27 September what a Nightmare

I am going to start this post and say, I am truly ashamed! I contemplated whether I should add a post about it but I figured that I should. Yes I am ashamed of how I reacted, yes I have a lot of guilt, but honestly I was heading down a slippery slope…

He woke up sick

During the morning, I wanted to give him a call in order for me to maybe book a doctor appointment for him, but he didn’t answer and didn’t respond on my message…

During later the afternoon, I called him again (I shouldn’t have) and when he answered he was so rude I immediately regretted it. He told me that he is busy, he is working, one of his people isn’t there and he now has to do the work, he can’t talk, he is feeling so sick but he will rather go to the clinic later, he doesn’t have time to go to the doctor, and will call when he leaves, and that is where the call ended.. Right then… why the F-k do I still call this man! I never seem to learn

 

He called me much later as he was leaving the office, talking about everything that happened; he was late as he had late meetings with the staff and his manager. He spoke about changes at work and how this will impact him and his staff, he spoke about how the fact that he is sick and he went to the clinic, he also asked me how my day was, and I gave him a short rundown of the day. I asked him if it would be okay with him if we can talk a bit about our feelings and if he could share a bit about the past in order for me to understand, but he lost his cool and threatened to put the phone down, so I just replied with

 

Me:        if you’re not prepared to talk about anything, then we need to just let one another go. Right now it doesn’t even feel like our relationship is going anywhere, we will never recover from this

Him:       Okay fine, we can talk a bit. I have to go

 

Later that night we spoke about his work, we updated his CV and I managed to ask a couple of questions, things that really stuck to the back of my mind. Why, well I don’t know but it seems to me I need the answer on these

 

Q1:         Why did you allow the 2 physical affairs?

Q2:         Why did you allow it all to go so far and not just ask for a divorce?

Q3:         How did you manage to come home and face me after you have just been with them?

 

And the answers to all the above – I DON’T KNOW

 

At this point it just feels like that is the escape answer. Whenever I don’t want to answer you, I say I don’t know, whenever I don’t want you to know I say, I don’t know… and it really gets the better of me. So at this point please also do note that I am taking some calming medicine.

 

I got up from where we were sitting, as I got more and more irritated with the “I don’t know” answers, and I asked him if I could warm some food up for him. He then replied and I started to dish, but I got a little distracted and my mind wondered off a bit, so I asked the same question again. Could I warm some food for him (while I asked this I realized that I was already busy dishing for him) but this time his answer was NO, He will do it himself – so I chucked the stuff back and went to sit again.

 

Me:        Why do you keep saying one thing, but you do the exact opposite

Him:       What are you talking about?

Me:        I’m talking about the fact that just now you agreed to talk and now you don’t

Him:       I don’t want to keep talking about these things; you keep asking the same things

Me:        Does your marriage mean so little to you

Him:       No, You know I love you

Me:        You said the spark was gone and you felt it in January, so how did it now come back

Him:       We can get the spark back if both of us work on it

Me:        Why do I mean so little to you, that you spent all our money on others but weren’t even prepared to give me anything, you didn’t want to spent anything on me (now this is still a bit uncomfortable because how am I supposed to work through this one. I also didn’t feel like a lot of things but I still had to do it. I still bought him what he asked and needed… Why, because he is my husband)

 

But again he got upset

 

He got up and went to work food up for himself, I asked him why did he look for something outside of our marriage if he doesn’t even know what he was looking for (well that’s what he kept saying right) and yet again by this time his was fuming and I could see that he was prepared to start hitting the cupboard, but unfortunately I couldn’t let go. Again I said I think that I should talk to Lady 1 and Lady 2, maybe see it from their point of view, maybe that could give me the answers he didn’t have, maybe that will help me work through my own healing, but the answer to this is always that I can but that I have to give it time, that I should calm down, and that he knows me and that he knows that if one of them would like openly or if they will deny things that I know is true that I will lose my cool and he is scared that I might hit them, he went on  and on about trying to keep them away from me, because he doesn’t trust me, because they might not want to be honest with me… and the more he spoke about it the more both of us got aggravated, the more both of us got irritated and I think that I am just at the point where I am ready to explode

 

I feel like I am not getting any answers, like he is still hiding something from me, that he is still protecting them, that nothing will ever change and that he will keep lying and cheating, that I am fighting a losing battle to try and understand anything…

 

I was standing at the microwave warming my food, I took my food out of the microwave and it was still cold (anger building – he carries on as if nothing is wrong), I put my food back into the microwave (anger building – he is talking about what he really wanted to eat), the timer goes off and I take my food out, now the food looks fine (anger building – he is still talking about how he didn’t want to eat what he just dished up), walked back to where he was sitting and when I took the first bite the food was still cold (anger building – he is still talking), walk back to the microwave open the door, put my food in, switch it on (losing my patience and knowing I should calm down) timer goes off  – he is still going on – open the microwave door, bang it close, hit the microwave, shake the microwave, microwave switch off automatically and the plugs switch trip (I think I just broke the microwave) take-out food, walk back to eat, food now overheated, I started Looked at him while he is going on about the fact that he asked me to make him something different to eat, but now he just had to eat that food because I didn’t listen… I lost it, I yelling and screaming answers at him and chucked the kitchen chair, the more I did this the more he aggravated me, I went to sit down to eat and he responded with such a snarky comment that I got so upset I threw my plate in the air and it dropped on the floor, walked to the bedroom, opened the door, slammed the door, opened the door, slammed the door, opened it again and I broke down crying (at his point I know already that my reaction is so wrong and I already felt so stupid for this, but how am I supposed to cope with everything. If he runs into trouble he runs to Lady 1 and Lady 2, I have no one… NO ONE! He walked in shortly after and told me that he is leaving; I told him that that would be in order, and that he needs to take his keys with, because I will be packing my things and will be leaving

But he stayed (why he stayed I don’t really know…

 

I cried – and he just stood there

I cried – and he never once tried to comfort me

 

Why did this have to happen to me, I have given this man everything I had and he truly hurt me so deeply? I don’t understand why he could have done this. Why were others so much more important to him than me, why was I who gave him all of my life worth nothing in his eyes? Why does he never comfort me, why could he never be truthful to me, why did he not just divorce me to sleep around? Why, why, why?

 

I went to bed – knowing that this outburst was one of the worst days ever, the worst experience and that it wasn’t healthy for me at all. I felt ashamed that I have screamed, yelled and shouted that I broke the microwave and that I messed food. I just had to close my eyes and forget. Even if it will only be for a short time period

 

He told me that he knows we can work things through; we will be able to work on us and get it sorted out. I just laid there crying silently till I fell asleep

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13 thoughts on “27 September what a Nightmare

  1. It doesn’t sound like he’s in counseling? If he’s not he really needs to find a good counselor that can help guide him in what he needs to do to help you heal. Although I may still be in bad shape if mine had not started counseling and done the work he has we wouldn’t have made it this far.

    Have you set boundaries for him?

    There is nothing wrong with the way you behaved, in the beginning I said and done much much worse! ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This is pretty normal, your angry and it has to go somewhere. As well as your husband have you seen a counselor? It sounds as if you need to go together. It us really early days, and I would suggest you give yourself some space and find yourself. Let him maake is own dinner!
    Moisy xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi there,
      He doesn’t, we have tried counseling before and both of us had a really bad experience with the then counselor, since then he refuse to go, even if I ask. He says he would rather us sort it out, but as you might know from previous posts I don’t think we can, because he is not really willing to talk. I have to say, it is getting a little better and he is opening up a bit, but I find it difficult to process these things, I’m not sure how to work through the answers I get and put them behind me without mention again… I suppose time will teach or tell right

      Liked by 1 person

      • Hi, have you tried keeping a journal, somewhere to write the insanity down, it’s scary but, as you know, kept me sane. Also you can go to counselling on your own, again scary because all of these things may mean that you will walk away. But it is part of the process and to help you I would urge you to consider it. Keep going forward, there’s nowhere else to go
        Moisy x

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I was very angry in the beginning and had many similar outbursts on and off for about a year. Don’t be so hard on yourself. I do agree with the other comments that perhaps counseling may help. While my husband and I didn’t do formal ‘counseling’, we were in family counseling with my son and I do feel like it helped. My husband was also willing to discuss things with me one on one and while once in a while would get frustrated with me asking the same things, for the most part he would answer and talk things out – xoxo Dolly

    Liked by 2 people

    • Hey there, yeah a lot of people say you shouldn’t be hard on myself, it’s just that my behavior is not who I truly am, and I know that it is coming through because of emotions and feelings and all those kinds of things, but I feel so ashamed. I don’t really know what I need and want to talk about anymore, I think that no matter what these things don’t go away. How does he settle your mind

      Like

      • you shouldn’t feel ashamed. Infidelity brings out very powerful (and not so nice) emotions. My husband and I were really going through a tough time. We were both feeling unloved, unappreciated and lonely. We both had checked out of the marriage before the affair. He knows he shouldn’t have done it and I think was unprepared for the amount of hurt he caused me.

        When triggered, he would talk to me about about. He agreed to cut all contact (even though she still occasionally reaches out). He does not respond. He is open when I ask questions and continues even now to talk when I am triggered.

        Our communication is night and day from where it was before… xo Dolly

        Liked by 1 person

  4. He just seems to dismiss you and can’t even provide you with a definitive answer or assurance that he won’t cheat again, so I wonder why you are staying in the marriage? What are you getting out of the relationship?

    If you’re going to stay, he needs to answer you with words other than “I don’t know” because that is what you need. I know you said in a previous post that you and he are not in counselling, but if you can get him there these questions can be explored in an emotionally safe environment for you both.

    I don’t let Mr. P get away with the “I don’t know” answers, but he also gets VERY angry when I ask and ask and don’t accept that answer (holes in walls, closets and doors ripped out of the frame, table thrown against our fireplace etc.). He feels cornered like a wounded animal and loses it and goes into fight or flight mode, so we only address questions with our counsellor.

    Good luck, and stay safe xo

    Liked by 2 people

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