Cupid, is this your fault?

Cupid

So this is a question that kind off is stuck in my head at the moment and it is all about Unrequited love!I am sure you know that Unrequited love – but in a nutshell it is love that is not openly reciprocated. Well the thing is, I don’t really know whether or not I might fall in this category. Let me start to explain:

A number of people have told me before that they believe that my husband has a hold on me, because no matter what he does, I always find a way to forgive him and a way to move on (with him), and for the last couple of weeks it is something that has been playing over and over and over in my head. Do I love him and does he not even return anything, do I love him and let him do this to me over and over again and I find a way to forgive him, but I don’t see that he doesn’t feel anything for me, Am I just blind to everything.

Well it took some time for me to think about it and to be really honest with myself. I still don’t really have the answer and I don’t think that thinking about this is any healthy for me at this stage but hey…

Look they say signs (that is when you look on the internet) of unrequited or one sided love is things like:

  • The fact that they can do nothing wrong in your eyes – and this is partially true, I know that he is doing wrong, but I have always found ways to forgive
  • There is little to no physical contact – again this is true, but he has never really been a person who is clingy, but maybe he was and I am looking past it and making up excuses
  • You are unnoticed, the one you love may not notice you at all – this is very true in my life, he hardly even notice any change, no hair change, mood change or anything unless I point it out, or he notice and doesn’t say anything
  • They don’t notice your absence – he can easily be without me the entire day, and even if I am there and leave the room he will only look for me when he needs something
  • You are ignored and always give more – he never speak to me not even on social media, and when I ask him to call me for whatever he sometimes does. Even if I send personal messages he will just answer with emoji…
  • Flirting with other people and not spending time with you – whenever he can he will always be with and around other people. It is almost as if he doesn’t need alone time with me.

 

And these are my thoughts:

  • Could it just be because of where we are in life
  • Could it be because of emotional baggage from the affairs
  • Could it really just be that we have drifted apart and that we are no longer compatible
  • Could it be that I am just expecting too much

What do you think – could it be that it has always been reciprocated love and that as why he had his affairs?

Does Forgiveness Change The Future?

As most of you know, i do refer to the hussies that my husband were involved with Lady 1 and Lady 2, so yeah this is all about the 1

About a week ago, I was busy at his work cleaning up stuff on his computer, he was running around doing what he had to do and sorting out things, so I carried on archiving his emails etc, then I heard the class office door

*Click* – I looked up

AND THERE SHE WAS

She was working with him the day, she then decided to come into his office, but before i could say anything, she started tearing up and some tears run down her cheeks… (Was I suppose to feel anything here – if So I Didn’t)

She started by saying she is really sorry, she feels that she need to get this off her chest. She has been seeing me around and she wanted to talk to me before. She said again, I am sorry that this happened

She told me that she’s really sorry for what happened, she said that she need to sort out her life with God and that she realized she has beautiful children in her marriage. I asked her if her husband knows and whether she is saying this to keep my mouth shut, she said that he doesn’t know and that she hope that in time she will be able to tell him the truth. I told her that she please need to stop talking about her children, because she didn’t think of them when she started this whole thing, that they (My husband and Lady 1 and 2) used the children every time i confronted them, telling me I had to think of the children – why should I think of them but both of them never thought of their own children. She asked me to forgive her – I said to her that she is forgiven, I would not be able to forget, but she alone can ask God to forgive her sins and she alone can account for them. She told me that she doesn’t know why it happened but it did, she said that she is really sorry

What am I suppose to make of it, I don’t feel better, the apology that I hoped would have made me feel different didn’t do anything.

Again, I can only work on myself… I can not change anyone or the past, but I really hoped that this would have made me feel differently about things… it didn’t

Does forgiveness change the Future???

forgive

I am going to live

Regrets, we all have them! But again, it’s what we do with each one that’s most important, and when we allow regrets to keep our focal point on the past, we are setting ourselves up again for failure. This is something I have come to realize – but to realize this it had to take a very emotional filled day in my life, and that day for me was the past Sunday.

So what do I do Accept the Unchangeable and should I Change the Unacceptable? So here I am pondering about whether my husband feels the same way about the state of our marital union as I do, especially going into this year. I got confronted again with something from our past which reared its head, my husband was involved in his club and got promoted up the ranks and with it brought on new responsibilities for me in the past, I put my heart and soul into it as I enjoyed it, but little did I know I was putting in all the effort and working my bum off every day and every weekend and he was lounging around in hotels. So after it all collapsed the way it did (long story) he joined somewhere else and I didn’t get involved. I never thought that we would by any means go back to anything similar, but boy oh boy I was so wrong, so again last night he got promoted and while I should be really happy for him I am more skeptical and almost more nervous than ever. When you got home to tell me the news last night all I wanted to do is lay there and cry. It just feels like I am being punished again. Feels like I am living my life over, feels like it is all Deja-vu. Oh boy I just don’t know right now what to do or how to react. I am feeling a bit lost and at a loss for words. (But enough about that for now)

On the more positive side, I have managed to work on myself. I have come to realize that I will never be able to change him (But I shouldn’t even want to change him). I can pray for him, I can be supportive of him and that I already did and do. So I asked myself the question, so what now? I decided to go back and take a good deep look at myself. I am looking into the “me” who am I…

Here is the BIGGEST QUESTION OF ALL

WHO ARE YOU REALLY? And the answers I have right now is little, but I am going to work on this and as I go along I am going to share my discovery. Why? Just because I feel like sharing it and maybe just maybe someone could come across it and it can help or safe them.

Honestly – someone saved me from where I have been in the deep pits of darkness – 2 ladies have taken my hands and they have started to bring me closer to light. I have come to realize that I cannot just live for him, I am supposed to live for me too. So Cheers – this is to me taking the leap of faith – I AM GOING TO LIVE

focus

Hello, How are you today?

What an interesting question… How do we respond all depends on the space we’re in right. So how do you do it?

  • I am good thanks, and you?
  • I am Okay thank you, and you?
  • Not bad thanks and yourself?
  • Can’t complain thanks and you?

Well, it is the only way to respond to be friendly and polite when you are asked how you are right, why is it that one always try to be polite and to help and to be friendly but that is not how you feel, and to top it all of (I can only speak for myself right now) I immediately wonder what their intent are. Why would they want to know how I am, and if I respond with the real way I am feeling will they even be able to cope with it. What if I tell them that I am not fine, I am not doing well, what if I tell them life is not good, life is terrible, I don’t know how to cope from day to day will they run, will they snoop, will they be uncomfortable? Then I also think about how will me answering the question actually affect me? Will it change anything, will I feel better, will it change something for them…

Here are so many people who suddenly pop up, with whom I have not had a conversation in years and now they want to know how I am. I also received a message last week from someone I use to work with (Female) whom I have not had any contact with for 12 years and suddenly I get a message saying Hi, can we meet for coffee, I haven’t spoken to you in so long and would like to catch up. (Is this is a trick). I mean, what the hell.

Maybe I am just suspicious of everyone right now, maybe they have good intentions, but maybe not… who knows, and who knows right now what I should answer!

Hit Delete!!!

So here it is…

WHY DO PEOPLE FIND IT SO EASY TO REMOVE SOMEONE FROM THEIR LIFE?

I don’t seem to understand this, I find it really questionable. You see maybe it is just me, but when I become close with someone or when I allow someone close to me then surely that person means something, let alone if you allow for someone to share your bed, but why do people find it easy to switch off and move on, letting the person go, and never looking back?

Why is it so easy for friends to decide they no longer want to be part of your life, they make that choice and tomorrow they are gone. Why is it so easy for someone to cheat, be with their partner everyday and when it is out, they easily make the decision, they decide who they want and the other party get left behind, but before they were outed they couldn’t decide..

Today, I feel very alone (I know that I am not alone, I have plenty of people I can rely on), but I feel alone, some people have deserted me. People decided to no longer be part of my life, others decided that they will occasionally be there, others still talk to me daily and others have changed their life and it means that there is just no more room for more. I have been ill for a while (just flu) and I have been really emotional, been discovering more things about myself and have thrown myself into work to keep my mind occupied, but I don;t think it is working. I wish I had a little switch (like a light switch) so I can just switch off every thought and emotion, I just don’t want to feel right now.

 

mental-health-quote-hp-53-2-1

 

Just something, before the trip

I decided to add the little things the kind of in between things here as well, things that I noted and that I just want to add here, right now everything I have posted has been so kind of negative (and believe me i am not yet very positive) but there is things that doesn’t go unnoticed, but goes without recognition and words, and I try to add these things but a lot of times when I go back and read my post again, I realize that i didn’t say anything positive

Here is the rest of October

  • I have started to notice that after the wedding he started to wear his wedding ring again, and even-though he was wearing his biking ring on that finger for some time now, he moved that off – that obviously dint last long and he alternates between the two rings because the biking ring doesn’t fit on any other finger, so when he has biking events or meetings he wears the biking ring, any other time his wedding ring.
  • We had an opportunity where he spoke about Lady 2, he told me that he always thought that she had more backbone. It sounded like she told him that she is a real fighter and that even her busband is scared of her some times as she stands up to anyone. He told me that he was hurt because he asked her if the fact that he was white was a problem and she always said no that his skin color was never a problem and then when he saw the messages she sent me it hurt him. He said that he just can’t understand why she can’t even acknowledge that she had the affair, not to me nor to her husband, he always thought she had it in her to at least confess when the time came. He told me that both of them did agree that they will never give up their families for one another, she told him that she want happy in her marriage, and he told her that there is things lacking in ours.When I asked him then why didn’t he just leave me and she her husband that they could have been together and happy, because both of them were then not happy right, he just told me that he loves me (this just still makes no sense to me) – if you love someone so much you are not willing to give up the person, then why would you look for things outside your marriage (is it just me, or does this sound off?) He told me that the people at work started to notice that him and Lady 2 aren’t talking anymore and they have asked him why, but he just keep saying that they communicate on email whatever is needed at work. He said that she needs to come to him if she wants to talk, he will not go to her to talk, he called her many times and said they had to talk but never did, and now she needs to when she is ready he doesn’t care
  • I also noted that he is and Lady 1 is communicating on Whatsapp, sending jokes and clips etc, nothing personal but it is still there, I also noticed that she is calling him everyday at around 5, now that is the time she leaves, apparently it is routine for one of the reception ladies to do so, but it seems to be her daily, and he leaves the messages so I can see (so I should be satified right?)
  • For him, the relationship with Lady 1 has been over a long time ago, so when he says long I just want to yell and scream, because 5 months to him is long!!! anyway the relationships have ended with Lady 1 and Lady 2 all at the Date of discovery basically in my mind. So from that day on it seems like the affairs are done, but here is the thing, Lady 1 asked him to end it because she wanted to focus on her husband and kids and now that Lady 2 is out of the picture now what? Would Lady 1 come back for more, and will he accept again? 
  • Some days I just feel like, nothing I say means anything, nothing I ask gets the answer that is really required, Nothing is changing, I feel like he doesn’t care about my feelings, I feel like everything is about him and him alone
  • So he has biking the end of the month and because it is the end of the month the Friday he first has to do the reports so he will only leave the Saturday and then return the Sunday. Anyway the 3rd is my birthday, but I have no high hopes for this day as for the last 6 – 8 years it has never been special, it was never made special by him. He then said that he hopes by then his financial situation would be sorted so he can at least buy me something for my birthday now let me tell you this, he doesn’t have the fucking financial shit, all he has is the shit he bought them on his credit card, so yes, it literally is a message that says: Look you fool, if I don’t have the cash, you will get nothing again, and then the 5th of December would be the big 20 Anniversary, yeah *sigh* maybe I need to talk about this later, it is just making me depressed so moving on… on the 5th he has a biking year end, but apparently he told them he cant be there because it is his anniversary and his wife comes first, so they told him to bring me with but he said no he is not going to their event he needs to do something for me – but do you think anything will happen from his side? Well I don’t want to get my hope up for the 3rd or the 5th so all i am going to say is watch this space, I will let you know

and then we left for work… the time away was good, it had its moments, and we worked and had some time together as well, the time away felt like normal, like these things didn’t happen, we were able to talk and just be without all the anger and emotions bubbling up from my side, and on our return, everything was back to normal… well normal as in back to how it was before we left (I will post about where we were, it was peaceful, I felt at peace, and I need to put it on here too.

Through this all, I still feel as if:

  • Even though he did mention that we didn’t really talk in the past and that he enjoyed speaking to Lady 2 on Whatsapp and that he would like that communication, he doesn’t really talk to me, and if I should send him anything he replies with a emoji, or he ignores the message – and when I ask why he just says he is busy. He says that he had to work late because he spoke to her the whole day and now he comes home early so that should be sufficient right? 
  • He mentioned that it was easy for him to do all these things with the ladies because we never even called one another during the day really, and when I use to call he never picked up. Now he does, but there are times that he doesn’t (but here I suppose I also needs to be reasonable because he has customers and meetings)
  • Whenever I ask him who is working on a Saturday, it seems like Lady 1 is getting away with not working, I haven’t heard her name pop up in a while when I ask, but I do know during the week they obviously see one another and that she and the other ladies working in the front buys things to eat and he does for them too.
  • He has given me all his passwords of his phone and other login accounts and has his phone available, I never go in at all, but the once or twice he asked me to help out I noticed some messages and calls, nothing really major, and yet again I will wonder if it gets deleted
  • Oh yeah, and I descovered I was alergic so Sunflower seeds. Yeah had some seeds on my salad, and he had to rush me off to the doctor, what an experience, I had to get some injections a drip and then after an EKG discovered that my heart seems to beat uneven – more to follow on this in December as I would have to go see a Cardiologist to check it out…
  • He updates his statuses at random, some days it makes me feel like he is sending someone a message again like he did before D Day, and other days I can’t really put it together… the other day he had Bruno Mars on, the song Just the way you are, it was just suddenly and unexpectedly weird of him. Eventually I couldn’t hold back the question anymore and then when I asked for who it was he said for me (yeah that I should have known) it was what he use to answer me in the past as well, but when this happens it wakes up all kinds of doubt and wonder
  • October was also the month where we had to make the decision to either proceed with the divorce or continue, now let me tell you what happened, I don’t think that I was prepared for this, and I wasn’t aware of all these things, it would have been nice to know it all up front. So the Attorney gave us an amount for the divorce and sent us the invoice shortly after we saw her in July, then we agreed to the cost, because it would have been an amiable divorce it was a settled amount, which we agreed we had to pay an amount up front, both me and him and then the last just before our court date. This was all fine and agreed, so when she called in August and he told her to please put it all on a bit of a hold, she sent us her invoice again, and now there were even more cost, cost for phone calls she made to both me and him (which honestly I can’t see that I received that many) and each e-mail she had to read each document she had to review (this is like an ID document) and then the drafting of the settlement agreement, well the cost involved for this was double the amount that was in the initial invoice and when I questioned it, I was told to pay the amount. When I asked her that I would want to speak to her on call, as she wasn’t available when I called her, she didn’t even reply. So at the end of the day, after a couple of emails I got a little discount but had to pay the amount within 5 days. All still feels so unreal, everything feels awkward and it is still something that I need take a look at because surely there is a snake in the grass, but it cost me a lot of money!!! and it feels like I had to pay because of the decision to hold off the divorce, almost feels like she was wanting or waiting for us to fight and take this to higher court (which would have secured much more money in her pocket), but even while this was going on, I said to him, look we are going to pay for the divorce whether we like it or not, so we could just as well divorce and stay together like you proposed in the first place, but his answer now became a no. He didn’t want to divorce, that he thought about his life and that he loves me and wants to be with me
  • I also mentioned to him that I was blogging, now he didn’t seem to find it funny, I told him that I haven’t used there names or his at all, and he just looked at me, he didn’t ask me much about it, not did he comment. So maybe he isn’t phased about it or maybe he is, but don’t want me to catch on. Who knows, maybe they are all reading this LOL. (and just because the Ladies might be reading this, I just want them to know – I call you ladies here just because I don’t want to use your real name and just because I am still saving your husbands and children from the pain you have caused them, I call you ladies but you are no lady in my eyes, You’re cheap, trashy, desperate and don’t know how to keep your own family happy and them still sleep with another ladies husband – just go fix your own fucking life and close up those legs)

So there you have it for now… just a whole bunch of this and that, and poof the month was gone

Just another day

work-quote-sarcastic-quotes-karma-quotesgram

Why is it that one listen to things that people say and then you realize that you have heard the lies, the promises, the words so many times before, then you also come to realize that you have trusted the words, believed in, trusted it and took each word to heart. How many times have you had promises made, but broken, vows were made, but broken, love was given, then taken away and so the list can go on forever and we all find a way to stand up again from it all.

So here I am, sharing a song. I feel unwanted and doubtful today, and thoughts are running through my mind… Just knowing I’m not the only one, never will be, never have been. Just working through it all

I’m Not the Only One
You and me, we made a vow
For better or for worse
I can’t believe you let me down
But the proof is in the way it hurts
For months on end I’ve had my doubts
Denying every tear
I wish this would be over now
But I know that I still need you here
You say I’m crazy
‘Cause you don’t think I know what you’ve done
But when you call me baby
I know I’m not the only one
You’ve been so unavailable
Now sadly I know why
Your heart is unobtainable
Even though God knows you have mine
You say I’m crazy
‘Cause you don’t think I know what you’ve done
But when you call me baby
I know I’m not the only one
We all guilty of the same crime if you ask me
I might’ve had a couple women at the same time
She can’t handle the pressure, Jack Daniels for breakfast
A cap of valium mixed with antidepressants, precious
My momma said that we need love
Till I found out life’s a bitch with no prenup, you’re on your own
Divorces or court splits, decisions and choices
The Porsche or the fortress? Ignore it or forfeit
You say I’m crazy
‘Cause you don’t think I know what you’ve done
But when you call me baby
I know I’m not the only one
I know I’m not the only one
I know I’m not the only one
And I know, and I know, and I know, and I know, and I know, and I don’t know
I know I’m not the only one
Songwriters: Sam Smith / James Napier

27 September what a Nightmare

I am going to start this post and say, I am truly ashamed! I contemplated whether I should add a post about it but I figured that I should. Yes I am ashamed of how I reacted, yes I have a lot of guilt, but honestly I was heading down a slippery slope…

He woke up sick

During the morning, I wanted to give him a call in order for me to maybe book a doctor appointment for him, but he didn’t answer and didn’t respond on my message…

During later the afternoon, I called him again (I shouldn’t have) and when he answered he was so rude I immediately regretted it. He told me that he is busy, he is working, one of his people isn’t there and he now has to do the work, he can’t talk, he is feeling so sick but he will rather go to the clinic later, he doesn’t have time to go to the doctor, and will call when he leaves, and that is where the call ended.. Right then… why the F-k do I still call this man! I never seem to learn

 

He called me much later as he was leaving the office, talking about everything that happened; he was late as he had late meetings with the staff and his manager. He spoke about changes at work and how this will impact him and his staff, he spoke about how the fact that he is sick and he went to the clinic, he also asked me how my day was, and I gave him a short rundown of the day. I asked him if it would be okay with him if we can talk a bit about our feelings and if he could share a bit about the past in order for me to understand, but he lost his cool and threatened to put the phone down, so I just replied with

 

Me:        if you’re not prepared to talk about anything, then we need to just let one another go. Right now it doesn’t even feel like our relationship is going anywhere, we will never recover from this

Him:       Okay fine, we can talk a bit. I have to go

 

Later that night we spoke about his work, we updated his CV and I managed to ask a couple of questions, things that really stuck to the back of my mind. Why, well I don’t know but it seems to me I need the answer on these

 

Q1:         Why did you allow the 2 physical affairs?

Q2:         Why did you allow it all to go so far and not just ask for a divorce?

Q3:         How did you manage to come home and face me after you have just been with them?

 

And the answers to all the above – I DON’T KNOW

 

At this point it just feels like that is the escape answer. Whenever I don’t want to answer you, I say I don’t know, whenever I don’t want you to know I say, I don’t know… and it really gets the better of me. So at this point please also do note that I am taking some calming medicine.

 

I got up from where we were sitting, as I got more and more irritated with the “I don’t know” answers, and I asked him if I could warm some food up for him. He then replied and I started to dish, but I got a little distracted and my mind wondered off a bit, so I asked the same question again. Could I warm some food for him (while I asked this I realized that I was already busy dishing for him) but this time his answer was NO, He will do it himself – so I chucked the stuff back and went to sit again.

 

Me:        Why do you keep saying one thing, but you do the exact opposite

Him:       What are you talking about?

Me:        I’m talking about the fact that just now you agreed to talk and now you don’t

Him:       I don’t want to keep talking about these things; you keep asking the same things

Me:        Does your marriage mean so little to you

Him:       No, You know I love you

Me:        You said the spark was gone and you felt it in January, so how did it now come back

Him:       We can get the spark back if both of us work on it

Me:        Why do I mean so little to you, that you spent all our money on others but weren’t even prepared to give me anything, you didn’t want to spent anything on me (now this is still a bit uncomfortable because how am I supposed to work through this one. I also didn’t feel like a lot of things but I still had to do it. I still bought him what he asked and needed… Why, because he is my husband)

 

But again he got upset

 

He got up and went to work food up for himself, I asked him why did he look for something outside of our marriage if he doesn’t even know what he was looking for (well that’s what he kept saying right) and yet again by this time his was fuming and I could see that he was prepared to start hitting the cupboard, but unfortunately I couldn’t let go. Again I said I think that I should talk to Lady 1 and Lady 2, maybe see it from their point of view, maybe that could give me the answers he didn’t have, maybe that will help me work through my own healing, but the answer to this is always that I can but that I have to give it time, that I should calm down, and that he knows me and that he knows that if one of them would like openly or if they will deny things that I know is true that I will lose my cool and he is scared that I might hit them, he went on  and on about trying to keep them away from me, because he doesn’t trust me, because they might not want to be honest with me… and the more he spoke about it the more both of us got aggravated, the more both of us got irritated and I think that I am just at the point where I am ready to explode

 

I feel like I am not getting any answers, like he is still hiding something from me, that he is still protecting them, that nothing will ever change and that he will keep lying and cheating, that I am fighting a losing battle to try and understand anything…

 

I was standing at the microwave warming my food, I took my food out of the microwave and it was still cold (anger building – he carries on as if nothing is wrong), I put my food back into the microwave (anger building – he is talking about what he really wanted to eat), the timer goes off and I take my food out, now the food looks fine (anger building – he is still talking about how he didn’t want to eat what he just dished up), walked back to where he was sitting and when I took the first bite the food was still cold (anger building – he is still talking), walk back to the microwave open the door, put my food in, switch it on (losing my patience and knowing I should calm down) timer goes off  – he is still going on – open the microwave door, bang it close, hit the microwave, shake the microwave, microwave switch off automatically and the plugs switch trip (I think I just broke the microwave) take-out food, walk back to eat, food now overheated, I started Looked at him while he is going on about the fact that he asked me to make him something different to eat, but now he just had to eat that food because I didn’t listen… I lost it, I yelling and screaming answers at him and chucked the kitchen chair, the more I did this the more he aggravated me, I went to sit down to eat and he responded with such a snarky comment that I got so upset I threw my plate in the air and it dropped on the floor, walked to the bedroom, opened the door, slammed the door, opened the door, slammed the door, opened it again and I broke down crying (at his point I know already that my reaction is so wrong and I already felt so stupid for this, but how am I supposed to cope with everything. If he runs into trouble he runs to Lady 1 and Lady 2, I have no one… NO ONE! He walked in shortly after and told me that he is leaving; I told him that that would be in order, and that he needs to take his keys with, because I will be packing my things and will be leaving

But he stayed (why he stayed I don’t really know…

 

I cried – and he just stood there

I cried – and he never once tried to comfort me

 

Why did this have to happen to me, I have given this man everything I had and he truly hurt me so deeply? I don’t understand why he could have done this. Why were others so much more important to him than me, why was I who gave him all of my life worth nothing in his eyes? Why does he never comfort me, why could he never be truthful to me, why did he not just divorce me to sleep around? Why, why, why?

 

I went to bed – knowing that this outburst was one of the worst days ever, the worst experience and that it wasn’t healthy for me at all. I felt ashamed that I have screamed, yelled and shouted that I broke the microwave and that I messed food. I just had to close my eyes and forget. Even if it will only be for a short time period

 

He told me that he knows we can work things through; we will be able to work on us and get it sorted out. I just laid there crying silently till I fell asleep

Cry and cry some more

Time never stand still, Life Continues…

 

So calling him during the day – VERY BAD IDEA – Result – SCREAMING AND SHOUTING

I can’t call him for anything during the day, whenever I do, even if I need help, he picks up and then start shouting that he is busy… what do I want? And that, well that just shuts me up! He told me he is not getting to everything, he is busy, he needs to do a lot of stuff before he can go home and before he can leave on his trip. He kept on telling me that he can’t pick up the call he saw me calling but he is busy and so it just continues… (but now the question remains, you’re busy and I had to get some info, so no problem, but when I do ask you to call back you never do, so where is the problem?) and you’re so busy but you can run around and order and pay for food for people… oh come on, and you’re so busy that you can’t just listen for 5 seconds byt you can go sit in a salon for a shave… (am I expecting to much here?)

 

I’m pissed at this point, because no matter what I do or say, it always just ends up in a fight, and here we were at another crossing, he was on his way out of town and again he choice his hobby above his marriage (something he said he wanted to work on), but I guess my view on working on a marriage and his are totally different (just saying)

 

So from work I rushed home to make sure that he has everything he needs for his trip. I made sure the clothing is washed and ironed, that he has toiletries and all those kind of things. I even rushed to the shops to buy some meat and prepare something to eat before he arrived so he can focus on packing. (Why did I do this, Oh I actually regret every moment, as you’ll just see what a night it became?)

 

…Then he arrived…

 

While talking to one of the guys who will be going with on this trip, he stood looking over me while I finished up the last bit of things before we were ready to eat. After his call, I told him that we were ready to dish up food and eat, which will leave him with lots of time to pack. So both of us dished and sat at the table ready to eat. While sitting here I just could stop my mind from running over and over everything that happened and that have been said over the last couple of weeks / months. (How do you just switch everything off, how are you supposed to just forget anything ever happened, how are you supposed to just go back to normal. Nothing is Normal anymore; we will never be able to go back to how things were?). I think both of us felt a bit edgy, both of us didn’t really know how to deal with everything, and at times talking about things made the whole situation worse. So he mentioned that he spoke to Lady 1 today, they spoke about the wedding of a colleague which we are all invited too. He said that lady 1 told him that the wedding will be really weird and awkward now that I know of him and her, and apparently he said to her that it wouldn’t be weird, because he even told me that if he wants to dance with her he will. Yeah you read it, he didn’t ask me, he didn’t check if it would be okay, but he TOLD ME, and I suppose you guessed it already…

 

*I SNAPPED*

 

Why on this earth do you want to work on your marriage but still cling to someone your screwed, why would you want to hold her and dance with her while I sit there with her husband (who doesn’t know). Why could you not even respect me on a day like that after you f-up the memory I had of ours, and obviously he doesn’t see anything wrong with that scenario!!! So yet another massive argument about the fact that he will do whatever he wants to that day even if it involves her, and I just need to deal with it. (Is it just me or does he really not care at all, why does he even want to work on a marriage then, I will never be good enough, I will never mean anything to him, he will never respect me, he will never care for me, he will never care about how I feel)…

 

And that resulted in both of us just getting up from the table – leaving our food

 

At this stage he went to pack, but I still had so much on my mind, so I walked to where he was busy in the room, I walked in and kept talking but he became so angry it literally looked like he was about to hit me. So he turned around and told me to F-off.

 

Me:        do you know that even after all the hurt I love you and just wanted to talk

Him:       F-off

Him:       Stop threatening me, stop asking shit, I am tired of this shit, just F-off

Me:        I also had enough, enough of being played, enough of meaning nothing to you. I will leave, Me:               Right, I will f-off (I turned and walked away)

 

As I was walking away, I knew that I couldn’t take the car and go somewhere because I had something to drink and that he will be leaving in a couple of hours anyway, so I went outside. I went to the back of our property and I sat at the pool (I just had to get away, I just had to refocus, I just couldn’t hurt like this anymore, I just couldn’t take it anymore), but as I was walking out he was still calling and shouting. I just stayed outside, in the dark, listening to the fountain, and I started to cry. I cried for a long time, I cried for each missed opportunity, I cried because I didn’t know and I didn’t realize that he was doing this to me, I cried because I offered him everything and this was what I was getting, I cried because I knew again he picked her instead of caring about my feelings, I cried because I spent 24 years of my life dedicated to this person who was spending the last 8 years of his life dedicating it to others, I cried because I just felt so empty and alone inside and I am so confused, I cried and cried and cried.

 

He kept calling me from the inside to come inside (he never once took his own keys to come look for me) he just kept calling and screaming and going on.

Him:       You will just get sick

Me:        I don’t care and nor should you

I don’t know how long I spent outside, but the time came to go back in

Him:       Help me look for rope to tie up my bag to the bike

Me:        I don’t know where the rope is

Him:       I used it the last time

Me:        Why did you not put it back where it is supposed to be?

Him:       I am taking your car; I am going to the garage to buy

 

So again – things just continued as if nothing just happened. Just forget right, just forget!!!

And within ours he left on his trip… now in hindsight – last year this time I did find evidence of his Hotel bookings, but I was never able to piece the puzzle together, I was so trusting and naïve. I found a photo on his phone, where he took the photo of the room, he obviously must have sent it to someone, and when I questioned him he said that he doesn’t know what that was for, he never saw it and it must have been sent to him. Even though I knew it were his fingers gripping the picture before he took the photo I just left it…? Boy oh Boy if only…

 

And basically I got ignored while he was out and about with the boys… Just a few messages here and there, and one quick call so he can rant about stuff, and then dead silence… until his return…

Is this acting?

Back again… explaining more about the month of September…

Nothing serious happened during the beginning of the month, most of the crap was on the table, most of the scream and shout was out, most of the hurt and pain was out, well it was out in the open. It wasn’t easy, nor was it easy to be in the same house daily, at least he made it bearable as he spent most of his time away from the house in pubs or at work or wherever he was (not sure how he spent his time)

The one thing I come to realize (which was never a problem but now knowing what I know it became a problem) was that every time I go to his work, or any work function I will have a very good chance of walking into them (well Lady 1 mostly, Lady 2 only at work functions). Lady 1 I saw daily whenever I entered the building (Unless she was off sick or something) anyway moving on, so like you know Spring is here and he then decided in the beginning of the month that he would like to go fishing (it use to be one of our favorite things to do together until it became something he never wanted to do anymore), well the both of us should go fishing. Don’t get me wrong, I like the hobby and I love being at the dam and being in nature, but at this stage it was really awkward, the emotions are running high and we hardly have any words left for one another, but I went, nothing a little bit of sun, water and nature can’t fix right?

So off we went fishing, the day before I had to buy all the things that had to go with, while he was working with Lady 1 – it was her weekend on duty, and even though he did tell me this trying to share this bit of information it didn’t mean anything (It will always be in the back of my mind, I will always question and search). So I run around, I got what I had to get and went home, amazingly he was early (and again I say this and it is very sarcastic I know, but please do understand where I am coming from, and yes I never gave him the benefit of the doubt for this and he did come home earlier), well for the last couple of years he has left the house very early and came home late and when I asked about it, the answer was always that he has been busy, work is hectic, he has a lot to do, please don’t start again asking all this shit… well I asked but guess what, I never got the true answer (at least now I know so much more than then, and am in a position to assume / come up with my own answers).. Okay back to the fishing, so the Sunday morning off we went fishing. The weather was kind of okay, it started off being cold and only cleared up during the day, but all in all it was a very pleasant day. We didn’t talk a lot, and most of the time both of us just sat there staring at the water, or rigging the fishing gear, drinking and then eventually we made food and ate. While we were there, we went to have a drink at the bar at the dam which was not really big or very entertaining, but there were a couple of people there as well. When we walked in, we selected a table and chairs away from the actual bar area as there were already a couple of men seated at the bar. We got our drinks and sat down talking about bits and bobs, but nothing that really mattered. While we sat there, some of the males noted that I was not wearing my wedding ring and talked amongst themselves, they wanted the youngest one in the group to introduce himself to me, but he didn’t just want to walk up with my husband sitting there (not that he knew it was my husband), anyway, so they announced very loudly the names of each male seated and said to my husband that if he needed somthing one of them will be able to help as they are from that area, and when it got to this guy they made really sure I knew who he was and how I would be able to reach him (telling me the company name he owns). I just laughed it off, but I could see that my husband didn’t see the joke in it. So I immediately finished up my dink, paid and asked that we go back to the fishing spot. While we walked down he said that he is pissed about the comments and want to go pick a fight and sort them out. So  I just said they didn’t know I was married because I wasn’t wearing my wedding ring anymore, we walked back, packed up and went home…

Another Weird Discovery…

So the Monday started with a bang and during the working day he asked me for the pin code for the little safe we have (a very small little thing that we put some stuff in, nothing major) I gave it to him but honestly it is also something he should have remembered and I left it at that (you would think that something someone use for 20 years he would remember right?). That afternoon when I arrived home, it was really strange as he was there before me (He is never so early that he is home before me), but I didn’t make anything of it (except for saying wow you’re really early). I greeted him, unpacked my car after being at the shop for milk and bread and stuff and started with the daily routine stuff to get it out the way. Feed the animals and provide water, then go wash up and start with dinner. While I was doing all of this, I could see he has been searching for something in the house, so I asked him if he is looking for something. He then said that he believes the house is bugged. Honestly, here I just lost it, I started laughing a bit, and when I asked him why he said that all the emails and notes he has been receiving obviously was discussed in private, he knows it is not his office, so the only other possible place is the home (he searched but didn’t find anything) after the preparation and cooking we ate, cleared up and as per normal went to our separate rooms for the night… BUT

About 2 days later, I had this nagging feeling that something was wrong and I just couldn’t put my finger on it, I was still looking for my power bank and I was looking for some of my jewelry that kind of went missing / misplaced, anyway I know just the weekend before he asked me for the pin, I looked in the safe and I couldn’t find anything in there, but decided that it was worth the try again (and I must be honest at this point I really became paranoid. Could the house be bugged?) So off I go after I got dressed for work the morning, and punched in the code *error*, okay maybe I had it wrong, punch in the code again *error*, okay wait I am sure it is the right code I even have it written down, so again I try *error* Locked out for 5 min, Oh come on man, what the hell, okay walk up and down, getting irritated, waiting my 5 minutes. So again key in the code *error* okay wait, maybe I changed it to something else (Not that I remember but hey lately things have been hectic so maybe I forgot I changed it. So I tried a different combination, *error* and another, *error* and so it continued till I locked myself out for about 30 minute wait. So I called him:

Him:       Yes (I have no idea why he think it’s okay to answer a phone like this)

Me:        Hi there, tell me did you manage to get in the safe the other day (which I figured he did)

Him:       why (I don’t understand why he always answers a question with a question)

Me:        I am having a struggle and want to get in but for some reason it doesn’t acknowledge the pin

Him:       I don’t know

Me:        I can’t seem to find the key for it either (which I know where I have put it and it’s not there)

Him:       I don’t know

Me:        Did you change the code? (that would not make sense right?)

Him:       Why would I do that? (and here I actually believed him)

Me:        I don’t know, but honestly, did you change the code

Him:       No

Me:        Okay I can’t get into the safe, and I have logged myself out, now I have to sit and wait

Him:       Leave it and go to work

Me:        No – I have to get in there; I want to get to my stuff

Him:       Why are you so eager to get in there?

Me:        My stuff is in there, you don’t have anything in there but mine is

Him:       Just go to work, and sort that out later, I didn’t change it

Me:        Okay, well I am off to a locksmith; I am forcing this fucking thing open today.

Him:       Why (Why are you questioning it?)

Me:        Because you have nothing in there, I do, and I want to get inside

Him:       the code is ******

Me:        Why did you lie, I asked you if you changed it?

Him:       No you didn’t

Me:        I did, and you said you didn’t

Him:       Okay but I gave you the code, stop complaining now, and talk to you later I am busy

So I took down the code, went to work as I was already horribly late and when I got back home that night I went straight to the safe and keyed in the code, open the safe, and guess what I found… The power bank! The only place I know I would never have put it in, that is exactly where I found it. I also know I checked in there and it wasn’t there, so how did it get there?

So again the whole I don’t know where the power bank is story – I’m sorry I don’t buy it, but why on earth would he do this, why would he change the pin code, why would he lie, why would he take the power bank and when I ask about it why again would he lie and say he didn’t see it, why would he put it in the safe, why would he just do all these things… It didn’t make sense then and it still doesn’t. What is he expecting to happen, is there something behind this?

Is this by any chance normal?