And then it was…

Yeah and then it was September…

So as you would know, from my last blog post, I was officially blocked so I weren’t able to talk to him nor was I able to even see whether he was online to validate that he was still alive and kicking nor was I able to even communicate with him in the event where I had an emergency, and it felt like I have screwed this up, because if I didn’t become this online status stalker I wouldn’t have been blocked, if I didn’t become obsessed with wanting to know when he is online and offline then it all would have been fine, right?… Yeah right – that is what I told myself to rationalize everything and to let myself believe I was at fault here, that is what I was made to believe, it was sad but it was true… I have no idea why I even cared about his well-being at this stage why would I even care what happens, I was hurt, but I still cared, but I suppose that is just who I am, I will always care for others no matter how much they have hurt me in life. I will always try and be understanding even-though I am going through my own emotional turmoil… So yes I became an online stalker to see whether or not he was online as that was the only way to know if he was fine as he never talked to me, and that got me blocked, and then I told him in a fit of anger that I know he is online most of the day with her, and that got me blocked, so again, my own fault right?

So September didn’t really arrive with a big bang, and with September it is Spring in our country which means the temperatures are a little more warmer, we get some rainy days,  the trees blossom and everything just feels different and alive… But for me… Well it felt much more different, or is it just me (the person) who is different now? Did everything just change?

So how do I feel: At this stage I felt like some of the raging flames inside me has been put out to a low simmer – and I just couldn’t explain the feeling to anyone

I FELT LIKE:

  • A total zombie, with no emotions and no real validated feelings
  • I have lost total control of who I am and what is to become of me,
  • I had nothing left to give and what I have given before was never good enough
  • Everything I have believed a marriage should be has been a lie
  • Everything that was said to me over the years was lies
  • I had no more love and never received any love
  • I have offered a lifetime and all I got was a moment
  • I had a mind full of thoughts but I was unable to grab onto anything to think
  • I couldn’t focus or think of anything positive
  • I couldn’t move forward without any answers, answers which I knew it would be a struggle to get
  • I never understood what love was all about, how someone is suppose to love and what love really is
  • I wasted so many years of my life for someone who found it more interesting to sleep with others, then lies and deceive and betray and do what ever
  • I didn’t want to go on!
  • I felt like just giving up and die
  • All my feelings were gone!!! Was it gone? How can they just be gone, or was it just the silence before the storm

 

Can you relate to these feelings and emotions? What did you experience? How did you deal with the emotional and feelings during your healing stages after your discovery…

I have read so many articles and It is believed that we as a betrayed spouse go though mostly 4 stages to heal in this process, but I think we all go through these stages and we may go from one to the other or even go back a stage because of additional discovery of grief and so we move back and forth. Life is unfortunately not that clean cut that we go from 1-4 and never relapse.. Anyway, I will list the stages here in this post, because You will see my journey going forward and how it relates, but mostly I post it so I can also come back to this one day and see how life progressed.

  1. Discovery – or the Trauma stage
    • So it is believed that we as the Betrayed go through the feelings of shock and betrayal and we make a quick decision here to either fight or run for the hills, I suppose it is the whole fight or flight scenario
    • At least I know that this was the stage I was in right here in the beginning of September, and yes it makes sense because I just found out and had everything confirmed, but during this month you will also see the grief and anger stage come out and then because of more lies I find myself back in more discovery and trauma. It was such a mess and still is
    • After reading so much about the process of healing and what we endure during the process it makes more sense and I no longer feel abnormal – as they say that during this time because of the discovery we feel numb and that’s because of the shock of our discovery and then the sense of loss.
    • During this time I wanted to start and understand the underlying cause for the affairs, I wanted to know why he has done it to me, I wanted to know who he has done it with, I wanted to understand the time frames, I just wanted to know all the details, but let me tell you that it is really difficult to do, especially if you have a partner like mine. Even-though I knew that it would be hard to hear all the details and that it will expose so many flaws in our relationship and life that I might never have wanted to see, I knew that I needed to understand where and why it all started and ended, but unfortunately for me he was not that open to share information and kicked up a huge fight every-time I wanted to discuss anything relating to his affairs. (He did eventually share more, after the initial fights about the details, and it does look like it is becoming better but at this stage he wasn’t sharing as much)
    •  I have read that normally we (as betrayed) go through the feelings of shock and betrayal, and for them it is more feelings of guilt and remorse, but I really didn’t find that he showed any guilt or any remorse (and you will still see why). I just felt like he just wanted life to go on, he just wanted to live as if nothing changed as if nothing happened, but that is something I can’t do.
  2. Grief and Anger Stage- (So in the beginning of September I found that I was stuck in discovery and felt very sorry for myself because every time I managed to process the information for me to work through it, something else came out, or I discovered more and I am sure that now even while in October I will discover more. I felt like while I was still discovering more daily he he skipped everything that was suppose to go with his emotions as part of discovery and immediately went onto this stage where he become impatient, defensive and he was rationalizing everything, and kept on telling me to just get over myself. It was as if he just didn’t feel any remorse, that he doesn’t feel that anything is wrong, that he wasn’t in the wrong, and maybe that is true in his eyes, I didn’t see it the same
    • During this time we are suppose to work through our anger, the hurt of the betrayal, and we will then realize that the trust have been broken and we question whether the affairs are done or whether it will just start up again. We also tend to want to fix everything, control everything and then understand everything and sometimes our own pace and the pace of the next are different, which leaves us in a state or turmoil, and obviously I will still get to these stages in my journey and I think right now towards the end of September and now October I am here… Quick, yes I think so, but the anger is flaming, and the numbness is fading because I have come to realize that it happened and no matter what I do it can not change the past, that what happened is something that I am not able to change, that I need to
  3. Acceptance or Never Ending – So here you literally stand at a crossroad,
    • We all need to make the decision, will we accept that it happened in our life, and are we able to move forward from this, or will we be in limbo for the rest of our life
    • Will we turn toward accepting and forgiving our partner and be able to move forward with them,
    • Will we turn toward accepting and forgiving our partner and be able to move forward without them (Divorce) or
    • Will we turn towards the It will never end where we find ourselves in so much hurt / pain because we are unable to move forward, nor are we able to let go and we blame and shame and never be able to move past the affair.
      • So my understanding is that during this time we find it in ourselves to forgive, that some of us will also be willing to honor our commitments, and that like I said above, here we will be able to turn towards the road we wish to embark on
  4. Re-connection – Facing the issues and seek understanding and support
    • Now honestly, I can’t see myself in this stage, and I think it is all just to new, according so many articles and books it is believed that it takes approximately 2 / 3 years to reach this final stage, so maybe in 3 years time I will be able to give more feedback on this stage
      • They say that when we are able to reach this final stage and we have decided to take the accept and forgive road and we are able to more forward with our partner – that we will feel strength again, confidence in our relationship, we will feel loved again and we will feel like we will be able to do things together again (if any of you have reached this stage already – please leave a comment, tell me what your decision has been and how your life progressed)

I think I am going to publish this post as it is for now. I will rather post another with the run down of September because it was a very long emotional month for me, for some of the post I will be able to give a run down on some boring days and then there will even be a couple of days that I will have to publish on its own as I think that some of these days have more significance that others and those days I would like to keep separate, that will also allow for some feedback on them… so for now this is it

Over and out on this post!

Keep the likes coming – but I will also like some comments / feedback / sharing

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