Cry and cry some more

Time never stand still, Life Continues…

 

So calling him during the day – VERY BAD IDEA – Result – SCREAMING AND SHOUTING

I can’t call him for anything during the day, whenever I do, even if I need help, he picks up and then start shouting that he is busy… what do I want? And that, well that just shuts me up! He told me he is not getting to everything, he is busy, he needs to do a lot of stuff before he can go home and before he can leave on his trip. He kept on telling me that he can’t pick up the call he saw me calling but he is busy and so it just continues… (but now the question remains, you’re busy and I had to get some info, so no problem, but when I do ask you to call back you never do, so where is the problem?) and you’re so busy but you can run around and order and pay for food for people… oh come on, and you’re so busy that you can’t just listen for 5 seconds byt you can go sit in a salon for a shave… (am I expecting to much here?)

 

I’m pissed at this point, because no matter what I do or say, it always just ends up in a fight, and here we were at another crossing, he was on his way out of town and again he choice his hobby above his marriage (something he said he wanted to work on), but I guess my view on working on a marriage and his are totally different (just saying)

 

So from work I rushed home to make sure that he has everything he needs for his trip. I made sure the clothing is washed and ironed, that he has toiletries and all those kind of things. I even rushed to the shops to buy some meat and prepare something to eat before he arrived so he can focus on packing. (Why did I do this, Oh I actually regret every moment, as you’ll just see what a night it became?)

 

…Then he arrived…

 

While talking to one of the guys who will be going with on this trip, he stood looking over me while I finished up the last bit of things before we were ready to eat. After his call, I told him that we were ready to dish up food and eat, which will leave him with lots of time to pack. So both of us dished and sat at the table ready to eat. While sitting here I just could stop my mind from running over and over everything that happened and that have been said over the last couple of weeks / months. (How do you just switch everything off, how are you supposed to just forget anything ever happened, how are you supposed to just go back to normal. Nothing is Normal anymore; we will never be able to go back to how things were?). I think both of us felt a bit edgy, both of us didn’t really know how to deal with everything, and at times talking about things made the whole situation worse. So he mentioned that he spoke to Lady 1 today, they spoke about the wedding of a colleague which we are all invited too. He said that lady 1 told him that the wedding will be really weird and awkward now that I know of him and her, and apparently he said to her that it wouldn’t be weird, because he even told me that if he wants to dance with her he will. Yeah you read it, he didn’t ask me, he didn’t check if it would be okay, but he TOLD ME, and I suppose you guessed it already…

 

*I SNAPPED*

 

Why on this earth do you want to work on your marriage but still cling to someone your screwed, why would you want to hold her and dance with her while I sit there with her husband (who doesn’t know). Why could you not even respect me on a day like that after you f-up the memory I had of ours, and obviously he doesn’t see anything wrong with that scenario!!! So yet another massive argument about the fact that he will do whatever he wants to that day even if it involves her, and I just need to deal with it. (Is it just me or does he really not care at all, why does he even want to work on a marriage then, I will never be good enough, I will never mean anything to him, he will never respect me, he will never care for me, he will never care about how I feel)…

 

And that resulted in both of us just getting up from the table – leaving our food

 

At this stage he went to pack, but I still had so much on my mind, so I walked to where he was busy in the room, I walked in and kept talking but he became so angry it literally looked like he was about to hit me. So he turned around and told me to F-off.

 

Me:        do you know that even after all the hurt I love you and just wanted to talk

Him:       F-off

Him:       Stop threatening me, stop asking shit, I am tired of this shit, just F-off

Me:        I also had enough, enough of being played, enough of meaning nothing to you. I will leave, Me:               Right, I will f-off (I turned and walked away)

 

As I was walking away, I knew that I couldn’t take the car and go somewhere because I had something to drink and that he will be leaving in a couple of hours anyway, so I went outside. I went to the back of our property and I sat at the pool (I just had to get away, I just had to refocus, I just couldn’t hurt like this anymore, I just couldn’t take it anymore), but as I was walking out he was still calling and shouting. I just stayed outside, in the dark, listening to the fountain, and I started to cry. I cried for a long time, I cried for each missed opportunity, I cried because I didn’t know and I didn’t realize that he was doing this to me, I cried because I offered him everything and this was what I was getting, I cried because I knew again he picked her instead of caring about my feelings, I cried because I spent 24 years of my life dedicated to this person who was spending the last 8 years of his life dedicating it to others, I cried because I just felt so empty and alone inside and I am so confused, I cried and cried and cried.

 

He kept calling me from the inside to come inside (he never once took his own keys to come look for me) he just kept calling and screaming and going on.

Him:       You will just get sick

Me:        I don’t care and nor should you

I don’t know how long I spent outside, but the time came to go back in

Him:       Help me look for rope to tie up my bag to the bike

Me:        I don’t know where the rope is

Him:       I used it the last time

Me:        Why did you not put it back where it is supposed to be?

Him:       I am taking your car; I am going to the garage to buy

 

So again – things just continued as if nothing just happened. Just forget right, just forget!!!

And within ours he left on his trip… now in hindsight – last year this time I did find evidence of his Hotel bookings, but I was never able to piece the puzzle together, I was so trusting and naïve. I found a photo on his phone, where he took the photo of the room, he obviously must have sent it to someone, and when I questioned him he said that he doesn’t know what that was for, he never saw it and it must have been sent to him. Even though I knew it were his fingers gripping the picture before he took the photo I just left it…? Boy oh Boy if only…

 

And basically I got ignored while he was out and about with the boys… Just a few messages here and there, and one quick call so he can rant about stuff, and then dead silence… until his return…

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