Okay so still stuck in the month of September – basically 19 September
So things are still so weird, yes he said he doesn’t want the divorce and yes he get home earlier than before and yes he now travels with me once a week so we can talk a bit, but it is still not all good.
So the morning of the 19th he drove with me to work and the drive was not fun at all as we overslept a bit and had to rush to get to work, but when we eventually got there it turned out weird as he jumped out the car told me to take the wheel and go, so when I mentioned that hey this is weird he just turned around saying I am late, but then turned to the people waiting at the gate and could greet them and smile politely. Some days I just don’t know whether he thinks that is the norm in terms of treating me. For the rest of the day I didn’t hear a squeak from him. I sent messages to ask what time we will be travelling, but never even got any responses on that. So off I went to his office for us to travel out of town and arrived there at around 4:30………..
He was still sitting in his office busy, so I went and spoke to the ladies in the front (which you should know by now include lady 1) I spoke polity and talked to each of them in turn, never even missing a beat with her. I could see that she was uncomfortable but I just looked at her, asked how the kids and husband were and then carried on as I would normally even though inside of me a had a huge storm of emotions going, a whole lot of thoughts wanting to come out, and a whole lot of words ready on the tip of my tongue which I just to keep in.
After a while I realized that he was already getting ready to leave, and I rushed outside to get my stuff out my car which I wanted to take with on the ride, so on my way out, Lady 1 was busy with a customer on a portable phone and she walked behind me. I didn’t pay her any attention, as I figured that she was on a call with a customer that she might be on her way out somewhere, so I just kept walking. I retrieved my stuff out my car and as I was making my way back in, she was standing close by.
Lady 1: So, you said you wanted to talk before, When are we going to talk then
Me: It doesn’t matter anymore; we don’t have to talk about anything
Lady 1: We should talk
Me: Like I said it doesn’t matter, we are getting a divorce, do you know that
Lady 1: Yes, I never planned for that to happen; I didn’t want you two to divorce
Me: Oh come on, what did you and Lady 2 expect would happen?
Lady 1: (just stare at me)
Me: Once the divorce is final, I’ll tell your husband and the husband for Lady 2 everything, so I hope you have told them. Do you even realize that all the money spent on jewellery, spend on perfumes, spent on flowers, spent on your hotel sessions and everything else, do you realise that the money also came from my accounts. Do you realize I paid as much for your hotel sessions as him…
…I turned and walked off… leaving her staring at my back
But when I got to his office, he obviously saw this (and believe me when I tell you, I was talking politely, not screaming not shouting at her, just talking), but he was fuming and like always I got the scream… Fuck I am so tired of this already, they run to him, I crap, they don’t like something, he calls me and I crap, they confront me and when I talk back, I crap… what more am I supposed to do, how much more am I supposed to take without losing my shit. So I closed the door behind me (even though it has glass panels so everyone can still see us) he let rip.
Him: Not at my work, I told you not to do this at my work
Me: I didn’t, she confronted me at the car
Him: Bullshit, I saw your hands going as you were fighting with her
Me: No, You don’t know me at all, I was merely talking to her (told him what I said)
Him: That is why you aren’t welcome here anymore; I don’t want you here anymore
Me: Fine, I will take it offsite with her and Lady 2 at some point
Him: Just not at my work
Him: I trusted you to come to my work and now this
So that is where it ended, we then went outside, got into his bakkie and drove off. The start of our approximate 6 hour round trip journey
And the screaming continues…
Him: I trusted you, I trusted you to come to my work
Me: It wasn’t me; I didn’t do anything I just wanted to get my stuff from the car
Him: I trusted you!!!!
Me: So blame me then, blame me for everything, blame me for everything you and them have done, everyone knows that you will always take their side, and that is why they will confront me while you aren’t watching and then be all smug because you will take it out on me.
Him: You came to my work, you looked for this, why did you go outside (Screaming and shouting)
Me: You know, if we don’t talk about these things it will never be resolved, you know, I don’t even know if I can trust you or anything you say at all
Me: What you have just done to me, the screaming, the name calling, the shouting, do you know how that makes me feel. It is wrong on all levels, and they know you will come up for them and that I will bear the brunt. Why do you always come up for them? You never come up for me, you never support me, you always yell at me, and you know what, they know you will do that to me.
Me: You bought them all these things, you know, being married to you for almost 20 years I never got anything like it, even though I was the one who supported you when you. I was the one who was there long late hours of the night, when we both had nothing, I was the one who worked hard and supported us when you weren’t earning much, then when you made the career change, I was the one supporting you, cheering you on, even driving you to the interview. I was the one who slept on the cold floors waiting for you to finish up, I always did everything for you, and you know what, I regret it all today… because it was so fucking easy for you to just cheat
Me: Why did you have to go out and touch these woman and kiss, why did you start and affair in the first place, why couldn’t you have been committed
Him: We were not happy (this is still something I need to figure out, because in my mind things were not bad in the marriage, but my version of happy and his is definitely different)
Him: Look kissing the others, I was drunk
With the other 2 ladies, we were not happy, I was stupid, I never should have, and I fucked up
Me: Why did you not stop the affairs?
Him: I don’t know
Me: Why don’t you just let the divorce go through, if we are unhappy, and you are so unhappy with me for so long that you have been in a relationship with others for 3 years, just go through with the divorce so we both can live our life.
Him: I don’t feel ready for a divorce, I still love you
Me: Are you just saying this, because I threatened to tell their husbands
Him: No, we are all adults, all of us knew what we were getting into, and all of us will get our own karma, even for them. They knew the consequences of this
Me: Did you ever feel guilty of doing this
Him: In the beginning of the affair I did, after a while I didn’t anymore, it became the norm. When we worked together the day, we would go off together, and then go to our spouses
Him: I am done talking about it, can we just travel and not talk about them please
And there I sat… knowing
I asked for a very cheap silver pendant one year (during his affair time which is much less than the flowers he bought) and I never got anything, he spent our communal money on them, but when I needed something there was never money for me, knowing that he just didn’t want to spent anything on me hurt… Knowing that he blamed me because he asked me to stop smoking and I said that I will do it on my own time (which I have done now), blaming me because when he arrived home at night I was listening to online audible books (but he sat at the television not wanting to talk to anyone), blaming me for not physically being there, and not being able to talk to me… (And this I still need to all work through for myself)
Look I know that he said that Lady 1 broke it of this year (in the beginning sometime) because she wants to focus on her family life and her husband, I now worked it out that the affair with lady 2 started almost 2 months after Lady 1 called it off (yes so quick) and in less than the 2 month talking they were both in the hotel… I can’t seem to think through how quickly things escalated from just talking to sleeping together, and when I have asked these questions he just says that it just happened, and that by itself just makes it all seem like the talked the 1st day and started sleeping together on the 2nd. Anyway… I just can’t think this whole scenario through, but I also know that I will never get the answers from him… I never wanted exact details, but I needed to understand how they both allowed themselves to grow so close and so quickly to end up sleeping together… but maybe this is something I will never understand, or maybe this could be something that I will unpack at a later stage of my life… Who knows?
I sit here and think of all the things he has said:
The fact that he just agreed to let Lady 1 go on with her life and that they could just be friends, the fact that he is disappointed in lady 2, because he thought she will have some backbone, the fact that he had all the time to run off to hotels and talk to them on which ever platform but can never do this for me, the fact that I will most probably feel unwanted and uncared for always and that he will never stand up for me, the fact that he told me to my face that Lady 1 have beautiful eyes but that she is not beautiful and lady 2 is a very beautiful lady…and all these thoughts just came and went and came and went, like waves in an ocean, and each though brought its own emotions and feelings
- How much screaming can I take?
- How much more can I take before I break?
- Will it ever get better?
- Will I ever feel better?
- Will I ever be able to function the same again?
- How do one more on from all this?
- Is there more I just don’t know about yet?