anyone of us expect in life is for our partners to not give it their all, but to give their all to someone else, while you are still the dedicated one.

So yes, My husband cheated on me for the last 3 (Confirmed) but 8 years of our 20 Year Marriage

People might have their own definitions of cheating and their own views on this and I do welcome and respect that, and if you comment on my post please do note that I will challenge these comments, but please let us all be respectful. I feel that it is cheating, because while I was playing the dedicated wife, I invested money, time, effort and all these kind of things into my marriage, my husband became distant, he invested money in other woman, time in other woman, effort in other woman and I got the fighting and the blaming, there are so many things that you will learn from my experience going forward and I ask that you share your opinions, and I will keep sharing mine.

So this is me… this is my story… this is my life…