Cupid, is this your fault?

Cupid

So this is a question that kind off is stuck in my head at the moment and it is all about Unrequited love!I am sure you know that Unrequited love – but in a nutshell it is love that is not openly reciprocated. Well the thing is, I don’t really know whether or not I might fall in this category. Let me start to explain:

A number of people have told me before that they believe that my husband has a hold on me, because no matter what he does, I always find a way to forgive him and a way to move on (with him), and for the last couple of weeks it is something that has been playing over and over and over in my head. Do I love him and does he not even return anything, do I love him and let him do this to me over and over again and I find a way to forgive him, but I don’t see that he doesn’t feel anything for me, Am I just blind to everything.

Well it took some time for me to think about it and to be really honest with myself. I still don’t really have the answer and I don’t think that thinking about this is any healthy for me at this stage but hey…

Look they say signs (that is when you look on the internet) of unrequited or one sided love is things like:

  • The fact that they can do nothing wrong in your eyes – and this is partially true, I know that he is doing wrong, but I have always found ways to forgive
  • There is little to no physical contact – again this is true, but he has never really been a person who is clingy, but maybe he was and I am looking past it and making up excuses
  • You are unnoticed, the one you love may not notice you at all – this is very true in my life, he hardly even notice any change, no hair change, mood change or anything unless I point it out, or he notice and doesn’t say anything
  • They don’t notice your absence – he can easily be without me the entire day, and even if I am there and leave the room he will only look for me when he needs something
  • You are ignored and always give more – he never speak to me not even on social media, and when I ask him to call me for whatever he sometimes does. Even if I send personal messages he will just answer with emoji…
  • Flirting with other people and not spending time with you – whenever he can he will always be with and around other people. It is almost as if he doesn’t need alone time with me.

 

And these are my thoughts:

  • Could it just be because of where we are in life
  • Could it be because of emotional baggage from the affairs
  • Could it really just be that we have drifted apart and that we are no longer compatible
  • Could it be that I am just expecting too much

What do you think – could it be that it has always been reciprocated love and that as why he had his affairs?

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Does Forgiveness Change The Future?

As most of you know, i do refer to the hussies that my husband were involved with Lady 1 and Lady 2, so yeah this is all about the 1

About a week ago, I was busy at his work cleaning up stuff on his computer, he was running around doing what he had to do and sorting out things, so I carried on archiving his emails etc, then I heard the class office door

*Click* – I looked up

AND THERE SHE WAS

She was working with him the day, she then decided to come into his office, but before i could say anything, she started tearing up and some tears run down her cheeks… (Was I suppose to feel anything here – if So I Didn’t)

She started by saying she is really sorry, she feels that she need to get this off her chest. She has been seeing me around and she wanted to talk to me before. She said again, I am sorry that this happened

She told me that she’s really sorry for what happened, she said that she need to sort out her life with God and that she realized she has beautiful children in her marriage. I asked her if her husband knows and whether she is saying this to keep my mouth shut, she said that he doesn’t know and that she hope that in time she will be able to tell him the truth. I told her that she please need to stop talking about her children, because she didn’t think of them when she started this whole thing, that they (My husband and Lady 1 and 2) used the children every time i confronted them, telling me I had to think of the children – why should I think of them but both of them never thought of their own children. She asked me to forgive her – I said to her that she is forgiven, I would not be able to forget, but she alone can ask God to forgive her sins and she alone can account for them. She told me that she doesn’t know why it happened but it did, she said that she is really sorry

What am I suppose to make of it, I don’t feel better, the apology that I hoped would have made me feel different didn’t do anything.

Again, I can only work on myself… I can not change anyone or the past, but I really hoped that this would have made me feel differently about things… it didn’t

Does forgiveness change the Future???

forgive

Hit Delete!!!

So here it is…

WHY DO PEOPLE FIND IT SO EASY TO REMOVE SOMEONE FROM THEIR LIFE?

I don’t seem to understand this, I find it really questionable. You see maybe it is just me, but when I become close with someone or when I allow someone close to me then surely that person means something, let alone if you allow for someone to share your bed, but why do people find it easy to switch off and move on, letting the person go, and never looking back?

Why is it so easy for friends to decide they no longer want to be part of your life, they make that choice and tomorrow they are gone. Why is it so easy for someone to cheat, be with their partner everyday and when it is out, they easily make the decision, they decide who they want and the other party get left behind, but before they were outed they couldn’t decide..

Today, I feel very alone (I know that I am not alone, I have plenty of people I can rely on), but I feel alone, some people have deserted me. People decided to no longer be part of my life, others decided that they will occasionally be there, others still talk to me daily and others have changed their life and it means that there is just no more room for more. I have been ill for a while (just flu) and I have been really emotional, been discovering more things about myself and have thrown myself into work to keep my mind occupied, but I don;t think it is working. I wish I had a little switch (like a light switch) so I can just switch off every thought and emotion, I just don’t want to feel right now.

 

mental-health-quote-hp-53-2-1

 

Just something, before the trip

I decided to add the little things the kind of in between things here as well, things that I noted and that I just want to add here, right now everything I have posted has been so kind of negative (and believe me i am not yet very positive) but there is things that doesn’t go unnoticed, but goes without recognition and words, and I try to add these things but a lot of times when I go back and read my post again, I realize that i didn’t say anything positive

Here is the rest of October

  • I have started to notice that after the wedding he started to wear his wedding ring again, and even-though he was wearing his biking ring on that finger for some time now, he moved that off – that obviously dint last long and he alternates between the two rings because the biking ring doesn’t fit on any other finger, so when he has biking events or meetings he wears the biking ring, any other time his wedding ring.
  • We had an opportunity where he spoke about Lady 2, he told me that he always thought that she had more backbone. It sounded like she told him that she is a real fighter and that even her busband is scared of her some times as she stands up to anyone. He told me that he was hurt because he asked her if the fact that he was white was a problem and she always said no that his skin color was never a problem and then when he saw the messages she sent me it hurt him. He said that he just can’t understand why she can’t even acknowledge that she had the affair, not to me nor to her husband, he always thought she had it in her to at least confess when the time came. He told me that both of them did agree that they will never give up their families for one another, she told him that she want happy in her marriage, and he told her that there is things lacking in ours.When I asked him then why didn’t he just leave me and she her husband that they could have been together and happy, because both of them were then not happy right, he just told me that he loves me (this just still makes no sense to me) – if you love someone so much you are not willing to give up the person, then why would you look for things outside your marriage (is it just me, or does this sound off?) He told me that the people at work started to notice that him and Lady 2 aren’t talking anymore and they have asked him why, but he just keep saying that they communicate on email whatever is needed at work. He said that she needs to come to him if she wants to talk, he will not go to her to talk, he called her many times and said they had to talk but never did, and now she needs to when she is ready he doesn’t care
  • I also noted that he is and Lady 1 is communicating on Whatsapp, sending jokes and clips etc, nothing personal but it is still there, I also noticed that she is calling him everyday at around 5, now that is the time she leaves, apparently it is routine for one of the reception ladies to do so, but it seems to be her daily, and he leaves the messages so I can see (so I should be satified right?)
  • For him, the relationship with Lady 1 has been over a long time ago, so when he says long I just want to yell and scream, because 5 months to him is long!!! anyway the relationships have ended with Lady 1 and Lady 2 all at the Date of discovery basically in my mind. So from that day on it seems like the affairs are done, but here is the thing, Lady 1 asked him to end it because she wanted to focus on her husband and kids and now that Lady 2 is out of the picture now what? Would Lady 1 come back for more, and will he accept again? 
  • Some days I just feel like, nothing I say means anything, nothing I ask gets the answer that is really required, Nothing is changing, I feel like he doesn’t care about my feelings, I feel like everything is about him and him alone
  • So he has biking the end of the month and because it is the end of the month the Friday he first has to do the reports so he will only leave the Saturday and then return the Sunday. Anyway the 3rd is my birthday, but I have no high hopes for this day as for the last 6 – 8 years it has never been special, it was never made special by him. He then said that he hopes by then his financial situation would be sorted so he can at least buy me something for my birthday now let me tell you this, he doesn’t have the fucking financial shit, all he has is the shit he bought them on his credit card, so yes, it literally is a message that says: Look you fool, if I don’t have the cash, you will get nothing again, and then the 5th of December would be the big 20 Anniversary, yeah *sigh* maybe I need to talk about this later, it is just making me depressed so moving on… on the 5th he has a biking year end, but apparently he told them he cant be there because it is his anniversary and his wife comes first, so they told him to bring me with but he said no he is not going to their event he needs to do something for me – but do you think anything will happen from his side? Well I don’t want to get my hope up for the 3rd or the 5th so all i am going to say is watch this space, I will let you know

and then we left for work… the time away was good, it had its moments, and we worked and had some time together as well, the time away felt like normal, like these things didn’t happen, we were able to talk and just be without all the anger and emotions bubbling up from my side, and on our return, everything was back to normal… well normal as in back to how it was before we left (I will post about where we were, it was peaceful, I felt at peace, and I need to put it on here too.

Through this all, I still feel as if:

  • Even though he did mention that we didn’t really talk in the past and that he enjoyed speaking to Lady 2 on Whatsapp and that he would like that communication, he doesn’t really talk to me, and if I should send him anything he replies with a emoji, or he ignores the message – and when I ask why he just says he is busy. He says that he had to work late because he spoke to her the whole day and now he comes home early so that should be sufficient right? 
  • He mentioned that it was easy for him to do all these things with the ladies because we never even called one another during the day really, and when I use to call he never picked up. Now he does, but there are times that he doesn’t (but here I suppose I also needs to be reasonable because he has customers and meetings)
  • Whenever I ask him who is working on a Saturday, it seems like Lady 1 is getting away with not working, I haven’t heard her name pop up in a while when I ask, but I do know during the week they obviously see one another and that she and the other ladies working in the front buys things to eat and he does for them too.
  • He has given me all his passwords of his phone and other login accounts and has his phone available, I never go in at all, but the once or twice he asked me to help out I noticed some messages and calls, nothing really major, and yet again I will wonder if it gets deleted
  • Oh yeah, and I descovered I was alergic so Sunflower seeds. Yeah had some seeds on my salad, and he had to rush me off to the doctor, what an experience, I had to get some injections a drip and then after an EKG discovered that my heart seems to beat uneven – more to follow on this in December as I would have to go see a Cardiologist to check it out…
  • He updates his statuses at random, some days it makes me feel like he is sending someone a message again like he did before D Day, and other days I can’t really put it together… the other day he had Bruno Mars on, the song Just the way you are, it was just suddenly and unexpectedly weird of him. Eventually I couldn’t hold back the question anymore and then when I asked for who it was he said for me (yeah that I should have known) it was what he use to answer me in the past as well, but when this happens it wakes up all kinds of doubt and wonder
  • October was also the month where we had to make the decision to either proceed with the divorce or continue, now let me tell you what happened, I don’t think that I was prepared for this, and I wasn’t aware of all these things, it would have been nice to know it all up front. So the Attorney gave us an amount for the divorce and sent us the invoice shortly after we saw her in July, then we agreed to the cost, because it would have been an amiable divorce it was a settled amount, which we agreed we had to pay an amount up front, both me and him and then the last just before our court date. This was all fine and agreed, so when she called in August and he told her to please put it all on a bit of a hold, she sent us her invoice again, and now there were even more cost, cost for phone calls she made to both me and him (which honestly I can’t see that I received that many) and each e-mail she had to read each document she had to review (this is like an ID document) and then the drafting of the settlement agreement, well the cost involved for this was double the amount that was in the initial invoice and when I questioned it, I was told to pay the amount. When I asked her that I would want to speak to her on call, as she wasn’t available when I called her, she didn’t even reply. So at the end of the day, after a couple of emails I got a little discount but had to pay the amount within 5 days. All still feels so unreal, everything feels awkward and it is still something that I need take a look at because surely there is a snake in the grass, but it cost me a lot of money!!! and it feels like I had to pay because of the decision to hold off the divorce, almost feels like she was wanting or waiting for us to fight and take this to higher court (which would have secured much more money in her pocket), but even while this was going on, I said to him, look we are going to pay for the divorce whether we like it or not, so we could just as well divorce and stay together like you proposed in the first place, but his answer now became a no. He didn’t want to divorce, that he thought about his life and that he loves me and wants to be with me
  • I also mentioned to him that I was blogging, now he didn’t seem to find it funny, I told him that I haven’t used there names or his at all, and he just looked at me, he didn’t ask me much about it, not did he comment. So maybe he isn’t phased about it or maybe he is, but don’t want me to catch on. Who knows, maybe they are all reading this LOL. (and just because the Ladies might be reading this, I just want them to know – I call you ladies here just because I don’t want to use your real name and just because I am still saving your husbands and children from the pain you have caused them, I call you ladies but you are no lady in my eyes, You’re cheap, trashy, desperate and don’t know how to keep your own family happy and them still sleep with another ladies husband – just go fix your own fucking life and close up those legs)

So there you have it for now… just a whole bunch of this and that, and poof the month was gone

27 September what a Nightmare

I am going to start this post and say, I am truly ashamed! I contemplated whether I should add a post about it but I figured that I should. Yes I am ashamed of how I reacted, yes I have a lot of guilt, but honestly I was heading down a slippery slope…

He woke up sick

During the morning, I wanted to give him a call in order for me to maybe book a doctor appointment for him, but he didn’t answer and didn’t respond on my message…

During later the afternoon, I called him again (I shouldn’t have) and when he answered he was so rude I immediately regretted it. He told me that he is busy, he is working, one of his people isn’t there and he now has to do the work, he can’t talk, he is feeling so sick but he will rather go to the clinic later, he doesn’t have time to go to the doctor, and will call when he leaves, and that is where the call ended.. Right then… why the F-k do I still call this man! I never seem to learn

 

He called me much later as he was leaving the office, talking about everything that happened; he was late as he had late meetings with the staff and his manager. He spoke about changes at work and how this will impact him and his staff, he spoke about how the fact that he is sick and he went to the clinic, he also asked me how my day was, and I gave him a short rundown of the day. I asked him if it would be okay with him if we can talk a bit about our feelings and if he could share a bit about the past in order for me to understand, but he lost his cool and threatened to put the phone down, so I just replied with

 

Me:        if you’re not prepared to talk about anything, then we need to just let one another go. Right now it doesn’t even feel like our relationship is going anywhere, we will never recover from this

Him:       Okay fine, we can talk a bit. I have to go

 

Later that night we spoke about his work, we updated his CV and I managed to ask a couple of questions, things that really stuck to the back of my mind. Why, well I don’t know but it seems to me I need the answer on these

 

Q1:         Why did you allow the 2 physical affairs?

Q2:         Why did you allow it all to go so far and not just ask for a divorce?

Q3:         How did you manage to come home and face me after you have just been with them?

 

And the answers to all the above – I DON’T KNOW

 

At this point it just feels like that is the escape answer. Whenever I don’t want to answer you, I say I don’t know, whenever I don’t want you to know I say, I don’t know… and it really gets the better of me. So at this point please also do note that I am taking some calming medicine.

 

I got up from where we were sitting, as I got more and more irritated with the “I don’t know” answers, and I asked him if I could warm some food up for him. He then replied and I started to dish, but I got a little distracted and my mind wondered off a bit, so I asked the same question again. Could I warm some food for him (while I asked this I realized that I was already busy dishing for him) but this time his answer was NO, He will do it himself – so I chucked the stuff back and went to sit again.

 

Me:        Why do you keep saying one thing, but you do the exact opposite

Him:       What are you talking about?

Me:        I’m talking about the fact that just now you agreed to talk and now you don’t

Him:       I don’t want to keep talking about these things; you keep asking the same things

Me:        Does your marriage mean so little to you

Him:       No, You know I love you

Me:        You said the spark was gone and you felt it in January, so how did it now come back

Him:       We can get the spark back if both of us work on it

Me:        Why do I mean so little to you, that you spent all our money on others but weren’t even prepared to give me anything, you didn’t want to spent anything on me (now this is still a bit uncomfortable because how am I supposed to work through this one. I also didn’t feel like a lot of things but I still had to do it. I still bought him what he asked and needed… Why, because he is my husband)

 

But again he got upset

 

He got up and went to work food up for himself, I asked him why did he look for something outside of our marriage if he doesn’t even know what he was looking for (well that’s what he kept saying right) and yet again by this time his was fuming and I could see that he was prepared to start hitting the cupboard, but unfortunately I couldn’t let go. Again I said I think that I should talk to Lady 1 and Lady 2, maybe see it from their point of view, maybe that could give me the answers he didn’t have, maybe that will help me work through my own healing, but the answer to this is always that I can but that I have to give it time, that I should calm down, and that he knows me and that he knows that if one of them would like openly or if they will deny things that I know is true that I will lose my cool and he is scared that I might hit them, he went on  and on about trying to keep them away from me, because he doesn’t trust me, because they might not want to be honest with me… and the more he spoke about it the more both of us got aggravated, the more both of us got irritated and I think that I am just at the point where I am ready to explode

 

I feel like I am not getting any answers, like he is still hiding something from me, that he is still protecting them, that nothing will ever change and that he will keep lying and cheating, that I am fighting a losing battle to try and understand anything…

 

I was standing at the microwave warming my food, I took my food out of the microwave and it was still cold (anger building – he carries on as if nothing is wrong), I put my food back into the microwave (anger building – he is talking about what he really wanted to eat), the timer goes off and I take my food out, now the food looks fine (anger building – he is still talking about how he didn’t want to eat what he just dished up), walked back to where he was sitting and when I took the first bite the food was still cold (anger building – he is still talking), walk back to the microwave open the door, put my food in, switch it on (losing my patience and knowing I should calm down) timer goes off  – he is still going on – open the microwave door, bang it close, hit the microwave, shake the microwave, microwave switch off automatically and the plugs switch trip (I think I just broke the microwave) take-out food, walk back to eat, food now overheated, I started Looked at him while he is going on about the fact that he asked me to make him something different to eat, but now he just had to eat that food because I didn’t listen… I lost it, I yelling and screaming answers at him and chucked the kitchen chair, the more I did this the more he aggravated me, I went to sit down to eat and he responded with such a snarky comment that I got so upset I threw my plate in the air and it dropped on the floor, walked to the bedroom, opened the door, slammed the door, opened the door, slammed the door, opened it again and I broke down crying (at his point I know already that my reaction is so wrong and I already felt so stupid for this, but how am I supposed to cope with everything. If he runs into trouble he runs to Lady 1 and Lady 2, I have no one… NO ONE! He walked in shortly after and told me that he is leaving; I told him that that would be in order, and that he needs to take his keys with, because I will be packing my things and will be leaving

But he stayed (why he stayed I don’t really know…

 

I cried – and he just stood there

I cried – and he never once tried to comfort me

 

Why did this have to happen to me, I have given this man everything I had and he truly hurt me so deeply? I don’t understand why he could have done this. Why were others so much more important to him than me, why was I who gave him all of my life worth nothing in his eyes? Why does he never comfort me, why could he never be truthful to me, why did he not just divorce me to sleep around? Why, why, why?

 

I went to bed – knowing that this outburst was one of the worst days ever, the worst experience and that it wasn’t healthy for me at all. I felt ashamed that I have screamed, yelled and shouted that I broke the microwave and that I messed food. I just had to close my eyes and forget. Even if it will only be for a short time period

 

He told me that he knows we can work things through; we will be able to work on us and get it sorted out. I just laid there crying silently till I fell asleep

Cry and cry some more

Time never stand still, Life Continues…

 

So calling him during the day – VERY BAD IDEA – Result – SCREAMING AND SHOUTING

I can’t call him for anything during the day, whenever I do, even if I need help, he picks up and then start shouting that he is busy… what do I want? And that, well that just shuts me up! He told me he is not getting to everything, he is busy, he needs to do a lot of stuff before he can go home and before he can leave on his trip. He kept on telling me that he can’t pick up the call he saw me calling but he is busy and so it just continues… (but now the question remains, you’re busy and I had to get some info, so no problem, but when I do ask you to call back you never do, so where is the problem?) and you’re so busy but you can run around and order and pay for food for people… oh come on, and you’re so busy that you can’t just listen for 5 seconds byt you can go sit in a salon for a shave… (am I expecting to much here?)

 

I’m pissed at this point, because no matter what I do or say, it always just ends up in a fight, and here we were at another crossing, he was on his way out of town and again he choice his hobby above his marriage (something he said he wanted to work on), but I guess my view on working on a marriage and his are totally different (just saying)

 

So from work I rushed home to make sure that he has everything he needs for his trip. I made sure the clothing is washed and ironed, that he has toiletries and all those kind of things. I even rushed to the shops to buy some meat and prepare something to eat before he arrived so he can focus on packing. (Why did I do this, Oh I actually regret every moment, as you’ll just see what a night it became?)

 

…Then he arrived…

 

While talking to one of the guys who will be going with on this trip, he stood looking over me while I finished up the last bit of things before we were ready to eat. After his call, I told him that we were ready to dish up food and eat, which will leave him with lots of time to pack. So both of us dished and sat at the table ready to eat. While sitting here I just could stop my mind from running over and over everything that happened and that have been said over the last couple of weeks / months. (How do you just switch everything off, how are you supposed to just forget anything ever happened, how are you supposed to just go back to normal. Nothing is Normal anymore; we will never be able to go back to how things were?). I think both of us felt a bit edgy, both of us didn’t really know how to deal with everything, and at times talking about things made the whole situation worse. So he mentioned that he spoke to Lady 1 today, they spoke about the wedding of a colleague which we are all invited too. He said that lady 1 told him that the wedding will be really weird and awkward now that I know of him and her, and apparently he said to her that it wouldn’t be weird, because he even told me that if he wants to dance with her he will. Yeah you read it, he didn’t ask me, he didn’t check if it would be okay, but he TOLD ME, and I suppose you guessed it already…

 

*I SNAPPED*

 

Why on this earth do you want to work on your marriage but still cling to someone your screwed, why would you want to hold her and dance with her while I sit there with her husband (who doesn’t know). Why could you not even respect me on a day like that after you f-up the memory I had of ours, and obviously he doesn’t see anything wrong with that scenario!!! So yet another massive argument about the fact that he will do whatever he wants to that day even if it involves her, and I just need to deal with it. (Is it just me or does he really not care at all, why does he even want to work on a marriage then, I will never be good enough, I will never mean anything to him, he will never respect me, he will never care for me, he will never care about how I feel)…

 

And that resulted in both of us just getting up from the table – leaving our food

 

At this stage he went to pack, but I still had so much on my mind, so I walked to where he was busy in the room, I walked in and kept talking but he became so angry it literally looked like he was about to hit me. So he turned around and told me to F-off.

 

Me:        do you know that even after all the hurt I love you and just wanted to talk

Him:       F-off

Him:       Stop threatening me, stop asking shit, I am tired of this shit, just F-off

Me:        I also had enough, enough of being played, enough of meaning nothing to you. I will leave, Me:               Right, I will f-off (I turned and walked away)

 

As I was walking away, I knew that I couldn’t take the car and go somewhere because I had something to drink and that he will be leaving in a couple of hours anyway, so I went outside. I went to the back of our property and I sat at the pool (I just had to get away, I just had to refocus, I just couldn’t hurt like this anymore, I just couldn’t take it anymore), but as I was walking out he was still calling and shouting. I just stayed outside, in the dark, listening to the fountain, and I started to cry. I cried for a long time, I cried for each missed opportunity, I cried because I didn’t know and I didn’t realize that he was doing this to me, I cried because I offered him everything and this was what I was getting, I cried because I knew again he picked her instead of caring about my feelings, I cried because I spent 24 years of my life dedicated to this person who was spending the last 8 years of his life dedicating it to others, I cried because I just felt so empty and alone inside and I am so confused, I cried and cried and cried.

 

He kept calling me from the inside to come inside (he never once took his own keys to come look for me) he just kept calling and screaming and going on.

Him:       You will just get sick

Me:        I don’t care and nor should you

I don’t know how long I spent outside, but the time came to go back in

Him:       Help me look for rope to tie up my bag to the bike

Me:        I don’t know where the rope is

Him:       I used it the last time

Me:        Why did you not put it back where it is supposed to be?

Him:       I am taking your car; I am going to the garage to buy

 

So again – things just continued as if nothing just happened. Just forget right, just forget!!!

And within ours he left on his trip… now in hindsight – last year this time I did find evidence of his Hotel bookings, but I was never able to piece the puzzle together, I was so trusting and naïve. I found a photo on his phone, where he took the photo of the room, he obviously must have sent it to someone, and when I questioned him he said that he doesn’t know what that was for, he never saw it and it must have been sent to him. Even though I knew it were his fingers gripping the picture before he took the photo I just left it…? Boy oh Boy if only…

 

And basically I got ignored while he was out and about with the boys… Just a few messages here and there, and one quick call so he can rant about stuff, and then dead silence… until his return…

You say what? Another Confrontation?

Okay so still stuck in the month of September – basically 19 September

So things are still so weird, yes he said he doesn’t want the divorce and yes he get home earlier than before and yes he now travels with me once a week so we can talk a bit, but it is still not all good.

So the morning of the 19th he drove with me to work and the drive was not fun at all as we overslept a bit and had to rush to get to work, but when we eventually got there it turned out weird as he jumped out the car told me to take the wheel and go, so when I mentioned that hey this is weird he just turned around saying I am late, but then turned to the people waiting at the gate and could greet them and smile politely. Some days I just don’t know whether he thinks that is the norm in terms of treating me. For the rest of the day I didn’t hear a squeak from him. I sent messages to ask what time we will be travelling, but never even got any responses on that. So off I went to his office for us to travel out of town and arrived there at around 4:30………..

He was still sitting in his office busy, so I went and spoke to the ladies in the front (which you should know by now include lady 1) I spoke polity and talked to each of them in turn, never even missing a beat with her. I could see that she was uncomfortable but I just looked at her, asked how the kids and husband were and then carried on as I would normally even though inside of me a had a huge storm of emotions going, a whole lot of thoughts wanting to come out, and a whole lot of words ready on the tip of my tongue which I just to keep in.

 

After a while I realized that he was already getting ready to leave, and I rushed outside to get my stuff out my car which I wanted to take with on the ride, so on my way out, Lady 1 was busy with a customer on a portable phone and she walked behind me. I didn’t pay her any attention, as I figured that she was on a call with a customer that she might be on her way out somewhere, so I just kept walking. I retrieved my stuff out my car and as I was making my way back in, she was standing close by.

 

Lady 1: So, you said you wanted to talk before, When are we going to talk then

Me:        It doesn’t matter anymore; we don’t have to talk about anything

Lady 1:  We should talk

Me:        Like I said it doesn’t matter, we are getting a divorce, do you know that

Lady 1:  Yes, I never planned for that to happen; I didn’t want you two to divorce

Me:        Oh come on, what did you and Lady 2 expect would happen?

Lady 1:  (just stare at me)

Me:        Once the divorce is final, I’ll tell your husband and the husband for Lady 2 everything, so I hope you have told them. Do you even realize that all the money spent on jewellery, spend on perfumes, spent on flowers, spent on your hotel sessions and everything else, do you realise that the money also came from my accounts. Do you realize I paid as much for your hotel sessions as him…

 

…I turned and walked off… leaving her staring at my back

But when I got to his office, he obviously saw this (and believe me when I tell you, I was talking politely, not screaming not shouting at her, just talking), but he was fuming and like always I got the scream… Fuck I am so tired of this already, they run to him, I crap, they don’t like something, he calls me and I crap, they confront me and when I talk back, I crap… what more am I supposed to do, how much more am I supposed to take without losing my shit. So I closed the door behind me (even though it has glass panels so everyone can still see us) he let rip.

 

Him:       Not at my work, I told you not to do this at my work

Me:        I didn’t, she confronted me at the car

Him:       Bullshit, I saw your hands going as you were fighting with her

Me:        No, You don’t know me at all, I was merely talking to her (told him what I said)

Him:       That is why you aren’t welcome here anymore; I don’t want you here anymore

Me:        Fine, I will take it offsite with her and Lady 2 at some point

Him:       Just not at my work

Him:       I trusted you to come to my work and now this

 

So that is where it ended, we then went outside, got into his bakkie and drove off. The start of our approximate 6 hour round trip journey

And the screaming continues…

 

Him:       I trusted you, I trusted you to come to my work

Me:        It wasn’t me; I didn’t do anything I just wanted to get my stuff from the car

Him:       I trusted you!!!!

Me:        So blame me then, blame me for everything, blame me for everything you and them have done, everyone knows that you will always take their side, and that is why they will confront me while you aren’t watching and then be all smug because you will take it out on me.

Him:       You came to my work, you looked for this, why did you go outside (Screaming and shouting)

Me:        You know, if we don’t talk about these things it will never be resolved, you know, I don’t even know if I can trust you or anything you say at all

Me:        What you have just done to me, the screaming, the name calling, the shouting, do you know how that makes me feel. It is wrong on all levels, and they know you will come up for them and that I will bear the brunt. Why do you always come up for them? You never come up for me, you never support me, you always yell at me, and you know what, they know you will do that to me.

Me:        You bought them all these things, you know, being married to you for almost 20 years I never got anything like it, even though I was the one who supported you when you. I was the one who was there long late hours of the night, when we both had nothing, I was the one who worked hard and supported us when you weren’t earning much, then when you made the career change, I was the one supporting you, cheering you on, even driving you to the interview. I was the one who slept on the cold floors waiting for you to finish up, I always did everything for you, and you know what, I regret it all today… because it was so fucking easy for you to just cheat

Me:        Why did you have to go out and touch these woman and kiss, why did you start and affair in the first place, why couldn’t you have been committed

Him:       We were not happy (this is still something I need to figure out, because in my mind things were not bad in the marriage, but my version of happy and his is definitely different)

Him:       Look kissing the others, I was drunk

With the other 2 ladies, we were not happy, I was stupid, I never should have, and I fucked up

Me:        Why did you not stop the affairs?

Him:       I don’t know

Me:        Why don’t you just let the divorce go through, if we are unhappy, and you are so unhappy with me for so long that you have been in a relationship with others for 3 years, just go through with the divorce so we both can live our life.

Him:       I don’t feel ready for a divorce, I still love you

Me:        Are you just saying this, because I threatened to tell their husbands

Him:       No, we are all adults, all of us knew what we were getting into, and all of us will get our own karma, even for them. They knew the consequences of this

Me:        Did you ever feel guilty of doing this

Him:       In the beginning of the affair I did, after a while I didn’t anymore, it became the norm. When we worked together the day, we would go off together, and then go to our spouses

Him:       I am done talking about it, can we just travel and not talk about them please

And there I sat… knowing

I asked for a very cheap silver pendant one year (during his affair time which is much less than the flowers he bought) and I never got anything, he spent our communal money on them, but when I needed something there was never money for me, knowing that he just didn’t want to spent anything on me hurt… Knowing that he blamed me because he asked me to stop smoking and I said that I will do it on my own time (which I have done now), blaming me because when he arrived home at night I was listening to online audible books (but he sat at the television not wanting to talk to anyone), blaming me for not physically being there, and not being able to talk to me… (And this I still need to all work through for myself)

Look I know that he said that Lady 1 broke it of this year (in the beginning sometime) because she wants to focus on her family life and her husband, I now worked it out that the affair with lady 2 started almost 2 months after Lady 1 called it off (yes so quick) and in less than the 2 month talking they were both in the hotel… I can’t seem to think through how quickly things escalated from just talking to sleeping together, and when I have asked these questions he just says that it just happened, and that by itself just makes it all seem like the talked the 1st day and started sleeping together on the 2nd. Anyway… I just can’t think this whole scenario through, but I also know that I will never get the answers from him… I never wanted exact details, but I needed to understand how they both allowed themselves to grow so close and so quickly to end up sleeping together… but maybe this is something I will never understand, or maybe this could be something that I will unpack at a later stage of my life… Who knows?

 

I sit here and think of all the things he has said:

The fact that he just agreed to let Lady 1 go on with her life and that they could just be friends, the fact that he is disappointed in lady 2, because he thought she will have some backbone, the fact that he had all the time to run off to hotels and talk to them on which ever platform but can never do this for me, the fact that I will most probably feel unwanted and uncared for always and that he will never stand up for me, the fact that he told me to my face that Lady 1 have beautiful eyes but that she is not beautiful and lady 2 is a very beautiful lady…and all these thoughts just came and went and came and went, like waves in an ocean, and each though brought its own emotions and feelings

 

  • How much screaming can I take?
  • How much more can I take before I break?
  • Will it ever get better?
  • Will I ever feel better?
  • Will I ever be able to function the same again?
  • How do one more on from all this?
  • Is there more I just don’t know about yet?

 

Time will tell